Even if he has a glimmer.. I'm not there. This was too much.

You do realize you, and your refusal to really accept me and let me in, and your emotional distance and hurting me is at least half of those dark times? The other being the rest of the world. The biggest thing I'm not sure I can live with you is you lied to me again. You hid it, you said one thing, and the reality was another. You ask me to not make you the bad guy, I'm not classifying anything. I see what I see and when something is wrong I've needed to work on saying it. This thing with Joanna is not just some innocent thoughts put in a journal. It's also want, emotion, action. It is 100% wrong, and acting like it's not really has me questioning you. You didn't close the door on her when you knew that was expected and that I was also expected to do that and you hid it. I don't even know right now that I'm going to be able to get past it. You've set me back an entire year by lying to me this particular way, and all the other little ways I've seen along the way. If you had said something in March, talked to me when I asked you to about you not being there, or any other dozen times, we wouldn't be here. I've always taken my fair share of the blame. I may not always express it, but it's there and if you were having a fair conversation with me, and not trying to hurt me, it would be there. I appreciate that you say it's not easy to say that. Your view of me, and what I am doing, and my motivations is very skewed, especially the part about being volatile. If we were doing what we were supposed to do after Jan, we would be asking what was going on, and find out the reality. We would be building love and appreciation instead of me feeling like I was a one man show having to insert myself. The bottom doesn't just drop out, there are a lot of acts, lots of hurts that I try to bear that precede it and I'm just gotten really good and making life go on, for the kids mainly while I am quite literally dying inside. I also see what I've done as monumental, not minimal as I hold back the bad stuff and make small steps forward. I think you really are going to have to be willing to see that, believe it, to see what I really go through, to understand what that means. I need that to be able to feel like I can see you again. Holding my ground got me out of my marriage. It also made me stay with you. It also allows me to do the inhuman feats of my day in dealing with you, and then Lydia, and then the school, and then work, and so on. It also protects me some from you abusing me and taking advantage of me just accepting your side of the story as I did for 6 years. It also keeps me from flipping out each time. I didn't say being with me would be easy, in fact I told you it wasn't, I said I needed help, that I needed you stable, that it wasn't worth trying to come out unless you were there for real. That is deep hard shit. I really wish in those moments you could think of all the good things that I've done, or try to really understand what's behind it when I'm able to talk, make a safe environment to talk. Also, there are the times when I held on as you screamed at me. How long I was the problem and how that never ended and I still get blame for things that no longer even apply. Plus, in those moments, I don't expect anything more than to be there and to keep it a safe environment, not using it against me. Like having conversation with Lydia Monday night. You've got to understand that this is no where close to fulfilling for me either. It's not what I want. I keep trying, and each time I think there is headway, we get knocked down. It's not a healthy relationship. You have to be on board to make it a healthy one with me, not secretly wishing you were with her. Do you remember years ago everything I went through to say you had to try everything with her to avoid that resentment you'll feel against me when the effect of the divorce happens? It really wasn't a picnic telling the man I loved to try to be happy with someone else for a long time. The 'nice' conversations are where it starts. In fact, most nights, having real conversation and touching base mentally and emotionally is a good way to start. Showing appreciation and welcoming and letting in, that is another part. That starts at least something we can build on so that we can 'change the narrative' and eventually let go. That article I sent was a good one. Until we feel like we are worth anything, appreciated, wanted for ourselves, sex isn't going to happen, not like it's wanted. We've been so deeply wounded that it's not going to happen overnight, and the sex thing, trying to make it happen like that, or worse happen exactly the way you want it or nothing at all, only wounds deeper and makes it harder to climb out. Three times now I was willing and wanting and I was rejected by you just in this last week. So if it interacts, the goal is pull back, look at it, and have a real conversation about stopping the cycle, and then following through, not running and looking for an escape hatch.