Everything has changed about me - with effort, with patience...
I look back to when I first joined DS (2007). I was mentally ill, physically and emotionally sick, 275lbs, a slob, blinding ocular migraines, dreadful hormonal issues, afraid of the world and just pushing to get through each day. I was extremely depressed. My world was dark and while I did not have it in me to kill myself - I didn't want to live either. My goal was simply to stop the feeling of "pushing". I somehow kept my career through all of it (medical leave included). I am now pretty much on the other side of this hell. So close to joy I can see it. I have life land-mines before me - hurtles that we all face during this crazy thing we call "life". If this was 2 years ago I could not survive the year that has past or the year that is before me. A dying Father whom I am very close to, a Stepmother who has sever Borderline Personality Disorder and a terminally ill cousin who at only 50 with 3 children has lost pretty much everything and was once my backbone and hero. She is more like my sister and cared for me when I had cancer 16 years ago.
I have slowly, very slowly ticked all of the bad habits and back-burner goals off my list. I have just a few life-goals before me and I am confident that with some time, care and patience I will achieve those goals as well. Calm.
There were a bunch of game changers that I am now reflecting on...and I want to share my story so you too can have hope and perhaps grab a little slice of what worked for me.
Game changer number one - being ready to change. Ok ok, we have all heard that, or said that to someone. You can do all the self discovery you can take in via therapy, self-help books, honest talks with friends or posting for advise on DS - but are you ready to hold up the mirror and take full responsibility for your life, your health, your behaviors, PATTERNS and relationships? I fully excuse human flaws and mistakes...what I now don't excuse in myself or those around me are patterns. YOU are not a victim, you are a resiliant warrior - if and only if you take responsibility.
Game changer number two - I got a new therapist and pill doc! After 18 years of chasing a depression and anxiety pattern I came to discover with the right doctor that I was not depressed or anxious (those were the symptoms) - I was on the bipolar spectrum and therefore all of the meds I was taking were just making it worse! It was NOT easy for us to find the right meds - but after an 8 year struggle I am finally on the right meds. It is not my fault that I have this chemistry - it is my responsibility to make sure it stays balanced. One of those keys is a proper sleep schedule. When you are bipolar you need to be mindful of your sleep. The average person feels like shit when they don't sleep - being bipolar I feel very anxious, fogged and it starts a tailspin.
Game changer number three - I was sick, I was obese and my body was angry at me. I am a cancer survivor, I did not go through 1 year of chemo and radiation to treat my body like crap. I went to an obesity specialist. I was not there for meds or surgery - just a point in the right direction. I didn't THINK I was ready - honestly. At a size 26 - I hurt inside and out. Literally everything hurt. My world hurt. I started a low-glycemic index diet and since I had no clue what I was doing I cut out ALL sugar and white flour. Turns out my body HATED sugar, flour or anything that turns to sugar quickly in your body. After about 7 days on what was pretty much Atkins - I went through an intense withdrawal from the sugar. Hands shaking, a pattern of migraines unlike anything I had ever experienced. To me - this was what it must be like to get off drugs and I decided in that moment that I would never go through withdrawal again - ever. I am lucky that my body spoke to me and I listened. After a few months I realized that it was just not realistic for me to keep food in my house! What? I have an eating disorder and no matter what the food - I will binge. I am lucky to live in NYC and I simply keep zero food in my house. This has been expensive - but my life and body are worth it. I am single and when that changes (because it will damn it!) I will need to figure out how to share my life with someone and have food in the house. At that time I will get treatment for my eating disorder. My doc and I have decided to focus on the success right now and not worry about it. It will be 4 years this April that I cut out sugar and white flour - I have lost 128 pounds and I am still losing very slowly. Currently a size 8/10. I lost 10 lbs this past year - hoping to drop the final 10 or 15 in 2012. Finish strong. My hormones are now balanced. My blood work is amazing. I feel present. Doesn't hurt that I get treated like a rockstar everywhere I go.
