Everyone says to journal!
Dear PJ,
Everyone says you should journal after you lose a loved one. Trouble is I'm not good at writing. That was your forte hon. It's been more than 9 mos now since you died and I finally took some of your clothes down to Goodwill. Not the shorts and t-shirts you wore all the time, I'm still not ready to part with those, but the dress pants & shirts you wore for special occasions and your wedding suit. I think that was the hardest thing to part with just because of the memories attached to it. I had to resist the urge as I drove away to go back and say I'd made a mistake. So I cried in the car instead. In my head I can hear you saying "they are just things". I know it doesn't mean I love you any less or I'm "putting you away" but it was still harder than I thought it would be. The memory of our wedding day will be in my heart forever. There are still so many days when it's hard to believe you're really gone for good. But, at the same time I realize I am getting more used to being on my own. I'm starting to get anxious about all the upcoming anniversaries. The BIG firsts, your birthday, our wedding anniversary and of course the anniversary of your death. I don't know if I should do something, if I do, what I should do? Should I involve your daughters?, do they want to be involved? All these thoughts just keep swirling around. I contacted the hospice to reconnect with a bereavement counselor again after mine retired. Think I'm going to need help to get through the next few months. And then what? It's not like some magic wand is waved and everything will return to normal. You'll still be gone and another year will start without you. I saw something on Pinterest the other day and it so sums up how I'm feeling, "the hardest part wasn't losing you, it's learning to live without you." So very true. Wishing you were somehow here again while knowing you never will be. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Miss you. Liz
Everyone says you should journal after you lose a loved one. Trouble is I'm not good at writing. That was your forte hon. It's been more than 9 mos now since you died and I finally took some of your clothes down to Goodwill. Not the shorts and t-shirts you wore all the time, I'm still not ready to part with those, but the dress pants & shirts you wore for special occasions and your wedding suit. I think that was the hardest thing to part with just because of the memories attached to it. I had to resist the urge as I drove away to go back and say I'd made a mistake. So I cried in the car instead. In my head I can hear you saying "they are just things". I know it doesn't mean I love you any less or I'm "putting you away" but it was still harder than I thought it would be. The memory of our wedding day will be in my heart forever. There are still so many days when it's hard to believe you're really gone for good. But, at the same time I realize I am getting more used to being on my own. I'm starting to get anxious about all the upcoming anniversaries. The BIG firsts, your birthday, our wedding anniversary and of course the anniversary of your death. I don't know if I should do something, if I do, what I should do? Should I involve your daughters?, do they want to be involved? All these thoughts just keep swirling around. I contacted the hospice to reconnect with a bereavement counselor again after mine retired. Think I'm going to need help to get through the next few months. And then what? It's not like some magic wand is waved and everything will return to normal. You'll still be gone and another year will start without you. I saw something on Pinterest the other day and it so sums up how I'm feeling, "the hardest part wasn't losing you, it's learning to live without you." So very true. Wishing you were somehow here again while knowing you never will be. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Miss you. Liz
Replies
Dearest Liz . . . what a beautiful journal letter to your PJ. I totally understand your emotions . . . fear, anxiety, questions of the future . . all the norm, as you have read from others here on DS. I just passed the one year Heaven Anniversary and it wasn\'t quite as hard as I had projected it to be. I hope yours will pass peacefully as well. The second (new year) for me has brought more clarity, resilience and hope for a brighter future thus far. Again, I hope yours will be equally as serene and grounded in reality. I\'m so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Just know that you are still not alone here. Many are with you in spirit. Sending healing and positive thoughts your way. Hugs, Dayna P.S. Remember, you are stronger than you think!
Liz a very touching and well written journal entry. Those written from the heart are the best and yours is clearly written from there. Working with a bereavement counselor is a very good idea(It helped me tremendously. The learning to live without them is a long process I am still working on 2 years later. The pain becomes less intense but the love you carry for them is always there. Wishing you gentle days ahead. Expect good ones and bad ones. Lots of time we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. That is a normal part of grieving. The donating personal items is brutally tough for all of us. Try not to think to far in the future just get through each day and be gentle on yourself. God bless.
Liz,
You write extremely beautiful and express your thoughts with great clarity. Dewman is wishing a peaceful summer and for many positive things to enter your life. You are in a time of change and you are keeping positive energies with you and always let that positive mental atitude rise to the surface. A big Montana hug to you from Dewey and Harley. Peace and happiness for you in the future. Dewman
You wrote that very well. Life just can\'t be the same now that we are left behind. I\'ve got a closet with my wife\'s clothes that I can\'t approach right now. It\'s too soon. I hope you get through the anniversaries okay. Chris
What a beautiful and heart filled entry, Liz.
My husband\'s and son\'s angel-versaries are 2days apart. Every year now I take vacation days, as a way of honouring myself and my need to grieve. My kids and I went for Chinese dim sum for their dads angel-versary, which they remember as dad\'s favourite meal out.
A tradition like that might be something you could consider too..
Sending hugs.