Evil twin...
I believe my mother gave birth to twins; one good, the other evil. The evil one has grown to be twice my size and beats on me regularly; he wants me to self destruct by isolating myself from others, treating them with indifference when I am around them, sabotaging all relationships (current & future), down-grading any achievements, my failures are reasurred not my accomplishments. He constantly tells me I've over-achieved; minor mistakes he punishes me & tells me how stupid I am, how ugly I am - he even tells others to also treat me as if I'm ugly & unattractive! I'm no good, incompetent and that I only deserve a life of punishment, lonliness, despair & constant disappointment. He tells me if there is a God, why hasn't he rescued me yet; that he must not love me or think I'm not worthy enough to be saved.
I have been busted up and bruised emotionally all my life; I've never learned to love myself or have any confidence that I can overcome my abuser. It's taken its toll on me and I've been a slave to his prophesies. When he tells me I can't, I won't; if I try and fail, he says I told you so and I won't try again.
He finally tells me the only way to get rid of him is too kill myself; and I believe him...
I have been busted up and bruised emotionally all my life; I've never learned to love myself or have any confidence that I can overcome my abuser. It's taken its toll on me and I've been a slave to his prophesies. When he tells me I can't, I won't; if I try and fail, he says I told you so and I won't try again.
He finally tells me the only way to get rid of him is too kill myself; and I believe him...
Replies
(((((Mal))))) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. It does seem at times that our mental illness is like an evil twin that is out to destroy us. Keep fighting it, Mal. You have to....hard as it is sometimes. Sending you good energy and strength to keep pushing forward. ((more hugs))
That \'evil twin\' is your \'other self\'. We become \'fragmented\' which severe trauma. It is a survival mechanism but when it is no longer needed for our survival it then becomes a multiple living in one body.
I have learned to have \'conversations\' with my \'others\' and we are learning to \'work together\' for the common good of all of us. We are integrating over time and becoming more \'one whole person\'.
You need to learn to work with your \'other/s\' for the common good of all of you.
We don\'t have to become multiples where the others don\'t know us or each other - as is the case with MPD but we can have multiples with very different personality traits dominating us from time to time. It is a coping mechanism that was created during periods of great trauma in our lives. I know all of my others, which are parts of my total self, and they know me - we are fully united in that sense but they have very \'strong wills\' and will attempt to destroy us as a living, breathing person to bring an end to the pain we are all in because of the crisis I am currently trying to survive since the death of my husband.
I am always working at reunification and bringing us together to achieve common goals. As an example I have to \'sell them\' that doing my daily PT is good for us all before I can really get into it and do it well. That is true for all parts of my life.
You don\'t have an \'evil twin\' but you have at least one \'other\' that is a part of you that \'fragmented\' during a traumatic event or time in your life. You have to begin to love this \'other\' as yourself and learn to work and negotiate with this other/s to achieve COMMON goals. If we can\'t get \'everyone\' on board we will find our efforts to do anything alone defeated.
the more I work with my others the more ONE we become.
Gentle ((hugs)) Patricia