Even Keal

Went to counseling yesterday, for I was going crazy and need to talk. I am being to hard on myself, and trying to overcome everything now.  Been reminded that it isn't going to happen.  You don't recover from grief in 3 months.  How I know that.  For if I did, to me it would mean that my marriage and my husband meant nothing.  Which is far from the truth. I have a habit of drawing the cart before the horse, in addition to fabricating thoughts in the mind of the way things are going to turn out.  I need to be kinder to myself, and just take each day, one moment at a time. I told my counselor that one fear I have is not wanting to go home, and my home working against my recovery.  She asked why, and I said I don't know, other than my husband is not there anymore.  But, it is still my home, a place where I find comfort, and I belong.  Whatever starts to get on my nerves I can change it, however, you can't get rid of everything.  There is always going to be a painful reminder, wherever you are, wherever you go.  Do we bury our heads in the sand?  I want to, but I can't.   I'm a grown adult woman, who was once confident, independent and sure of herself.  That woman is in there somewhere, but has never lived on her own her entire life.  This I need to do for myself.  Learn, adjust and grow.  I don't want to be dependent on someone else, I don't want to use other people as a crutch.  I don't want a boarder or a roommate.  Friends can come stay, but there is a time for them to go home too. In these times and this economy, I have to remind myself that I am blessed to have a job, a roof over my head, and transportation.  I am also blessed to have had the partner that God had given me.  Unfortunately he was taken away far too soon.   Counselor wants me to attend grief support.  I am going once to feel it out.  I also pray and read the bible when I can.  A resident of the community has invited me to attend bible study with her two evenings a month.  I am forcing myself to go.  She is over indulgent in the Lord, and I hope this is not a turnoff for me.  However, I believe the Lord has placed this woman in my life and perhaps I will find strength in attending.  The topic is "A Woman's Heart".  How appropriate.