Exactly what is it that I feel?

I'm trying to figure out what it is exactly that I'm feeling.  Even trying to select a "theme" for this journal I couldn't decide if it was frustrated, sad, venting, so I just picked general update. I feel a sort of meloncholly.  Don't know exactly how to describe it any other way.  I don't feel depressed or sad, I don't feel happy or excited, I just feel blah.  Ever since my court date on March 11 I've been feeling this way.  Kind of disconnected from everything.  And with the signing of the final papers and the argument with the X it took to get them signed, it left me feeling out of sorts even more. I know I've felt stronger in the past few months than what I feel today.  I feel almost like I'm still in a state of shock and it's been way too long to feel that again.  I think it's the finality of it all that is making me hash it over in my mind again.  I still can't believe he did this to me, to our kids, to our marriage and to our family.  I still can't believe it.   I've accepted it, I know it's done and I don't ask why anymore, but I feel as if this whole past year has been surreal.  Like it's happening to someone else and not me.    What doesn't make sense to me is that I know I wouldn't take him back anyway and the love I had for him has been damaged beyond repair, so why can't I shake this meloncholly feeling.  Why do I feel stuck in the same spot for the past month.   I'm working, I'm going out with friends, I'm moving on and making decisions for me and my kids.  I'm laughing and having fun at times.  Doing all the right things but getting no where.   He's out of our lives but he's still in it.  One foot out and one foot in....that's how I feel I guess.  And I know it will forever be this way because we have kids together and a past history that will never go away.  That bothers me.  I just want him gone as if he never existed to me.  Some people say that death is easier on the one left behind because that person is no longer around and I have to say I agree.  Divorce leaves behind such a deep scar that continues to come to the surface everytime you have contact with your X.   One thing that happened just this week was he and his family leaving our kids out of their family Easter dinner.  That kills me.  I know they wouldn't have gone anyway, but the fact that they weren't invited, not even by their own dad, just twists the knife in my heart even more.  And one of my (his) nieces got engaged at Easter dinner.  It makes me angry that he's robbing me of these happy moments with his family.  The only family that I've had for 23 years.  And I ask myself....for what.....really, for what?   I know I will be happier in the end without him.  I believe with all my heart that I will find love again, but until then I feel as if I'm just in survival mode.  Getting through each day doing what needs to be done and not getting anything out of life right now.  Like I said.....meloncholly, disconnected, out of sorts.  Not sad, not happy, not anything.