Evening 12/22/2013
Normally I feel a bit better in the evening. Tonight I'm feeling a bit worse. The chronic pain isn't too bad it's just enough to bring me down as I feel it will never go away even though the doc said it would with time. Some days it will feel like it might be going only to return. It is a cruel trick on an already fragile mind.
I'm feeling a bit lost as well. I think the lost feeling is becasue I fear having to struggle through each day. Will the chronic pain be there again? Will I feel sad and lost again? It becomes a vicious cycle that I need to break. But it's so hard to break.
Why is it so easy to live with sorrow and pain and so hard to be happy and peaceful? You would think that we would be hardwired to feel the good feelings that we have all had in life even if they where for a brief period of time.
Maybe normal people are wired to be happy and depressed people are just unfortunate. Like any other disease so people have it and some don't. I wish there was a magic pill that could make it all better even for just a few hours. If I could know that some relief was possible by doing something it would feel less hopeless.
Looking at my mom's Christmas lights reminds me of being a child. God I would count the days until Christmas! I couldn't wait to go to my grandparents house on Christmas Eve every year and stay up all night when we would open the gifts. We never had much as we grew up but just being together and opening a few small things was all I needed back then.
What happened to that happy little boy? My God by the time I was in grade school I was having anxiety attacks. But why? Nothing happened to cause this. I was just born with a timebomb in my head that went off at such a young age and still haunts me.
I was able to break free during my teens and early twenties. The weekends where filled with work and school and friends. After my divorce I was down for obvious reasons but even in my early-mid 30's I was able to fill my time with work and spending time with friends on the weekend.
But since 2008 it just feels like everthing has broken. Allergies to things that I love and this unshakeable unhappiness. Now the chronic pain has put me over the edge once again. What scares me is that when I hit me lowest point in 2008 I never really pulled very far away from it. It's like I went over the edge and barely held on. Then I climbed out of the pit only to stand on the razors edge for the past 5 years.
It didn't take much to push me back over the edge again. I pray to God that I can pull myself back out of the pit AGAIN! And if I can pull myself out again then I need to keep walking. Therapy, meds, support whatever it takes to keep walking away from this nightmare place and never return again.
God please give me the strength to get through this nightmare just one more time. I'll do everything in my power to help myself but I can't do this by myself anymore. Please put me on the right path and put the right people in my path so I can get better as quickly as possible and just move on and move forward with a normal healthy life.
God please hear my prayer...
I'm feeling a bit lost as well. I think the lost feeling is becasue I fear having to struggle through each day. Will the chronic pain be there again? Will I feel sad and lost again? It becomes a vicious cycle that I need to break. But it's so hard to break.
Why is it so easy to live with sorrow and pain and so hard to be happy and peaceful? You would think that we would be hardwired to feel the good feelings that we have all had in life even if they where for a brief period of time.
Maybe normal people are wired to be happy and depressed people are just unfortunate. Like any other disease so people have it and some don't. I wish there was a magic pill that could make it all better even for just a few hours. If I could know that some relief was possible by doing something it would feel less hopeless.
Looking at my mom's Christmas lights reminds me of being a child. God I would count the days until Christmas! I couldn't wait to go to my grandparents house on Christmas Eve every year and stay up all night when we would open the gifts. We never had much as we grew up but just being together and opening a few small things was all I needed back then.
What happened to that happy little boy? My God by the time I was in grade school I was having anxiety attacks. But why? Nothing happened to cause this. I was just born with a timebomb in my head that went off at such a young age and still haunts me.
I was able to break free during my teens and early twenties. The weekends where filled with work and school and friends. After my divorce I was down for obvious reasons but even in my early-mid 30's I was able to fill my time with work and spending time with friends on the weekend.
But since 2008 it just feels like everthing has broken. Allergies to things that I love and this unshakeable unhappiness. Now the chronic pain has put me over the edge once again. What scares me is that when I hit me lowest point in 2008 I never really pulled very far away from it. It's like I went over the edge and barely held on. Then I climbed out of the pit only to stand on the razors edge for the past 5 years.
It didn't take much to push me back over the edge again. I pray to God that I can pull myself back out of the pit AGAIN! And if I can pull myself out again then I need to keep walking. Therapy, meds, support whatever it takes to keep walking away from this nightmare place and never return again.
God please give me the strength to get through this nightmare just one more time. I'll do everything in my power to help myself but I can't do this by myself anymore. Please put me on the right path and put the right people in my path so I can get better as quickly as possible and just move on and move forward with a normal healthy life.
God please hear my prayer...
Replies
God hears all our prayers. I don\'t understand why we have to experience what we do. But, I do believe he hears us and is always with us. I also believe that each time we make it back out of the pit, we have learned a little more about what to do to keep from falling in as deeply as we did before. Keep your arms open to the help that is offered to you from so many.