Eve of Destruction
Dearest,
A great wave of sadness descended on me last night. It was like a huge black cloud that just lowered from the night sky and devoured me. I don't know why, so many factors. Sindhu called and asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. A last minute invitation that wasn't really an invitation at all, she must have felt guilty. I was reading posts from others who were moving on, building new relationships, starting new lives. I don't want to move on, I want what I had, I want what was. I don't care if it's unreasonable, I've always been unreasonable. I realized that all of our friends were couples and mostly younger than us. They've scattered like the leaves. My head hurts, I don't want to think. My stomach hurts, I don't want to eat. My sinuses are killing me, I don't want to cry. The house is cold, not by the thermostat, it's the normal temperature, but it feels cold to me. I just want to go back to normal but I've lost my way. I can't find my way back. I'm having a terrible time trying to type tonight. I think I'll just go to bed.
Till we meet again, Your Ken
A great wave of sadness descended on me last night. It was like a huge black cloud that just lowered from the night sky and devoured me. I don't know why, so many factors. Sindhu called and asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. A last minute invitation that wasn't really an invitation at all, she must have felt guilty. I was reading posts from others who were moving on, building new relationships, starting new lives. I don't want to move on, I want what I had, I want what was. I don't care if it's unreasonable, I've always been unreasonable. I realized that all of our friends were couples and mostly younger than us. They've scattered like the leaves. My head hurts, I don't want to think. My stomach hurts, I don't want to eat. My sinuses are killing me, I don't want to cry. The house is cold, not by the thermostat, it's the normal temperature, but it feels cold to me. I just want to go back to normal but I've lost my way. I can't find my way back. I'm having a terrible time trying to type tonight. I think I'll just go to bed.
Till we meet again, Your Ken
Replies
Don\'t be hard on yourself. You are not even at two months yet. Everything you are feeling \"is\" normal. Time.....and only lots of it......will ease the grief but there is just no way to short circuit the process. Even for those who have moved on in some fashion and for those of us who have not.......we all still want back the ones that are gone and the lives we had with them. We are all just coping in the best way we know how and you, my friend, are right where all of us were at the almost two month mark in the journey. Hang in there......it does become easier.
Dianne
Ken,
I know the feelings your are having. Even in the summer months our house felt cold because the warmth of my heart had passed on to be with the Heavenly Father. It has been 8 1/2 months for me and I still want dearly what I had but I am slowly remembering that what I had is still locked in my heart even though there are some days that that is not enough it is what I have and will have for ther rest of my time here.
Peace to You,
Dave
Ken,
I know just how you feel. I\'m sorry - I guess no one should ever say that. But here on DS - we DO know what each other are going through. I read the stories about others moving on, finding new people and I\'m happy for them. For me? I am in love with one man. The man of my dreams. My husband. Unless he walks in the door right now I can\'t imagine having a man in my life. He is, and he always will be the man for me.
I\'m just at 3 months... perhaps time will change me. We don\'t know what the future holds (isn\'t that the truth?)... right now we need to be gentle and kind to ourselves. To hold ourselves in our broken hearts. I think grief is like a broken bone. Slowly, the bone begins to mend. Perhaps we use crutches. then we limp. Maybe wear a bandage for a while... then one day we find we are taking a few baby steps. Maybe down the road we are walking... and who knows? Perhaps eventually we will go for a jog.
All I know right now is I am broken and a long, long way to any type of healing.
But at least we have DS, right?
Blessings,
Linda
Hey Ken, You are among friends that know exactly what\'s going on with you. I\'m one of those that has \"moved on\", but it by no means involves forgetting. My new love left this morning and I was losing it in under 1/2 an hour. Missing both the one I lost and the one that just left. It\'s messy. There is still tons of stuff to deal with, and it seems to hurt the instant I think about it. Plus I have to integrate my old and new lives. Hang in there and ask for help when you need it. There\'s lots of us that will do what we can. Chris
Hi Ken. I have been following your walk through your grief with great interest and empathy. Your story is much like my own. As one of those who has been blessed with a new opportunity to love and be loved, I just wanted to offer you my friendship and to share a video clip from the late Rich Mullins. When I first viewed it, it really helped my spirit. My wish is that it may do the same for you.....Joe.. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy89KTQkcQQ
Dear Ken, You are so new to this journey that your feelings are completely normal. Everyone has to deal with this at their own pace. Don\'t feel too bad for crying and feeling that you have lost everything, At this point you have lost everything that mattered to you. Some day at some point you will come out of the misery and hopefully will find something to help you feel better. It will take time so don\'t rush it. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I don\'t know what that would be as we all have to find our own way on this journey. Your Abby sounds like a fantastic woman and you must have been blessed to have her in your life. Hugs Diane
Don\'t feel like you need to hurry up and get over this and move on. I remember thinking the same thoughts in those early months - reading the journal entries, everyone else was moving on and starting new lives. I couldn\'t understand why I didn\'t even feel close to doing that. Now, I realize it only seems that way. In a sense, we do move on but I think mostly we just move on externally. Inside, it seems even those who are years ahead of us are still struggling to fill that void that is truly impossible to ever fill. I am only at 9 months now and know I still have a long way to go, but I never thought I would be where I am now. Around 3 months, I seemed to take a giant slide backwards. I was in the dumps for days and days and thought I would be stuck in that pit forever. Then, things gradually improved and it seemed a real turning point occurred almost over night. I began to laugh more and could actually see a brighter tomorrow. I still have bad days of course, but they are getting better, shorter, and farther apart. Just ride it out and do the best you can...