With my new psychologist I talked about my messy home that over-whelmed me. He recommended I start with defining each project. Never spend more than an hour at a time. Being bipolar I could get hyper-focused and that could cause a manic state. For me it was tackling the mail that had piled up for about a year! I bought a shredder and would spend blocks of time getting through it. I found a way to have some fun with this. Good tunes and breaking my apartment into zones. I donated 12 bags of clothes - heck at that point (2 years ago) I was down about 6 sizes and only have 1 (yes one!) closet. Next I trusted someone to come into my home and for only $55 give it a deep clean. Get behind things - give me peace. I was embarrassed and it was worth it! BIG GAME CHANGER HAPPENED NEXT. I started to make my bed EVERY DAY. There is nothing like walking into a clean bedroom every night and turning down the comforter. No matter what. Even if I am running late....or at home sick. This allowed me to feel in control of my life and to have a pride that was all my own. I truly believe that next to cutting sugar out of my life, making my bed everyday is the 2nd most important part of my healing. This also helped with the sleep pattern I mentioned earlier. My bedroom became only a place to sleep at night. Not a place to feel sad. No TV. Just a peaceful, pretty, and calm space.
Next, exercise for your brain and to ground yourself. I don't exercise often and my body could really use some firming and some self love to get me to that final phase of weight loss - but I do indeed exercise. I make sure I workout when I am feeling anxious or sad. I simply do this at home. I turn up my favorite high energy music, turn on Wii tennis, put on arm weights and have a blast. My feet never stop moving. I do play other games - Wii Fit Plus, Wii Resort and so on. They have all played a huge role in my success especially over the past 3 years. The Wii got me moving in a safe place. Wii Fit had me weighing in. I have done classes outside of my home this past year - I love pilates and hope to take my fitness to a consistent level this year.
JOURNAL! I got my feelings out. I was angry and this was a needed release. I kept it private. I tracked my progress so that I could look back and when I feel stuck - I will see that I actually made progress. Sometimes this journalling was just once a month - but I have it. I will admit - I can't read the entries from 2008 and earlier - it is too painful. I will tell you - I get super stuck. I can go months and months without dropping a pound or even going up 2 pounds - but I suddenly dig deep and make some additional changes for a few weeks. I set tiny goals - like drop 2 pounds. I also have anxiety set backs! They scare the shit out of me. I have anxiety about having anxiety. My past is ever-present. But I stay brave. I challenge myself and I know that there are good days and bad days.
NEXT - pick your POWER WORD! What one word inspires you? My word is "courage". My sick cousin's word is Believe. I have the word Courage written on my bedroom door.
Now, as the weight started to really come off - my head lifted up and my social skills came back. Confidence. I shined from the inside out. I am shining brighter each day! What's next for me??? LOVE, SEX, and finally sharing myself and life with someone. I have not had sex in 16 years. Fact. I have been dating (on and off for over a year now - mostly OFF). I always get asked out on a second date and I almost always go. Dating stresses me out. My eye twitches! I don't drink - never really did. It's hard for me to let my wall down - but when it is right, when I not only trust the guy, but I am attracted to him - it will happen. Patience. The other stupid piece is my 17 year old cat that I am VERY allergic to. I tried to give her up last year with no success. She needs to be out of my life for me to fully be healthy. I did not know I was allergic to her until she was 12 and by then I figured I would just ride her out. OMG - 17?! With that said, my sweet Luna has cancer and as soon as she is uncomfortable I will sadly put her AND I to peace. I know this is the final game changer. I will likely move and get rid of all fabric furniture.
Last note for you! - Give yourself a RESET BUTTON! For my 40th Birthday I decided that I get a RESET BUTTON. We all have one. We all have the choice to start life over again, hit pause when it's too much and celebrate even the smallest successes like shredding the mail. My reset button is a bell with a picture of me on it from when I was 275lbs and very ill. I keep it on my dresser - sometimes I tuck in a drawer. I do ring that bell before dates or challenging life moments. I remind myself that I am resilient and I can indeed kick-ass. So, stop "pushing" and start living. If you need to hit pause on your life with a bell - do it. Look around at your patterns and change 1 at a time. Don't look at the mountain. You would never eat an entire steak in just one bite - you cut it up into small pieces and chew each one. Chew on that my DS friends!
