Epiphany
As I get closer to telling the kids about our upcoming separation my emotions and anxiety are up and down. Trying to stay strong. We saw our joint therapist last week it was very productive. I was able to keep the session focused on the kids...what we are going to say, how we are going to say it, and the schedule that we are trying to work out. What is very frustrating is that this separation is something she wants but I have been the one that wrote a script of what to say to the kids, figured out the budget to support her apartment for a year, figured out the 2-week schedule that we are going to try to make work, and all the other logistics. I was very emotional during the session. Our therapist asked how we were going to broach the subject. My stbx hadn't thought about it. I had thought about it a lot and explained what I thought would happen. Then she asked my stbx if she would start off the conversation to which my stbx replied "Oh I don't...mmm...ahh...ummmm...I don't think..." I then said that I would be handling this (my stbx chickened out when we told a couple that we are very close to). Our therapist asked that I read through the script (she already reviewed it ahead of time). I did and it was hard to get through (needed a couple of tissues) but it was helpful to really confront the reality of what is and will be happening. My stbx did not get emotional until she started talking about setting up the apartment. I refused to help with the apartment. I'm paying for it, but I'm not helping. Therapist asked how my stbx felt and she actually said she felt abandoned. Really?!? I stayed quiet. She was saying that she started crying because she was dragging furniture all by herself up to her 3rd floor apartment (no elevators...good planning).
This is going to take a bit, but the epiphany is coming. I said that I feel like I've helped out in other ways. Usually I take off work the morning of our sessions. I don't have to leave as early so I tell the kids that I have a meeting in another office and I get to leave later. On this particular day, I was just going to go at my normal time to look like I was going to work. As I was getting ready to leave my stbx said "Oh your leaving. So I have to make up another excuse to tell the kids." I said tell them you have some last minute Christmas shopping to do. She said "they know I'm done with Christmas errands." (Granted, she had no problem making up excuses when she is cheating on me and sees her boyfriend, but whatever). So I decided to stay home, take care of the kids, and leave later. I brought this up as an example of helping out. She didn't think I was helping. Our therapist called her out and asked her if she conveyed to me what would help her in that moment. She hadn't. Our therapist stresses "I Language" which is "I am feeling X and I would like Y." Such as "I am feeling sad and I could use a hug." There is no guarantee that the other person will do Y but at least the feeling and need is being conveyed simply and concisely. I have been doing this since day 1 but my stbx has never really used this technique.
I gave another example. A couple of weekends ago, my stbx needed to make a couple of posters for the high school PTA. My son was going to do the posters so he could get some community hours credit. That morning my stbx was going to her mom's (2 hours away) to pick up some stuff for her apartment. She was stressing out that the posters were going to take too long and she wanted to get going to her mom's. I sat there reading the paper initially because I'm not on the PTA, not my responsibility, and this situation is occurring because my stbx wants this separation otherwise she would have been home. Once she started flipping out on my son, then I stepped in and said "We got this. We'll do the posters. You can get what you need done." She left in a huff. I calmly helped my son measure everything out, how many rows, how tall the letters could be and he knocked it out in a couple of hours. I asked my stbx during the session if that was helpful. She said that I just sat there and read the paper. I said yes, but I did step in and helped...was that not helpful. Again our therapist stepped in and asked if she clearly conveyed to me what would have been helpful at that moment. She expected that I could see what was happening and do what she needed. Therapist said that she can't expect me to read her mind to figure out what is helpful to her. It is not fair to expect me to know exactly what she needs because what I think may be helpful is not helpful to her.
That's when the epiphany came. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO READ HER MIND FOR OVER 18 YEARS!!!! Holy shit...it hit me like a ton of bricks. She has never really clearly conveyed anything...ever. I couldn't hear anything else at that point. It was like at the end of the Sixth Sense (SPOLER ALERT) when Bruce Willis figures out he is dead and all those clues in the movie start fitting into place and then the look on his face when he comes to this realization. I kept it to myself and just let it sink in. Holy shit. Then I started thinking...what is happening at the end of this session is now really marriage counseling but it is way too late for that to help now. As painful as his whole process has been and will be, maybe it is turning into a blessing in disguise.
This is going to take a bit, but the epiphany is coming. I said that I feel like I've helped out in other ways. Usually I take off work the morning of our sessions. I don't have to leave as early so I tell the kids that I have a meeting in another office and I get to leave later. On this particular day, I was just going to go at my normal time to look like I was going to work. As I was getting ready to leave my stbx said "Oh your leaving. So I have to make up another excuse to tell the kids." I said tell them you have some last minute Christmas shopping to do. She said "they know I'm done with Christmas errands." (Granted, she had no problem making up excuses when she is cheating on me and sees her boyfriend, but whatever). So I decided to stay home, take care of the kids, and leave later. I brought this up as an example of helping out. She didn't think I was helping. Our therapist called her out and asked her if she conveyed to me what would help her in that moment. She hadn't. Our therapist stresses "I Language" which is "I am feeling X and I would like Y." Such as "I am feeling sad and I could use a hug." There is no guarantee that the other person will do Y but at least the feeling and need is being conveyed simply and concisely. I have been doing this since day 1 but my stbx has never really used this technique.
