Even Worse Today
Today I woke up feeling okay (not great) but as time went on I started to feel worse and worse until around 2pm I was feeling like I just wanted to die. Not kill myself, but just fully give up on life. I woke up with the hallucination that something was grabbing my foot with long fingernail claws from under the bed. That was my first clue it was going to be a bad day. Right now it's about 5pm and I'm feeling okay, but I know that's going to change. I've been mood swinging all day. I'm surprised I got out of bed at all. I did eat breakfast (chicken thigh and some cereal) and lunch (ramen) and I'm going to try and eat a yogurt when I'm done with this. I know I need more protein in my diet, I've been so low on it for so long. I also know I need more carbohydrates, but those are harder for me to eat. Spark People wants me to eat so many carbohydrates! They want me eating a minimum of 200mg a day, and that's just insane to me right now. I'm lucky if I get to 175. I've just been bad on everything... food, water, basic stuff like exercise... It's the depression.
I think the depression started on Thursday, the day after what would have been my dad's birthday. He would have been 57. I didn't mention it in my journal because I didn't think it effected me. I guess I should have, since it did. My depression was so bad today I woke Geo so I could cry on his shoulder. He wasn't upset or anything, but I felt bad for waking him. He doesn't get a lot of sleep, and he was getting good sleep when I woke him. I was crying and told him I just wanted to give up on everything, told him the part about wanting to take off my wedding ring because he's one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive. I don't know what I would have done if I had taken my ring off... I'm not suicidal per se, I don't want to kill myself. I just want to be dead. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just know that's how I feel. I'm just trying to make it to Friday when I can go into the hospital if I need to. I need to wait until then because I have to cook on Thursday.
I'm just trying to stick it out here... I know things are going to be better tomorrow when my boss comes in and sees I did all the work she gave me when she didn't think I could get it all done. I am better than people think. I can do more than most people. I know that might sound arrogant, but if at any time I need to pump my self esteem up it's now. Geo was saying when he was holding me that I'm doing better overall, and that disability seems to be helping me get more stable. Well, he didn't say it made me more stable, but us more stable (financially) and all that.
I feel myself going through an upswing right now. Now I'm feeling good and all that wanting to die stuff is behind me. I want to go do laundry and stuff, which I might do in a couple minutes. I just ate my Greek yogurt and so I have energy. I just want to have done something today. I think I will go get the laundry together and see how I feel. Okay, laundry is in the washer... now I just have to dry it and put it all away. I hope it all washes... I filled up the laundry pretty high. I abuse the poor washers here at the apartment because I don't have the money to be doing small loads of laundry all the time. I know it's not that expensive, I'm just that broke. I go through about 4 loads a month, which is $10. I have plenty of clothes, so wearing dirty stuff isn't an issue.
Food today was good, actually! I forced myself to eat some cereal with breakfast, and I think that's what made the difference. I'm in my calorie range for everything if I just eat dinner tonight. I'm going to eat it, I know that, because Geo made his yummy chicken (it's baked fried chicken). I love it when he makes it, it just causes him to be in pain. I thought he was going to be okay, but now he's in pain and I feel guilty. I shouldn't have asked him to make it, I should have tried to make it myself. It just never comes out as good when I do it. I guess he just has the touch. Stress today was high... I felt like crap and wanted to die, I can't say that made me feel relaxed. I did have to take some klonopin in the middle of the day when the mood swings were at their worst. It did help a bit, but it's not something I want to get in the habit of doing. I need to be able to be functional at work, and taking klonopin is not something that would make me functional. Oh well. Laundry is in the dryer now, and dinner is going to be ready soon, so I'm going to go. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
I think the depression started on Thursday, the day after what would have been my dad's birthday. He would have been 57. I didn't mention it in my journal because I didn't think it effected me. I guess I should have, since it did. My depression was so bad today I woke Geo so I could cry on his shoulder. He wasn't upset or anything, but I felt bad for waking him. He doesn't get a lot of sleep, and he was getting good sleep when I woke him. I was crying and told him I just wanted to give up on everything, told him the part about wanting to take off my wedding ring because he's one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive. I don't know what I would have done if I had taken my ring off... I'm not suicidal per se, I don't want to kill myself. I just want to be dead. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just know that's how I feel. I'm just trying to make it to Friday when I can go into the hospital if I need to. I need to wait until then because I have to cook on Thursday.
I'm just trying to stick it out here... I know things are going to be better tomorrow when my boss comes in and sees I did all the work she gave me when she didn't think I could get it all done. I am better than people think. I can do more than most people. I know that might sound arrogant, but if at any time I need to pump my self esteem up it's now. Geo was saying when he was holding me that I'm doing better overall, and that disability seems to be helping me get more stable. Well, he didn't say it made me more stable, but us more stable (financially) and all that.
I feel myself going through an upswing right now. Now I'm feeling good and all that wanting to die stuff is behind me. I want to go do laundry and stuff, which I might do in a couple minutes. I just ate my Greek yogurt and so I have energy. I just want to have done something today. I think I will go get the laundry together and see how I feel. Okay, laundry is in the washer... now I just have to dry it and put it all away. I hope it all washes... I filled up the laundry pretty high. I abuse the poor washers here at the apartment because I don't have the money to be doing small loads of laundry all the time. I know it's not that expensive, I'm just that broke. I go through about 4 loads a month, which is $10. I have plenty of clothes, so wearing dirty stuff isn't an issue.
Food today was good, actually! I forced myself to eat some cereal with breakfast, and I think that's what made the difference. I'm in my calorie range for everything if I just eat dinner tonight. I'm going to eat it, I know that, because Geo made his yummy chicken (it's baked fried chicken). I love it when he makes it, it just causes him to be in pain. I thought he was going to be okay, but now he's in pain and I feel guilty. I shouldn't have asked him to make it, I should have tried to make it myself. It just never comes out as good when I do it. I guess he just has the touch. Stress today was high... I felt like crap and wanted to die, I can't say that made me feel relaxed. I did have to take some klonopin in the middle of the day when the mood swings were at their worst. It did help a bit, but it's not something I want to get in the habit of doing. I need to be able to be functional at work, and taking klonopin is not something that would make me functional. Oh well. Laundry is in the dryer now, and dinner is going to be ready soon, so I'm going to go. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Replies
So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I am glad that you have good support from Geo, that is important. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you. Hang in there!