Exactly what is it that I feel?
I'm trying to figure out what it is exactly that I'm feeling. Even trying to select a "theme" for this journal I couldn't decide if it was frustrated, sad, venting, so I just picked general update. I feel a sort of meloncholly. Don't know exactly how to describe it any other way. I don't feel depressed or sad, I don't feel happy or excited, I just feel blah. Ever since my court date on March 11 I've been feeling this way. Kind of disconnected from everything. And with the signing of the final papers and the argument with the X it took to get them signed, it left me feeling out of sorts even more. I know I've felt stronger in the past few months than what I feel today. I feel almost like I'm still in a state of shock and it's been way too long to feel that again. I think it's the finality of it all that is making me hash it over in my mind again. I still can't believe he did this to me, to our kids, to our marriage and to our family. I still can't believe it. I've accepted it, I know it's done and I don't ask why anymore, but I feel as if this whole past year has been surreal. Like it's happening to someone else and not me. What doesn't make sense to me is that I know I wouldn't take him back anyway and the love I had for him has been damaged beyond repair, so why can't I shake this meloncholly feeling. Why do I feel stuck in the same spot for the past month. I'm working, I'm going out with friends, I'm moving on and making decisions for me and my kids. I'm laughing and having fun at times. Doing all the right things but getting no where. He's out of our lives but he's still in it. One foot out and one foot in....that's how I feel I guess. And I know it will forever be this way because we have kids together and a past history that will never go away. That bothers me. I just want him gone as if he never existed to me. Some people say that death is easier on the one left behind because that person is no longer around and I have to say I agree. Divorce leaves behind such a deep scar that continues to come to the surface everytime you have contact with your X. One thing that happened just this week was he and his family leaving our kids out of their family Easter dinner. That kills me. I know they wouldn't have gone anyway, but the fact that they weren't invited, not even by their own dad, just twists the knife in my heart even more. And one of my (his) nieces got engaged at Easter dinner. It makes me angry that he's robbing me of these happy moments with his family. The only family that I've had for 23 years. And I ask myself....for what.....really, for what? I know I will be happier in the end without him. I believe with all my heart that I will find love again, but until then I feel as if I'm just in survival mode. Getting through each day doing what needs to be done and not getting anything out of life right now. Like I said.....meloncholly, disconnected, out of sorts. Not sad, not happy, not anything.
Replies
I\'m sorry you are feeling this way. I\'m pretty sure its normal. You are doing all the right things but (perhaps) your heart isn\'t in it just quite yet. I think that\'s okay too. But keep listening to yourself, your feelings. Keep journaling. Keep dreaming. Keep living. It truly has been a whirlwind for you. Let the dust settle. Hugs!
Chrissy: I know what you\'re talking about. I think it\'s just part of the process. I hope for the day that it doesn\'t bother me to see or talk to him. It\'s much easier now than it was in the beginning so I want to keep moving in that direction. Baby steps. Think about how much better you are doing from where you started. Many hugs to you.
Chrissy - I feel as you, also. I thought these feelings would end with finality - but they don\'t. Everything is different now - SO different. Yes, I wanted to leave my marriage. I had to leave my relationship. He\'s gone, it\'s over, yet I carry so much despair with me still. Did this really happen? How could this man I loved hurt me so greatly? Is this a dream?
I\'m beginning to believe that it\'s pretty normal to have these feelings of sadness continue, even after the \"finality\" of it all. We tell each other that there is an end to all of this, but it just doesn\'t come at the \"end\". There is so much more to go through for us. Maybe it\'s the years, family, friends and committment that we no longer have. Maybe it\'s just the fact that life as we knew it, doesn\'t exist anymore. One thing is clear - no one really knows how we\'re feeling, but us. People just seem to expect us to be \"normal\" again, without the feelings we carry. How can that be?
I\'m sure it will be \"time\" again that gets us through this. It just seems sometimes endless and forever consuming. It\'s been such a long road to travel to not yet have reached our destination.
Sorry for the blah response. I too, am just lost at times. Today is one of those days. We just have to keep pushing forward in this strange new world of ours. Maybe that\'s the reason for these feelings we carry - it\'s a \"strange new world\" we\'re in. Change - life altering change has occurred. And, loss - much loss. Not just them, everyone and everything around us. We\'ll have to find a new \"normal\" again. Beginnings are scary - endings are sad, that\'s life. Unfortunately, we have them both at one time in so many ways.
As for yourself and your children.....what\'s wrong with these people (family and friends) that leave you standing alone as though you never existed. How can that be? What have your children done or you, to warrant such behavior? I understand \"uncomfortable\" when something like this happens, but there are ways to make it less uncomfortable and still keep these people in your lives. What is it that family and so called friends don\'t see about this? Do they realize how wrong they are? How much hurt they cause by staying away - and for what? An easy fix? It\'s very sad to have this happen. Here too, I know how you feel - it hurts badly - sadly. Shame on them. These are things that make this journey seem endless and so unfair.
I pray for you, your children and everyone here to endure and move on with grace and dignity amongst all the ugly we have had thrown at us. We\'re in this together. That alone widens the bridge we are crossing. Lots of love, friend. I so hope for better days to come.
Chrissy,
I will try to send you a message later but I just wanted to comment quickly on this. I read all the comments you received and I guess what you are going through is what most everyone experiences. Maybe we would not have known that if we did not have this wonderful place to go.
