Epiphany..
It was late January 1977; a cold, gloomy winter evening - growing up in the Northeast region (Jersey) that I heard the news & read the news paper that one of my favorite actors at the time, Freddie Prinz, committed suicide..I didn't know exactly what that meant; just that he was abruptly dead and gone from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head..My dad explained, with the sensitivity that a 10yr old could comprehend, what happened - I immediately had my first epiphany - a match was lit - that I would also fabricate my own demise..At that age, I started experiencing immense loneliness & isolation; and the seeds low self-esteem, worthlessness, and constantly comparing myself to others were planted - setting the stage for many moments of dejection, despondency, and distress..little did this 10yr old know (or understand) that his little mind would grow to become an all out battle ground between self-preservation and self-destruction; self-loathing vs self-love; good vs evil;..life vs death..
Fast forward to present..that epiphany still resides within me after 35yr; now that match has become a forest fire burning inside me beyond control..it is no longer a matter of if - but when..
My first attempt (last March 2012) merely a dry-run, a scrimmage - for an ultimate show-down with the prince of darkness..the only thing now is he an ally or my adversary; am I escaping hell or fleeing into it..
Fast forward to present..that epiphany still resides within me after 35yr; now that match has become a forest fire burning inside me beyond control..it is no longer a matter of if - but when..
My first attempt (last March 2012) merely a dry-run, a scrimmage - for an ultimate show-down with the prince of darkness..the only thing now is he an ally or my adversary; am I escaping hell or fleeing into it..
Replies
I\'ve been sad a long time too mal. Since I was probably 10 or 11. My self-esteem was low. I was bullied. I didn\'t have many friends. This course maintained all through high school. I had many suicidal thoughts. When I was sixteen - in the spring - my biological father, whom I\'d never met - committed suicide. I was just getting to the age where I was thinking I might want to find him. Turns out, he was less than half-an-hour away. My stepdad (actually he adopted me - does that still make him my step?) - he didn\'t want me to go to the funeral. He felt betrayed and angry. But he was always angry. Bipolar and moody. Verbally abusive. I had to go to that funeral. I had to see this man.
I\'ve carried that weight for a long time. Even convinced that I would meet the same fate. I mean, it seemed destined. Me having had suicidal thoughts off and on throughout my life. My father taking his own life. My mother obviously suffering from depression and anxiety succumbed to cancer at the early age of 48. I was 30, I took care of her doing that last few months. I saw her deteriorate. I saw her give up on life. For her this was an escape, from the abusive husband, the pain of her disability that had robbed her of her nursing career. In a sense, it was a suicide of sorts. More fuel for my fire. And it\'s been burning out of control since my marriage has disintegrated. So I know how you feel. How inescapable it feels.
But there\'s always a choice. Nothing is destined. We may fuel our own self-fulfilling prophecy - but it is through our actions and our choices that we do so. This is beatable - it\'s really fucking tough. Takes patience and a conscious willingness to let go of those haunting demons. But it\'s possible. And it\'s a choice - there\'s always a choice. It may include actions that are fearful, uncomfortable, embarrassing or seemingly impossible. But the choice is always there.
Hang in there mal. Look for support wherever you can find it. Talk to a therapist. Call a crisis hotline. Seek out your local mental health community. There\'s always someone willing to help. And remember that you\'re not alone. Hundreds of thousands of us float in and out of these fogs daily. Wondering if this is it. Is it time? It\'s a choice many of us face.
My friend. The decisions a child and/or a young adult makes can be good and can be tragically bad. My choice to \"not communicate\" my feelings at a young age and my inability to do so with seemingly obtuse parents affect me to this day.
That is the scary thing about suicide--how can we know it will improve our situation? I hope you choose life for your child\'s sake.
You know how I feel about this. ... I have fears that the afterlife/afterwhatever..... may not be a relief. I hear you.
your words sound a lot like I was during childhood. Many of our disorders/disease surface as a child. They seem to only become worse for some of us.
Please hang in there like you asked of me!
If you\'d like to chat sometime just let me know!
You are a great friend and cared about by many!
(((HUGS)))
Sending you big huggs. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxoxo