Everything Up In The Air

2009 has been a monumental year for me. In January 2009, as we approached the two year anniversary, my children and I agreed that it really was time to sell the house and move on. My daughter lived in the apartment my husband had renovated for her, in the loft above the stables in our back yard, and my son had been back at home to be a support as his father's health really declined. So, it was a big move. It was also a huge decision to go our own ways.  We had lived in the same house for twenty eight years. As I looked around it felt like I had spent twenty eight years bringing stuff in every day. When the agents came they made it clear that we would need to declutter before the sale process began. Looking back it was quite funny really. We kept generating piles of crap in the back yard and I had to have people keep taking stuff to the tip. I had some young English tourists staying with me and I introduced them to the game of 'hide the rubbish'. This game involved taking reasonable quality stuff over to the park, knowing that it would be quickly picked up and given a new home elsewhere. Frankly I did not care where it went as long as it was gone. It is very cathartic to have a good declutter and to give things away. I was careful not to be too ruthless and ended up moving stuff that, upon examination, would go later. The children were the same. Only the other day my son and I were unloading a trailer of things he had saved from the shed and he was able to let go and acknowledge that he did not need all these things, that an old object did not help him feel closer to his father. This shedding is a very important part of the process.  After living in my own home for all my married life I am now renting in the country. I rented the property quite early in the piece and it provided a base for me as we moved. When we were first decluttering I had stuff moved into this house and then, when the final move happened more things came. I also had a long settlement so that I could take my time and move a lot of things in my small Mazda 3.  Having moved so much stuff I now have this policy that if a tangible item comes in the house, two things have to go out of the house. There is no rule about the size of the things that have to go. The main thing is that I do not accumulate masses of 'things'. After having been as materialistic as most people I now get little pleasure out of this sort of thing. Now I would rather spend my money on having a good dinner out or feeding a group of people and having a good time. When I moved I planned to buy again but another issue has emerged. Houses here are all ridiculously big and I am reluctant to tie myself down. I have no idea what I will be doing and so it seems foolhardy to make any really lasting decisions at the moment. Besides, the house I am living in  has incredibly good qi. It is a part of a working sheep farm and I love the surrounds, enjoy having rams keeping the grass mown out in the adjacent yard, like being part of the scene.   Walking away from my life didn't take so much courage in the end. It was what I had to do. What I never anticipated was that I would end up walking from many pursuits that had given me pleasure and that I was passionate about.  I am not the person I was. She died on the day my husband died. But that is okay. I am emerging as someone else now and I am hoping that Darryl would be attracted to who I am becoming. My son believes he can feel his father's presence in the house I live in now so I figure I do have my husbands approval.