I gave another example. A couple of weekends ago, my stbx needed to make a couple of posters for the high school PTA. My son was going to do the posters so he could get some community hours credit. That morning my stbx was going to her mom's (2 hours away) to pick up some stuff for her apartment. She was stressing out that the posters were going to take too long and she wanted to get going to her mom's. I sat there reading the paper initially because I'm not on the PTA, not my responsibility, and this situation is occurring because my stbx wants this separation otherwise she would have been home. Once she started flipping out on my son, then I stepped in and said "We got this. We'll do the posters. You can get what you need done." She left in a huff. I calmly helped my son measure everything out, how many rows, how tall the letters could be and he knocked it out in a couple of hours. I asked my stbx during the session if that was helpful. She said that I just sat there and read the paper. I said yes, but I did step in and helped...was that not helpful. Again our therapist stepped in and asked if she clearly conveyed to me what would have been helpful at that moment. She expected that I could see what was happening and do what she needed. Therapist said that she can't expect me to read her mind to figure out what is helpful to her. It is not fair to expect me to know exactly what she needs because what I think may be helpful is not helpful to her.
That's when the epiphany came. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO READ HER MIND FOR OVER 18 YEARS!!!! Holy shit...it hit me like a ton of bricks. She has never really clearly conveyed anything...ever. I couldn't hear anything else at that point. It was like at the end of the Sixth Sense (SPOLER ALERT) when Bruce Willis figures out he is dead and all those clues in the movie start fitting into place and then the look on his face when he comes to this realization. I kept it to myself and just let it sink in. Holy shit. Then I started thinking...what is happening at the end of this session is now really marriage counseling but it is way too late for that to help now. As painful as his whole process has been and will be, maybe it is turning into a blessing in disguise.
Replies
Yeah exactly if you guys are divorcing this whole therapy thing seems pointless? Talking about what\'s helpful and stuff I don\'t get at this point? I would try and go as no contact as you can. And if she\'s cheating why are you supporting her apartment?
As long as you are learning from the therapy sessions they are good for you. You are keeping the sessions focused as much as possible on your children. Once she moves out, the children know then you need to do some counseling just for you and family counseling if your children are having problems.
Divorce Care would be a great group for you to attend. They are usually held at one of your local churches and I found it to be very helpful. There is Divorce Care for children if the area you live in is large enough to support a group for kids.
kbbcoop77...when we finally got to the point where I suggested separating I told her I was not going to move out. This threw her a curveball. Since I\'m in a no-fault divorce state, I wanted her to feel comfortable enough to leave. I did not want to leave my house nor did I want to be the one the kids see leaving. I discussed this with a lawyer and my accountant/planner. Lawyer thought it was a good idea because if she wanted to take this to court, it wouldn\'t take much to convince a judge that I should move out since she is the mother and has been the primary care giver. I agreed to support the apartment for a year because she started having second thoughts since she has no savings, a friend was telling her that I could use her leaving as abandonment, and other issues. Plus I\'m trying to make this as comfortable as possible for my kids.
I do go NC as much as I can (no more texts about daily activities, phone calls during the day) but it is hard when she still lives in the house. That will all change after the first of the year when she is out.
The joint therapy is actually helpful because it seems it is the only time that we really talk. Everything is still relatively pleasant at home. She does not like to broach the subject even if I ask her questions. I don\'t think that our therapist is looking at what could be helpful but from a larger picture of what is her problem with communicating and expressing herself. At the end of the last session, our therapist basically said to her that this has been her problem for probably most of her life...that she can\'t seem to communicate and clearly state what she wants. It also helps me figure out what has happened and how I\'m going to handle future problems.
Plus it is worth hearing her say that \"she feels abandoned.\" That was priceless. It was all I could do to not roll of the couch and laugh my ass off. It helps see how screwed up she is and how I\'m probably going to be better off without her.
Oh I see, that\'s great for you then! And I can imagine her saying she feels abandoned, that sounds like my cheating ex wife big time. The last time I had a text convo with her she insisted I need to accept responsibility for HER CHEATING. Ugh, I went ballistic then implemented No Contact I can\'t talk to her anymore without wanting to hang myself lol. Good luck to you and your kids.
Thanks...there was a method to the madness mixed in with all the craziness and insanity. Another wonderful thing she said was that I was a saver and she felt I was holding back spending money on things. I told her that was crazy talk. I consider myself good with money and planning for the future. You have to save something (pay yourself first) before spending on other things. My parents were never in a position to have any savings and I vowed never to be in that situation. So I have the kids college already planned, on the way to a good retirement plan (well...was a good retirement plan), and just other investments to help with emergencies along the way. That\'s what a responsible father/husband does. Although I hadn\'t planned on using savings to support two households. I said that the savings was for vacations and things that we could do as a family. When we wanted to go to Disney, we went to Disney...no question. When we wanted to go away for a summer vacation...we went away for a summer vacation.
All this other stuff she brings up to deflect from her cheating is just blowing smoke. It\'s frustrating but just trying to get to the point that she is out of here.