I still wake up with the words I am going to tell him in my mind,  I have not call him.   After the incident last week it made it a little easier.  I realize no matter what I try to answer to him, even the most mundane question he will twisted and it will end badly.
I just don't understand why I did not see his behaivor more clearly before.  And why I did not stand my ground?  When I got married I was a pistol, no one can mess with me. Or so I tought.
I am trying to pinpoint my mistakes to learn from them.   Why did I trusted him so much?
Why did I not do anything when the abuse continue?  What was I so afraid of? 
I know I have to own my mistakes,  it just that I don't understand why I did  this things.
A friend of mine told me that at times I am too proud to realize when I am wrong, that she tried to tell me but I just wouldn't listen.  One time we picked her up at the airport, but since I did not knew what terminal she was coming from, my ex got enraged,  my friend got to the car and told me "I don't understand why he is this angry, he is yelling at you in front of everyone".   I  just downplayed the whole thing.  Why?  How could I been so blind?  She avoided me after that, now  I understand.
I need to be able-to borrow the words of someone else in a journal in DS-to close this door, the door of my failed marriage.  But it is such a  big door.  And my ex is standing in there, like a giant, I am trying to see him smaller, but frankly I can't.
I wonder when will I be able to do so.



I think I hid the abuse in my first marriage because I was so shocked that someone I loved would do these things. I was embarrassed and made excuses for him. It truly is hard to see what others can see so clearly when you are caught in the middle of it all. I was only 18 at the time and very shy. He was in his mid 20\'s and ours was his second marriage.

I\'m also thinking of my ex as very small and standing in a very big door. Just keep working on yourself and before long your ex will be that small man in the large door. It will just take more time.

I do think a big part of it was that I was ashamed. Shame that he would do something so low, the same man who wants told me \"I would rather cut my hands than hit a woman\". After a while I am ashamed to say I also believe his lies. I began to think his words, his disfunction was just a normal.
I will keep working on myself, I will go out this weekend I need to have some fun.
Meantime I will keep trying to close this damn door.
Thank you for your support Trish, I know one day we both will close this damn door.

azuca, you are still at the point where you are asking yourself why in an attempt to make sense of it all. To be honest, it probably will never make sense and to keep raking yourself over the coats is counter-productive to your healing. There was no physical abuse in my marriage, but oh the emotional NEGLECT and passive agressive abuse! I used to wonder what was wrong with me -- why had I put up with so much of that over the years...but my therapist helped me to see and understand that my X was a master manipulator and he used all sorts of psychological tricks to make and keep me his victim.
I FORGAVE myself for not seeing through it long ago. And I vowed NEVER AGAIN! Today, I have chalked it all up to experience and vowed to REMEMBER the painful journey.
You will get there, too. Just keep the focus on YOU and in the HERE AND NOW.

Azuca, all the above answers are correct. Now, I see my ex as a very small man in that big door. He\'s also a master at manipulation. That\'s why my kids are so mixed up over it....they soooo wanted to believe he\'s an innocent man. I remember before I married the jerk....my mom, who was one of THE peacemakers of all time, came to my apt. to warn me that he was burning the candle at both ends. He seemed like such a good man that I just couldn\'t see it. I went over to his apt. to ask him. Of course, he lied! He wasn\'t about to humble himself and tell me the truth...he wanted me and ALL the others too. I was just another spoke in his wheel. And Azuca, I FINALLY did learn. He\'s just a liar; not just to me, but to ALL the women in his life...even his current wife. She thinks she\'s got the greatest man on earth. She doesn\'t. She\'d just another victim. Yes, you keep focusing on YOUR GREAT QUALITIES!!!! You have many! I just adore you hon. Door beat yourself up. He\'s not worth your energy. He has major issues and you\'re not the problem. They must be deep rooted. You were just his target and took it. But, you\'re not taking it anymore. You so wanted to make your marriage work...that is admirable, but we have to have something to work WITH. You nor I had that. We could make a man really happy, but HE has to be a real man. Real men do NOT hit women. They do NOT abuse in any form. YOU deserve a REAL man as do the rest of us! Hang in there Girl!

hugs to you!