everyone forgot
i'm living in a world that has forgotten Sophia. I wake up everyday and the sun comes out. How can that be? Why would the world just keep spinning even though my precious little Angel is gone? I can see that Spring is on its way and i hate it. All the life is coming back into the earth and i'm just walking around dead.
I think about how i should be sleep deprived from holding a crying baby, not from crying alone in my own yard. My house is clean, it should have baby clothes and toys everywhere. Sophia should have seen her first snow this winter, and the Canadian Geese that come here every Spring. I could take her to see her new niece who's coming in June. She could keep me occupied and spit up milk on my $165 text books.
Instead i just sit here and think about what should have been. And i feel so cheated even when my own sister calls me and makes even the slightest comment about her daughter, who is yet to be born. I'm not vindictive, i'm just jealous. And i don't understand why she had to get pregnant so soon after i lost my baby, and with a baby girl!!!!!!!!! I remember the day after i came home from the hospital, and the sun shone in our room and i said i wish that sun would go the hell away. Thats what i think everyday. I want that sun to stop rising and the world to stop spinning and for everyone to stop and realize that we lost a beautiful little Angel like Sophia.
But no one stops and i'm the only one who remembers. And sometimes i feel like i'm just in this glass box staring out at everyone who's moving on and i can't because part of me wants to stay with Sophia in that awful moment in September forever.
I think about how i should be sleep deprived from holding a crying baby, not from crying alone in my own yard. My house is clean, it should have baby clothes and toys everywhere. Sophia should have seen her first snow this winter, and the Canadian Geese that come here every Spring. I could take her to see her new niece who's coming in June. She could keep me occupied and spit up milk on my $165 text books.
Instead i just sit here and think about what should have been. And i feel so cheated even when my own sister calls me and makes even the slightest comment about her daughter, who is yet to be born. I'm not vindictive, i'm just jealous. And i don't understand why she had to get pregnant so soon after i lost my baby, and with a baby girl!!!!!!!!! I remember the day after i came home from the hospital, and the sun shone in our room and i said i wish that sun would go the hell away. Thats what i think everyday. I want that sun to stop rising and the world to stop spinning and for everyone to stop and realize that we lost a beautiful little Angel like Sophia.
But no one stops and i'm the only one who remembers. And sometimes i feel like i'm just in this glass box staring out at everyone who's moving on and i can't because part of me wants to stay with Sophia in that awful moment in September forever.
Replies
Oh, hunny, I know that you may not want to hear this, But I know exactly how you feel. One month after my baby was stillborn, my older sister called me (ON MOTHER\"S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!) to tell me she was pregnant. It turned out to be a boy too. My mom then (after Miles was born) made comments about how cute her FIRST grandson is (Referring to the one who didn\'t die, of course!) and thats when I lost it. I screamed, Slammed, Swore, cried, and told my family they would NEVER know how we feel. Yes, they are sad, for us... But they can\'t really understand. My post a week after I lost James William was, I want the world to stop so I can get off, right here and now. But the sun will continue to rise in the east and fall in the west, and life has to go on. Four years later it is still hard--- I see a four year old boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, and think, Would James look like that? Would he like Thomas, or Spongebob? Or both? He would be getting ready to go to Preschool or Kindergarten now, and I would be getting little Dandelion corsages that ruin my clothes, but I wear them just the same. Those little handprint bowls made out of plaster of Paris, like I did with my Daycare classes. But I am here to let you know, I have made it four years. I know you will too. If you can, one thing that helped me SO much was a counselor. Someone that listened to me and gave me her advice, it helped me not to move on, but go through my own grief process with a professional. I found a therapist who reminded me of my grandmother. It was like sitting on her screened in porch drinking tea and chatting about how I was feeling. Without someone listening to me telling me I was not to blame and I was rational, and I am right where I need to be in my grieving process, I would have gone crazy. If you need anything hunny, don\'t hesitate. I\'m am praying for you. Meghan
Wow I feel like I wrote that. Same feelings. When I left the hospital and seen cars driving I was litterly shocked. I really thought the world stopped.
Our worlds have stopped...or at least been put on hold. But everyone else worlds keep on going. Sometimes I can\'t believe it either. I too notice that others don\'t talk about Kaylee unless I bring her up & even then they seem uncomfortable. But I don\'t care, I continue to talk about her because I need to. She was alive inside of me. Just as Sophia was. Our angels need to be remembered by us and by our families. My mom always tells me that Kaylee will always be her first grandbaby and she will always talk about her. i hope this is true.
I think that\'s a way we all feel, when we see others who were pregnant the same time as us have their babies or other women go on to get pregnant especially makes me feel like I\'m standing still and everyone else is moving forwards. Like losing our angels stops us dead in our tracks and we can\'t go forward coz they aren\'t in that future. Part of me never wanted to carry on, because each day passing was one day further from the day I spent with my angel in my arms...
I remember feeling like I was standing on a sidewalk with all the busy people walking by and I was just stood with no direct or purpose.
I luckily do have some friends who will remember my Jayne without prompting, but only occasionally. I\'m still planning pictures for my wall and when we finally buy our house for the family I will have a part of the garden done just for her, full of roses and maybe a tree too. I think when we remember, others do too, it\'s our job to keep them a part of the family, just as it would have been our job to raise them. Sending hugs