Everyday

I still wake up with the words I am going to tell him in my mind,  I have not call him.   After the incident last week it made it a little easier.  I realize no matter what I try to answer to him, even the most mundane question he will twisted and it will end badly.
I just don't understand why I did not see his behaivor more clearly before.  And why I did not stand my ground?  When I got married I was a pistol, no one can mess with me. Or so I tought.
I am trying to pinpoint my mistakes to learn from them.   Why did I trusted him so much?
Why did I not do anything when the abuse continue?  What was I so afraid of? 
I know I have to own my mistakes,  it just that I don't understand why I did  this things.
A friend of mine told me that at times I am too proud to realize when I am wrong, that she tried to tell me but I just wouldn't listen.  One time we picked her up at the airport, but since I did not knew what terminal she was coming from, my ex got enraged,  my friend got to the car and told me "I don't understand why he is this angry, he is yelling at you in front of everyone".   I  just downplayed the whole thing.  Why?  How could I been so blind?  She avoided me after that, now  I understand.
I need to be able-to borrow the words of someone else in a journal in DS-to close this door, the door of my failed marriage.  But it is such a  big door.  And my ex is standing in there, like a giant, I am trying to see him smaller, but frankly I can't.
I wonder when will I be able to do so.