Even When I'm Up I'm Down
it is so very hard to fight pain constantly. I wish I had a time machine I would go back and kick my butt. For all the usual things over-forties would do it for. But my big one... "I wish it was physical pain that I have 'cause, that I can take." What did I reap for that? Anyone who has spent much time in Church can guess. Yeah. A big ole dose of emotional/mental AND physical pain. It hasn't let up much since. None in the past ten years.
I had a good emotional/mental day and physical was bearable. Then I finished at 8pm with a thrown out back. I need to make a potty run but I am scared to try. Will the bulge in the disc be eased off or worse? With my bad knees and hips I really don't want to end up in the floor. See where bad health lands one? I have to take pills and shots and avoid all manner of activities and products. And like a nightmare game of roulette I don't know what they are until I smell, eat, drink or move wrong.
I identify with the old guy who tells his friends he's been to the doctor and is dying. They begin to list things he should avoid or give up to help.... alcohol: no the doesn't drink, drugs, fast cars, loose women. When the answer is no to all of these they reply, . "Why live?" Of course I live because God says He is in control, and I know that my hubs and family care and I have two of the cutest granddaughters possible.
But, it is still hard. I know I have to be crazy to say this because the devil delights in tormenting us in our weak spots but I believe physical pain is easier to deal with. But, it so often leads to mental/emotional pain. Give me enough antidepressants and enough distraction and I will keep pressing on. If I forget an antidepressant dose it is awful. Hubs even asks "have you taken your pill?" He doesn't as a rule monitor any of my activity so that's significant.
Well enough for now. I gotta try to get up from bed. I sang alto in the choir so I guess that means my kindle screen is safe if I scream. Hey, a pinched nerve is at the top of my ouch list, 12+ surgeries, I have precedents.
I had a good emotional/mental day and physical was bearable. Then I finished at 8pm with a thrown out back. I need to make a potty run but I am scared to try. Will the bulge in the disc be eased off or worse? With my bad knees and hips I really don't want to end up in the floor. See where bad health lands one? I have to take pills and shots and avoid all manner of activities and products. And like a nightmare game of roulette I don't know what they are until I smell, eat, drink or move wrong.
I identify with the old guy who tells his friends he's been to the doctor and is dying. They begin to list things he should avoid or give up to help.... alcohol: no the doesn't drink, drugs, fast cars, loose women. When the answer is no to all of these they reply, . "Why live?" Of course I live because God says He is in control, and I know that my hubs and family care and I have two of the cutest granddaughters possible.
But, it is still hard. I know I have to be crazy to say this because the devil delights in tormenting us in our weak spots but I believe physical pain is easier to deal with. But, it so often leads to mental/emotional pain. Give me enough antidepressants and enough distraction and I will keep pressing on. If I forget an antidepressant dose it is awful. Hubs even asks "have you taken your pill?" He doesn't as a rule monitor any of my activity so that's significant.
Well enough for now. I gotta try to get up from bed. I sang alto in the choir so I guess that means my kindle screen is safe if I scream. Hey, a pinched nerve is at the top of my ouch list, 12+ surgeries, I have precedents.
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