Estranged Daughter
I want to thank all my DS friends for their support when I write my journals. It means alot and your compassion and encouragement is priceless to me.
I want to answer some questions some of you have had re:my estranged daughter.
There are no plans to search for her. I feel it is Gods will and my choice to honor her right to choose. She can easily find me but wrote a short letter to me and also her divorced Dad that she was"taking a break from the family". She was 19 at the time, now is 36.
After the first 4 years we searched for her. One time at a public event she told me to get away
from her. Later I called an apt we found she was sharing with another girl . I called and she tried to pretend it wasn't her. I left a message on a machine later. My ex-husband asked his mom (her grandmother) to call .(They were her closest relative). Betty got the roommate left a message and my daughter called her back. They spoke for 10 minutes and Betty reported she sounded fine, was finishing high school and working p/t . Betty had raised 5 children and she is not a rescuer. She felt no need to pressure my daughter into contact she clearly did not want.
I also found her name on the Internet as a volunteer for our large Film Festival. Also,her name was listed at the University (either as staff, or volunteer) of a Mature Students group. Her name has disappeared from Internet searches about 8 years; she probably changed it.
After she left that apt there has been no listing for her. She contacted an old friend of ours at one point and asked to be driven outside of the city to visit my stepfather. This news warmed me greatly, but she wanted no contact with me, her dad's or her dad's parents.
Age 16-19 - My daughter had one crisis after another. It was a confusing time, overwhelming. She had a suicide attempt,reported me to Children's Aid, they investigated me, taken out of my home to her grandparents for 4 months, lived with her father, lived in group homes, tried a few inner city schools, said she had schizophrenia, was admitted to an adult mental institution. At one point her father and I were rushed (with my daughter) in front of cameras there to VIDEOTAPE AN INTERVIEW with students looking behind a glass 2 waymirror. It was aggressive and humiliating!
The only people available to chase her during these years was myself, my partner, and her Dad (who was not very responsible). My family had all passed and her fathers were out of town anyway. It's very easy for people to say-you should have done such and such....
I dealt with each situation as best I could and had support from close friends and community groups.
I never had a conversation with her about her complaints. Every time she was somewhat stable, she visited me or I went out briefly with her. There was some minimal contact with friends and relatives, but we were all nervous to pry and she seemed ok.
WHEN A PARENT IS ON WELFARE AND A TEEN CHILD LEAVES, THE PARENT CANNOT KEEP A 2 BEDROOM APT WAITING FOR THE CHILD. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY. She knew she could not move back with me, nor wanted to. One day on the phone when she was somewhat stable, we chatted amicably and I told her that having cfs for15 years, I was not sure I would be able to take care of myself in the future(meaning that I would have to get assisted living)
Can you imagine how I felt telling that to my child,who was now living on her own and me with no job prospects or money to welcome her back to?
I just started realizing only ONE YEAR AGO that I could not really process what happened until now. I was so busy trying to survive, finishing university, looking for a job, very ill,etc.. I realize now that 10 years after she left God provided my husband and we got married. I wrote one last letter to her (the apt we knew about) explaining many emotions and asking her to contact me. After that I must have just tried to accept it. THE GRIEF AND REALITY HAS ONLY BEEN HITTING ME OVER THE LAST YEAR. I slowly started some counseling to discuss what happened. I barely touched on what I could remember. It will be a long road......grief counseling, dealing with all the emotions, issues, poverty, welfare, mothers guilt, unemployment, chronic illness,teen runaways, mental illnesses . I am starting to deal with some of it, but is very painful and slow. I FOUND ONE INTERNET ARTICLE THAT SAID IT IS BECOMING MUCH MORE COMMON THAT TEENS LEAVE FAMILIES FOREVER DUE TO A CLIMATE OF KIDS RIGHTS, ETC..
so,there you have it. I don't know what else to say, maybe I should not mention her until I've dealt with all the memories and issues, it has been more upsetting than I realized. I hope you are all doing ok and again Thankyou for your support and listening ear.
I want to answer some questions some of you have had re:my estranged daughter.
There are no plans to search for her. I feel it is Gods will and my choice to honor her right to choose. She can easily find me but wrote a short letter to me and also her divorced Dad that she was"taking a break from the family". She was 19 at the time, now is 36.
After the first 4 years we searched for her. One time at a public event she told me to get away
from her. Later I called an apt we found she was sharing with another girl . I called and she tried to pretend it wasn't her. I left a message on a machine later. My ex-husband asked his mom (her grandmother) to call .(They were her closest relative). Betty got the roommate left a message and my daughter called her back. They spoke for 10 minutes and Betty reported she sounded fine, was finishing high school and working p/t . Betty had raised 5 children and she is not a rescuer. She felt no need to pressure my daughter into contact she clearly did not want.
I also found her name on the Internet as a volunteer for our large Film Festival. Also,her name was listed at the University (either as staff, or volunteer) of a Mature Students group. Her name has disappeared from Internet searches about 8 years; she probably changed it.
After she left that apt there has been no listing for her. She contacted an old friend of ours at one point and asked to be driven outside of the city to visit my stepfather. This news warmed me greatly, but she wanted no contact with me, her dad's or her dad's parents.