You see my entries when I feel I can muster up the courage to write something. My feelings are so similar to yours but I weaken and let this monster back in my life just to get hurt again. You are doing such a great job and getting out and doing things. I hope that you will continue doing so and one day these feelings will subside.
Spending most of your adult life with someone and then having such a drastic change leaves huge emotional baggage and lots of questions.
I just pray that you know you are not alone. I wish I could take any hurt away as I would not wish hurt on you or anyone else here. It is the worst!
Trip to Florida? The door that is very small these days will always be open, my friend, always.
Love, Meg
Chrissy, I guess it is part of this process! I had a horrible Easter! I was depressed that Tom was gone the entire time. This was the first Easter since he was born that we were not together and he was with his dad\'s family and our friends! Robbed is the perfect way of feeling! It just isn\'t fair!
I, too, am over him and would not take him back, but there are so many more losses that we face with their decisions to betray! I find the loss of the family and the changes in friendships are so difficult!
I do believe the finality of it all hits and, like death, no matter how much you prepare for it...you are never really prepared for it! You are much better than you were in the beginning! You need to just keep taking those steps forward and doing the things you are \"suppose to do\" and I think things will just suddenly fall into place, just as they did when we were grieving the loss of love. I think they are all steps and not very easy ones, but necessary none the less! Know you have much support! You are a wonderful and strong woman! Stay focused on the positives in your life and know you are loved!
Love and hugs to you, my friend!
Hi Sweetie, I certainly understand this melancholy stage. It is a strange place as we feel it is not moving on. I feel it is exactly where you should be. You are still grieving and should be. Maybe not about him as much as what has happened to you. You have to learn about being on your own and find happiness for yourself. There is no set time and you do not need to go from married to divorced and then on to a new relationship. So don\'t push it. That is not healthy but is is hard to not be in that storybook or MOM mode to fix things. You are in a place you need to be and find your new Normal.
It is awful that his family didn\'t include your children. Were they upset or is it you were upset for them? I say this out of love because I have been there. I use to have to share holidays with the boys dad. They were little and then I also didn\'t have family so I would let them go even on my holiday and then spent it alone and bitch about it. Well my EX really couldn\'t win as I was hurt if he took them or when he didn\'t. That really was my issue not theirs. Your kids are young adults and they are able to say where they want to be. That was so great you got to have that wonderful trip. Enjoy and create and remember the holiday as a positive not the negativity from his side. I would stress to your kids and him and his family to keep a relationship and not make it to pick between sides but it is their decision. They can\'t be at both places so you will have to make up a new Normal again. I never had Christmas with my brothers as they Always had to go to SIL\'s family. It hurt and then I told my brother we have Christmas whenever we were together no matter the date. This will come up as your kids grow marry and have in law\'s to have to pick between. Life is compromises not just marriages.
You may be at events with him in the future but dear this is your life and your decisions how to act and not to react to him any longer. I seen a lady on tv the other day that has a book on life decisions we make that is 10-10-10. If it is just to decide what to eat or wear will it effect my life in 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years? Just that short excerpt I thought it is really that simple. The key is really priorities and moving on with those set.
You are such a sweet, caring yet strong woman. I am so glad to have met you on this site. Privilege to have met you and hope we both will remain friends the rest of my life. Hope we have the advantage to get together again. I wish you nothing but happiness. Hugs!!!
Hi sisterfriend! When I went through what you\'re talking about I didn\'t totally understand it. Why was I feeling blah and weightless at times. And sometimes it lasted a long time and I couldn\'t figure it out because like you, it wasn\'t that you wanted him back, etc.
But today at counseling, I had the \"aha\" moment. I realized that to us, the responsible ones, we can\'t imagine how they can\'t be responsible and SEE what they are doing. But they live in unreality! They live in illusion. And believe it or not, the LOVE illusion. They can live there just fine and be happy. And my counselor said that we view them from our outlook on life and we can\'t. They are totally different people than us. And we get angry at them for not feeling and seeing and getting what they\'ve done to their family. But they just don\'t see it. So, like Nan said, time works us through this. We are trying to heal and move on and so we are DEALING with the issues. They have swept them under the rug, their world is non-intense and they can do whatever they feel like doing and they don\'t even see what they\'ve done. Will they get the picture down the road? Maybe to some extent. I believev my X is truly sorry, but not sorry enough to change and have different expectations on himself. So, after counseling this morning I\'m no longer going to \"worry\" about my X and his lack of money, his inability to see what he\'s done to the kids, etc. He is happy in his dillusional world and I am hoping to FINALLY let go! We\'ll see. Big hugs my friend. Great journal post. Love ya and let\'s talk soon.
Chrissy,
I am not sure what is normal anymore but i would like to see normal again one day soon. I too thought death would have been easier to take than my ex cheating on me. But thats not what I want after all we have two kids together and that will never change. I have to come to terms with what he did and move on. I don\'t get how are ex\'s can just walk away from their familys and not give it a second thought? I think you are doing a good job as far a healing goes. Someone one once told me that the heart takes the longest of anything to heal and i believe it. Dont let what your ex and his family do hurt you so much, I know easier said than done. But at least try and the kids will always know who they can turn to .
I have learned that I care to a fault. I put aside my own life and happiness to try and do everything I could to help her. I neglected me. I will pay for this for the rest of my life.
Now, I am happier. I see things that I want to do and am slowly getting rid of the guilt for doing such things that make me happy. I have learned that I am just as important as other people, yet I am the only one that will take care of me.
Sounds a bit selfish, but that\'s okay.