evening thoughts
When I sit at my computer in the kitchen my husband designed, I look out the windows at trees he planted. I am surrounded by J's creativity and love. I feel he often helps me in things large and small. Things don't always go my way but there are cheerful signs around. I am reallt struggling with teaching kindergarten this year. I am a 37+ year veteran of the classroom, mostly high school, including 14 years in severe behavior units in residential facilities. It is hard to believe that such a tough old bird can be brought to her knees by a room of tiny, cute 5 year olds, but that's the way it is. I'll keep at it, keep researching and trying things but although my husband was not a teacher he often helped me with ideas, technology, a compassionate look at the circumstances. Just another way I miss him.
Weirdly, I've lost self esteem by his death. I always knew my goal and center when he was here. I waas in business to be a good wife and when the children were home, a good stepmother. Now I feel I could fall off the edge of the earth and not be missed. That sounds self-pitying. I guess it is. I need to center my life in God and press on.
Last weekend I went to a conference in the eastern part of the state. J and I used to go to it; it was a high spot in the year. This year I drove down reluctantly and only because I had already paid for it. When I got there I heard things I needed to hear and saw some friends. I was glad I went. Then I went to a Sacred Harp sing on Sunday with my sister. Quite a weekend.
Tonight I have stayed up later than usual. Pretty exciting! I was caulking the tub and grading papers for school! I am really living! I read posts here about people who are dating. No one has asked me and frankly I can't imagine being interested. I think it is great if they want to and can, however. We certainly don't all have to be alike.
This site has helped me so much. I hope everyone that comes here gets what I have gotten. Again, I don't think it matters if we agree on everything, just that we help each other and feel some understanding.
I'm grateful for
inspiring music
kindergartners
asters
Hallowe'en pumpkins
peace and quiet
my dear puppies and kitties
friends, families and neighbors, school colleagues and group members
God's love and forgiveness
beautiful weather
Weirdly, I've lost self esteem by his death. I always knew my goal and center when he was here. I waas in business to be a good wife and when the children were home, a good stepmother. Now I feel I could fall off the edge of the earth and not be missed. That sounds self-pitying. I guess it is. I need to center my life in God and press on.
Last weekend I went to a conference in the eastern part of the state. J and I used to go to it; it was a high spot in the year. This year I drove down reluctantly and only because I had already paid for it. When I got there I heard things I needed to hear and saw some friends. I was glad I went. Then I went to a Sacred Harp sing on Sunday with my sister. Quite a weekend.
Tonight I have stayed up later than usual. Pretty exciting! I was caulking the tub and grading papers for school! I am really living! I read posts here about people who are dating. No one has asked me and frankly I can't imagine being interested. I think it is great if they want to and can, however. We certainly don't all have to be alike.
This site has helped me so much. I hope everyone that comes here gets what I have gotten. Again, I don't think it matters if we agree on everything, just that we help each other and feel some understanding.
I'm grateful for
inspiring music
kindergartners
asters
Hallowe'en pumpkins
peace and quiet
my dear puppies and kitties
friends, families and neighbors, school colleagues and group members
God's love and forgiveness
beautiful weather
Replies
No one has asked me out either, Edith -- and I would faint if anyone did! Have you seen the DS Group \"Hopeful Hearts\"? The members on there are interested in meeting people to date etc. I think most of the men in my age group (70s) want gals in 50s or 60s -- so I\'ll have to check out the 80 & 90-yr. olds -- Take care, Doye
Well, I guess we can just sit home and caulk the tub if dating doesn\'t work out! Lots of love to you, doyew!
Edith,
It\'s interesting that the loss of self-esteem that you mentioned seems to be a by-product of losing one\'s spouse. Take heart, though, because often it takes a turn for the better after some time. We survivors can get downright determined and confident after a few bruised-ego incidents while trying to make our way in a world that patronizes widows/widowers. Blessings and I sure think your \"swell.\" TJ
I agree TJ, we soon become a different self sufficient person. God has a wonderful way of helping and guiding us through.
Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms his Child!.
Christine
Thank you, my friends. Your words mean so much!