every day a struggle
One day I am okay and the next day my feelings are like jell-o. SO unstable. My husband has emotionally hurt and drained me over all these 15 + years and I have been wanting to leave for so long. Now the door is open for me. We talked a year ago when I said one night that I did not want to be married any more. Turns out, he was feeling the same way. He had been noticing the strain on the marriage. We had a long long talk and decided to give it a year. We would work on it and in the mean time, get the house in order and our belongings for if it did not work out. I knew in December that I just was not feeling it. I told him that I did not need to wait until June. He thought things were getting better. I told him I just wasn't complaining about anything because it might be moot, senseless to even try.
He was such a good true person for the first 7 years he was in my life. Then when we had been married for 3 years, it all changed. He has an anger, rage and temper problem. When I confront him about that, he gets even more mad. He says that I am too sensitive(this makes me feel like I have to put up with it) Yet he can be so nice when I am in need or anyone else is around. Why do I struggle so? I can be a sensitive person and times like these, I wish I had a hard shell. I lost a friend 3 years into the marriage and I never got back what everyone else still gets.
I keep remembering all the things that we have done together, all the places, all the events, the family losses, the triumphs, our shared personal jokes. I want to remember the hurt. I want to recall how he talked down to me like a child. I want to recall his aggressive, domineering tones and words. I want to remember how he occasionally throws things out of anger (not at me though). He does not put me down for my personal short comings. He has never denied me the chance to persue my own goals or hobbies. He likes to put in that he is always giving in to me. He uses that line all the time. WHen something needed to be repaired or replaced, he was always against it. He would say no. He never really focused on how we did not have the money. He never wanted to save money to make any changes. He "fixed one of the faucets in our upstairs bathroom but did not seat it right to the counter. He said it worked and he was not going to change it. It is like that to this day. I tried to fix it but he has it screwed on so tight under the counter.
I had to ask for a screen door for my birthday one year because he otherwise refused to get a new one. The shaft that allows the door to close on its own (that you can prop open) was busted and it just hung there. He said the door was still able to open and clos and he did not want a new one. He blame shifts. Everything is all because of me. I try to get to the heart of a matter and he just focuses on grammer and "you said this" and "you did not say that(those exact words)" It takes the heat away from the very subject of the argument. Hey, this is all coming back to me now. I will still submit this so I can have a running board to put things into perspective.
Tomorrow I will still be on this emotional roller coaster. I want to be married to him, I don't want to be married to him. I like time spent alone. I fear being permanently alone. Is this normal? Many years ago I wanted to go to counseling. He did not. He made it clear. Now he is willing to go to have the sessions determine if the marriage is worth saving. If I don't do this, I know he would turn it around in front of his family and our friends and make it look like he wanted counseling and I did not. He will fail to mention that he did not want to go years ago. He has a hard time letting his vulnerability show in front of family and friends. Ego? He has said throughout the years during some arguments the following phrase..." you haven't seen my real anger, what I am capable of being". He says that and I feel threatened and quite honestly scared. It puts thoughts in my head about movies where a spouse overpowers the other and strangles them when they least expect it. I do have a wild imagination but I like to think there is merit in those thoughts. Merit, lets go over that. In my years, I have been a bookworm. I love to read. I also pay attention to items on theTV. WHen I have a conversation with the spouse and I give a fact or a statement, he never takes it at face value. He needs proof and if he does not read about it or know it himself, then what I say is not valid. He can not accept that I know something that is new to him. I never get validation.
Wow, who knew that writing in a journal could give a person a little relief and clarity? I will do this again tomorrow too. Who knows what my subconscious will uncover.
He was such a good true person for the first 7 years he was in my life. Then when we had been married for 3 years, it all changed. He has an anger, rage and temper problem. When I confront him about that, he gets even more mad. He says that I am too sensitive(this makes me feel like I have to put up with it) Yet he can be so nice when I am in need or anyone else is around. Why do I struggle so? I can be a sensitive person and times like these, I wish I had a hard shell. I lost a friend 3 years into the marriage and I never got back what everyone else still gets.
I keep remembering all the things that we have done together, all the places, all the events, the family losses, the triumphs, our shared personal jokes. I want to remember the hurt. I want to recall how he talked down to me like a child. I want to recall his aggressive, domineering tones and words. I want to remember how he occasionally throws things out of anger (not at me though). He does not put me down for my personal short comings. He has never denied me the chance to persue my own goals or hobbies. He likes to put in that he is always giving in to me. He uses that line all the time. WHen something needed to be repaired or replaced, he was always against it. He would say no. He never really focused on how we did not have the money. He never wanted to save money to make any changes. He "fixed one of the faucets in our upstairs bathroom but did not seat it right to the counter. He said it worked and he was not going to change it. It is like that to this day. I tried to fix it but he has it screwed on so tight under the counter.
I had to ask for a screen door for my birthday one year because he otherwise refused to get a new one. The shaft that allows the door to close on its own (that you can prop open) was busted and it just hung there. He said the door was still able to open and clos and he did not want a new one. He blame shifts. Everything is all because of me. I try to get to the heart of a matter and he just focuses on grammer and "you said this" and "you did not say that(those exact words)" It takes the heat away from the very subject of the argument. Hey, this is all coming back to me now. I will still submit this so I can have a running board to put things into perspective.
Tomorrow I will still be on this emotional roller coaster. I want to be married to him, I don't want to be married to him. I like time spent alone. I fear being permanently alone. Is this normal? Many years ago I wanted to go to counseling. He did not. He made it clear. Now he is willing to go to have the sessions determine if the marriage is worth saving. If I don't do this, I know he would turn it around in front of his family and our friends and make it look like he wanted counseling and I did not. He will fail to mention that he did not want to go years ago. He has a hard time letting his vulnerability show in front of family and friends. Ego? He has said throughout the years during some arguments the following phrase..." you haven't seen my real anger, what I am capable of being". He says that and I feel threatened and quite honestly scared. It puts thoughts in my head about movies where a spouse overpowers the other and strangles them when they least expect it. I do have a wild imagination but I like to think there is merit in those thoughts. Merit, lets go over that. In my years, I have been a bookworm. I love to read. I also pay attention to items on theTV. WHen I have a conversation with the spouse and I give a fact or a statement, he never takes it at face value. He needs proof and if he does not read about it or know it himself, then what I say is not valid. He can not accept that I know something that is new to him. I never get validation.
Wow, who knew that writing in a journal could give a person a little relief and clarity? I will do this again tomorrow too. Who knows what my subconscious will uncover.
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