RECAP: Good therapist, change sleep pattern, eat healthy, take your meds, exercise when you need to ground your brain, journal, Power Word, MAKE YOUR BED and hit RESET whenever you need to.
Feel free to message me if you want more details, have questions or need someone to talk to.
I have slowly, very slowly ticked all of the bad habits and back-burner goals off my list. I have just a few life-goals before me and I am confident that with some time, care and patience I will achieve those goals as well. Calm.
There were a bunch of game changers that I am now reflecting on...and I want to share my story so you too can have hope and perhaps grab a little slice of what worked for me.
Game changer number one - being ready to change. Ok ok, we have all heard that, or said that to someone. You can do all the self discovery you can take in via therapy, self-help books, honest talks with friends or posting for advise on DS - but are you ready to hold up the mirror and take full responsibility for your life, your health, your behaviors, PATTERNS and relationships? I fully excuse human flaws and mistakes...what I now don't excuse in myself or those around me are patterns. YOU are not a victim, you are a resiliant warrior - if and only if you take responsibility.
Game changer number two - I got a new therapist and pill doc! After 18 years of chasing a depression and anxiety pattern I came to discover with the right doctor that I was not depressed or anxious (those were the symptoms) - I was on the bipolar spectrum and therefore all of the meds I was taking were just making it worse! It was NOT easy for us to find the right meds - but after an 8 year struggle I am finally on the right meds. It is not my fault that I have this chemistry - it is my responsibility to make sure it stays balanced. One of those keys is a proper sleep schedule. When you are bipolar you need to be mindful of your sleep. The average person feels like shit when they don't sleep - being bipolar I feel very anxious, fogged and it starts a tailspin.
Game changer number three - I was sick, I was obese and my body was angry at me. I am a cancer survivor, I did not go through 1 year of chemo and radiation to treat my body like crap. I went to an obesity specialist. I was not there for meds or surgery - just a point in the right direction. I didn't THINK I was ready - honestly. At a size 26 - I hurt inside and out. Literally everything hurt. My world hurt. I started a low-glycemic index diet and since I had no clue what I was doing I cut out ALL sugar and white flour. Turns out my body HATED sugar, flour or anything that turns to sugar quickly in your body. After about 7 days on what was pretty much Atkins - I went through an intense withdrawal from the sugar. Hands shaking, a pattern of migraines unlike anything I had ever experienced. To me - this was what it must be like to get off drugs and I decided in that moment that I would never go through withdrawal again - ever. I am lucky that my body spoke to me and I listened. After a few months I realized that it was just not realistic for me to keep food in my house! What? I have an eating disorder and no matter what the food - I will binge. I am lucky to live in NYC and I simply keep zero food in my house. This has been expensive - but my life and body are worth it. I am single and when that changes (because it will damn it!) I will need to figure out how to share my life with someone and have food in the house. At that time I will get treatment for my eating disorder. My doc and I have decided to focus on the success right now and not worry about it. It will be 4 years this April that I cut out sugar and white flour - I have lost 128 pounds and I am still losing very slowly. Currently a size 8/10. I lost 10 lbs this past year - hoping to drop the final 10 or 15 in 2012. Finish strong. My hormones are now balanced. My blood work is amazing. I feel present. Doesn't hurt that I get treated like a rockstar everywhere I go.
