escape

today i woke up exhausted, im to the point where i can barely sleep anymore and when i can im up constantly trying to get back to sleep, tossing and turning all night long. i cant take this stress much more, im so depressed and down lately, trying to put on a good show but i think the show is whats wearing me out. He has no idea that i want out and that am planning to leave soon, i gave myself a deadline of october 1st just because i can't take it anymore. I'm thinking i will never have that courage or strength to leave so i think its just something i will have to do and deal with the fall out later but i know i need to do it because it just feels like im dying inside. along with all the health problems that have come with this im just in a hole, wanting to escape this hell i live in and he's even been good lately with only little bursts of anger and i still can't stand him. I'm never going to be happy as long as i am with him, ive come to that conclusion. I know im rambling but this is how my head works right now, constand obsession with get the hell out of here, i can barely stand to even talk to him, everything he does just irritates me and i am on constant guard waiting for him to get pissed about something, its exhausting to say the least. i have to get through this for my sons sake, he deserves a happy and healthy mom and that is not what he has right now and he deserves to live in a home free from this crap of walking on eggshells around his own father, none of this is fair!