Went to counseling yesterday, for I was going crazy and need to talk. I am being to hard on myself, and trying to overcome everything now. Been reminded that it isn't going to happen. You don't recover from grief in 3 months. How I know that. For if I did, to me it would mean that my marriage and my husband meant nothing. Which is far from the truth. I have a habit of drawing the cart before the horse, in addition to fabricating thoughts in the mind of the way things are going to turn out. I need to be kinder to myself, and just take each day, one moment at a time. I told my counselor that one fear I have is not wanting to go home, and my home working against my recovery. She asked why, and I said I don't know, other than my husband is not there anymore. But, it is still my home, a place where I find comfort, and I belong. Whatever starts to get on my nerves I can change it, however, you can't get rid of everything. There is always going to be a painful reminder, wherever you are, wherever you go. Do we bury our heads in the sand? I want to, but I can't. I'm a grown adult woman, who was once confident, independent and sure of herself. That woman is in there somewhere, but has never lived on her own her entire life. This I need to do for myself. Learn, adjust and grow. I don't want to be dependent on someone else, I don't want to use other people as a crutch. I don't want a boarder or a roommate. Friends can come stay, but there is a time for them to go home too. In these times and this economy, I have to remind myself that I am blessed to have a job, a roof over my head, and transportation. I am also blessed to have had the partner that God had given me. Unfortunately he was taken away far too soon. Counselor wants me to attend grief support. I am going once to feel it out. I also pray and read the bible when I can. A resident of the community has invited me to attend bible study with her two evenings a month. I am forcing myself to go. She is over indulgent in the Lord, and I hope this is not a turnoff for me. However, I believe the Lord has placed this woman in my life and perhaps I will find strength in attending. The topic is "A Woman's Heart". How appropriate.