Age 16-19 - My daughter had one crisis after another. It was a confusing time, overwhelming. She had a suicide attempt,reported me to Children's Aid, they investigated me, taken out of my home to her grandparents for 4 months, lived with her father, lived in group homes, tried a few inner city schools, said she had schizophrenia, was admitted to an adult mental institution. At one point her father and I were rushed (with my daughter) in front of cameras there to VIDEOTAPE AN INTERVIEW with students looking behind a glass 2 waymirror. It was aggressive and humiliating!
The only people available to chase her during these years was myself, my partner, and her Dad (who was not very responsible). My family had all passed and her fathers were out of town anyway. It's very easy for people to say-you should have done such and such....
I dealt with each situation as best I could and had support from close friends and community groups.
I never had a conversation with her about her complaints. Every time she was somewhat stable, she visited me or I went out briefly with her. There was some minimal contact with friends and relatives, but we were all nervous to pry and she seemed ok.
WHEN A PARENT IS ON WELFARE AND A TEEN CHILD LEAVES, THE PARENT CANNOT KEEP A 2 BEDROOM APT WAITING FOR THE CHILD. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY. She knew she could not move back with me, nor wanted to. One day on the phone when she was somewhat stable, we chatted amicably and I told her that having cfs for15 years, I was not sure I would be able to take care of myself in the future(meaning that I would have to get assisted living)
Can you imagine how I felt telling that to my child,who was now living on her own and me with no job prospects or money to welcome her back to?
I just started realizing only ONE YEAR AGO that I could not really process what happened until now. I was so busy trying to survive, finishing university, looking for a job, very ill,etc.. I realize now that 10 years after she left God provided my husband and we got married. I wrote one last letter to her (the apt we knew about) explaining many emotions and asking her to contact me. After that I must have just tried to accept it. THE GRIEF AND REALITY HAS ONLY BEEN HITTING ME OVER THE LAST YEAR. I slowly started some counseling to discuss what happened. I barely touched on what I could remember. It will be a long road......grief counseling, dealing with all the emotions, issues, poverty, welfare, mothers guilt, unemployment, chronic illness,teen runaways, mental illnesses . I am starting to deal with some of it, but is very painful and slow. I FOUND ONE INTERNET ARTICLE THAT SAID IT IS BECOMING MUCH MORE COMMON THAT TEENS LEAVE FAMILIES FOREVER DUE TO A CLIMATE OF KIDS RIGHTS, ETC..
so,there you have it. I don't know what else to say, maybe I should not mention her until I've dealt with all the memories and issues, it has been more upsetting than I realized. I hope you are all doing ok and again Thankyou for your support and listening ear.
Replies
Oh sweetie! What a nightmare. Listen...you are not at fault for one thing here! I don\'t think your daughter thinks you are at fault!! Seriously! If she left, and has mental instability issues, she is best left to her own devices.
God, in His infinite wisdom knows whether you two should be living together or not. He gave you a partner! Amen to that, after what you had been through on your own. Your daughter is surviving. Doing the best she can. YOU did the best you could. There is no room, nor any reason for blame here. Neither one of you was in control of all the things leading up to her departure.
I believe that you have done the right thing, by letting her go. She\'s an adult!! She has her own issues, you are chronically ill. Not a good set-up for a reunion.
I raised a daughter by myself. She has lupus and is bi-polar. She doesn\'t live with me, she has a fiance, but we are in constant contact. Dealing with each other is difficult!! As I said before......me with a chronic illness, and her being bi-polar....there is a lot of miscommunication and our relationship would surely be ruined if we were forced to co-exist. I pray it never comes to that.
Counseling is a wonderful thing. God is a wonderful Father. Leave it to Him. If it\'s in His plan, your daughter and you will meet again. And it will be pleasant. Until you feel so led......I do agree with you that the situation is best left untouched.
No guilt!!! None......you did the best you could. GOOD FOR YOU! xo
I cannot tell you what your words mean to me! Thankyou Darla, it has been so sad, painful and devastating to act normal while everyone talks about their children, etc..Children on TV, etc... I have been carrying all that pain and anger. It is just now starting to come out. Thankyou.
So sorry dear pouty for all the heart pain you have been through . It\'s not an easy thing to deal with.Things just happen in life that are out of our control.Go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself.Hugs, Di xo
Pouty, Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share such painful details about your daughter with us. Like Darla, I have regular contact with my adult daughters, and we do have a stable relationship. But, I have had issues with one of them, who has a lot of anger about problems she had with her dad and I growing up - most of which I wasn\'t aware even bothered her. I have a DS friend who has been a very good listening ear for me with that situation. I say this to let you know we all struggle with so many things in this life apart from our illness, and it is such a blessing that our friends on DS can support us in so many ways. It sounds like you had a lot of very difficult years, and losing contact with your daughter is the worst of all, I\'m sure. I hope your counselor can help you through these tough times as you face your past.
Thankyou for your kind remarks. I think I was led to write this journal at the right time, and also because I know my DS friends would understand and support me. I am very grateful.