Everything will be okay... But not for a LONGG time.
This has been THEE worst and LONGEST week of my life...
So, first I lost my best friend for always and forever and one of my really close friends is moving to Portland to be with her abusive mother. My mom tried to kill herself two days ago and yesterday I just could. not. focus on anything and all of my teachers were pissed. I spent the night at Jesa's last night because I couldn't go home. I couldn't face my mom. After she screamed in my face that she wanted to die I couldn't look at her. I will never forget that. It will torture me for the rest of my life. And that same day I found out that I'm not bipolar or have ADD, I have PTSD. I guess that I've never really talked about anything that happened when I was little because in my family we don't talk about anything, we can't talk about anything. When I try I'm just 'bitching' or asking for attention. I thought I got over it all but I haven't really. I burried it and stopped thinking about it. That's not getting over it, not even close. It's a cover up. It's something I do to survive. But I don't want to be sad anymore... And if I have to talk about it, I guess I will. Not soon, though. I'm taking baby steps.
Oh, and I didn't go to school today either. Jesa's boyfriend is here watching her little sister because she's sick and I was just going to stay in her room all day but I came out to get some coffee then I spilled it everywhere and my insides broke. I started crying. I thought he was upstairs, but of course he wasn't. He made me feel a little better I guess. We rented some movies and played Call of Duty. I think he was just trying to get my mind off things and it's working, but this is what I do. I distract myself. That's the first step to repression (is that even a word? haha.). But like I said, I'm not ready to open up and I'm not going to force all that shit on him. I know he wouldn't be a dick about it but I just don't want to talk about it now. I just want to forget.
(One good thing happened! I sorted out my future.(: I don't think I'm going to get accepted into the university I wanted because my grades are shit, but Jesa's boyfriend is going to the same community college I am which is 15 minutes away from where all my friends are going to school so we're getting an apartment together so that's fantastic! 2 bedrooms, 2 baths and a fuckin' padio!!! Is it weird that I'm more exited about a padio? Hahaha.)
So, first I lost my best friend for always and forever and one of my really close friends is moving to Portland to be with her abusive mother. My mom tried to kill herself two days ago and yesterday I just could. not. focus on anything and all of my teachers were pissed. I spent the night at Jesa's last night because I couldn't go home. I couldn't face my mom. After she screamed in my face that she wanted to die I couldn't look at her. I will never forget that. It will torture me for the rest of my life. And that same day I found out that I'm not bipolar or have ADD, I have PTSD. I guess that I've never really talked about anything that happened when I was little because in my family we don't talk about anything, we can't talk about anything. When I try I'm just 'bitching' or asking for attention. I thought I got over it all but I haven't really. I burried it and stopped thinking about it. That's not getting over it, not even close. It's a cover up. It's something I do to survive. But I don't want to be sad anymore... And if I have to talk about it, I guess I will. Not soon, though. I'm taking baby steps.
Oh, and I didn't go to school today either. Jesa's boyfriend is here watching her little sister because she's sick and I was just going to stay in her room all day but I came out to get some coffee then I spilled it everywhere and my insides broke. I started crying. I thought he was upstairs, but of course he wasn't. He made me feel a little better I guess. We rented some movies and played Call of Duty. I think he was just trying to get my mind off things and it's working, but this is what I do. I distract myself. That's the first step to repression (is that even a word? haha.). But like I said, I'm not ready to open up and I'm not going to force all that shit on him. I know he wouldn't be a dick about it but I just don't want to talk about it now. I just want to forget.
(One good thing happened! I sorted out my future.(: I don't think I'm going to get accepted into the university I wanted because my grades are shit, but Jesa's boyfriend is going to the same community college I am which is 15 minutes away from where all my friends are going to school so we're getting an apartment together so that's fantastic! 2 bedrooms, 2 baths and a fuckin' padio!!! Is it weird that I'm more exited about a padio? Hahaha.)
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