With my new psychologist I talked about my messy home that over-whelmed me. He recommended I start with defining each project. Never spend more than an hour at a time. Being bipolar I could get hyper-focused and that could cause a manic state. For me it was tackling the mail that had piled up for about a year! I bought a shredder and would spend blocks of time getting through it. I found a way to have some fun with this. Good tunes and breaking my apartment into zones. I donated 12 bags of clothes - heck at that point (2 years ago) I was down about 6 sizes and only have 1 (yes one!) closet. Next I trusted someone to come into my home and for only $55 give it a deep clean. Get behind things - give me peace. I was embarrassed and it was worth it! BIG GAME CHANGER HAPPENED NEXT. I started to make my bed EVERY DAY. There is nothing like walking into a clean bedroom every night and turning down the comforter. No matter what. Even if I am running late....or at home sick. This allowed me to feel in control of my life and to have a pride that was all my own. I truly believe that next to cutting sugar out of my life, making my bed everyday is the 2nd most important part of my healing. This also helped with the sleep pattern I mentioned earlier. My bedroom became only a place to sleep at night. Not a place to feel sad. No TV. Just a peaceful, pretty, and calm space.
Next, exercise for your brain and to ground yourself. I don't exercise often and my body could really use some firming and some self love to get me to that final phase of weight loss - but I do indeed exercise. I make sure I workout when I am feeling anxious or sad. I simply do this at home. I turn up my favorite high energy music, turn on Wii tennis, put on arm weights and have a blast. My feet never stop moving. I do play other games - Wii Fit Plus, Wii Resort and so on. They have all played a huge role in my success especially over the past 3 years. The Wii got me moving in a safe place. Wii Fit had me weighing in. I have done classes outside of my home this past year - I love pilates and hope to take my fitness to a consistent level this year.
JOURNAL! I got my feelings out. I was angry and this was a needed release. I kept it private. I tracked my progress so that I could look back and when I feel stuck - I will see that I actually made progress. Sometimes this journalling was just once a month - but I have it. I will admit - I can't read the entries from 2008 and earlier - it is too painful. I will tell you - I get super stuck. I can go months and months without dropping a pound or even going up 2 pounds - but I suddenly dig deep and make some additional changes for a few weeks. I set tiny goals - like drop 2 pounds. I also have anxiety set backs! They scare the shit out of me. I have anxiety about having anxiety. My past is ever-present. But I stay brave. I challenge myself and I know that there are good days and bad days.
NEXT - pick your POWER WORD! What one word inspires you? My word is "courage". My sick cousin's word is Believe. I have the word Courage written on my bedroom door.
Now, as the weight started to really come off - my head lifted up and my social skills came back. Confidence. I shined from the inside out. I am shining brighter each day! What's next for me??? LOVE, SEX, and finally sharing myself and life with someone. I have not had sex in 16 years. Fact. I have been dating (on and off for over a year now - mostly OFF). I always get asked out on a second date and I almost always go. Dating stresses me out. My eye twitches! I don't drink - never really did. It's hard for me to let my wall down - but when it is right, when I not only trust the guy, but I am attracted to him - it will happen. Patience. The other stupid piece is my 17 year old cat that I am VERY allergic to. I tried to give her up last year with no success. She needs to be out of my life for me to fully be healthy. I did not know I was allergic to her until she was 12 and by then I figured I would just ride her out. OMG - 17?! With that said, my sweet Luna has cancer and as soon as she is uncomfortable I will sadly put her AND I to peace. I know this is the final game changer. I will likely move and get rid of all fabric furniture.
Last note for you! - Give yourself a RESET BUTTON! For my 40th Birthday I decided that I get a RESET BUTTON. We all have one. We all have the choice to start life over again, hit pause when it's too much and celebrate even the smallest successes like shredding the mail. My reset button is a bell with a picture of me on it from when I was 275lbs and very ill. I keep it on my dresser - sometimes I tuck in a drawer. I do ring that bell before dates or challenging life moments. I remind myself that I am resilient and I can indeed kick-ass. So, stop "pushing" and start living. If you need to hit pause on your life with a bell - do it. Look around at your patterns and change 1 at a time. Don't look at the mountain. You would never eat an entire steak in just one bite - you cut it up into small pieces and chew each one. Chew on that my DS friends!
RECAP: Good therapist, change sleep pattern, eat healthy, take your meds, exercise when you need to ground your brain, journal, Power Word, MAKE YOUR BED and hit RESET whenever you need to.
Feel free to message me if you want more details, have questions or need someone to talk to.
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