Entry 1: 9/28/10
I'm not sure what I want to write here. I dont know who will see it, not that it matters. Everyone who knows me knows basically what is going on in my life.
I joined this site to have people who might understand and offer some kind words. I dont know who long I will have online, so it will be hard to make any friends knowing that soon I will be moving out of my friends place and into my own apt.
That is anxiety number one right now. I am 36 years old and never lived on my own. I lived at home with my mom until I moved to TX (I was in PA) 2003. I moved there to be with, who I thought, the love of my life.
Now I'm on my own for the first time. The thing that scares me most is it just isn't me. I have a 3 year old son who is depending on me to not mess up... but that is what I do best.
I have so much anxiety over that little boy. Everyone tells me when I get all depressed about how my life has turned out that I should just focus on James. While he is the bright spot of my life, it doesnt really help me feel better because that little boy deserves SO much better than all of this. And so much better than what he is going to grow up with. It breaks my heart knowing he will have the same kind of life I had growing... poor, no money, no vacations...
I just feel myself sinking so fast right now. I know James see how unhappy I am right now and that adds more anxiety because I dont want to affect him.
The anxiety just never seems to end.
I dont think I did good with my goal today lol.
-- Tara
I joined this site to have people who might understand and offer some kind words. I dont know who long I will have online, so it will be hard to make any friends knowing that soon I will be moving out of my friends place and into my own apt.
That is anxiety number one right now. I am 36 years old and never lived on my own. I lived at home with my mom until I moved to TX (I was in PA) 2003. I moved there to be with, who I thought, the love of my life.
Now I'm on my own for the first time. The thing that scares me most is it just isn't me. I have a 3 year old son who is depending on me to not mess up... but that is what I do best.
I have so much anxiety over that little boy. Everyone tells me when I get all depressed about how my life has turned out that I should just focus on James. While he is the bright spot of my life, it doesnt really help me feel better because that little boy deserves SO much better than all of this. And so much better than what he is going to grow up with. It breaks my heart knowing he will have the same kind of life I had growing... poor, no money, no vacations...
I just feel myself sinking so fast right now. I know James see how unhappy I am right now and that adds more anxiety because I dont want to affect him.
The anxiety just never seems to end.
I dont think I did good with my goal today lol.
-- Tara
Replies
Tara, I am the child of parents who divorced when I was 4.5 years old. My mom, my two younger brothers and I lived in a small 2 bedroom attic apartment. My father took his money and girlfriend and bought a nice 3 bedroom house in the subburbs. It was hardest on my mom. Like you she only wanted to give her kids the best. Thankfully she was very creative. Once a year we barrowed my grandpa\'s car and went to the closest campgrounds for a weekend. My brothers and I still talk about the fun we had. We would make crafts with things we found in the woods. We told stories and made smores. It gave me a love and appreciation for the outdoors as well as for my family. I am so proud of her. I know that in my life I can overcome anything. It was not simple to let go of the dream she had for her married life, but she made a commitment to herself and her children to be a family. We have had our troubles, but troubles don\'t last. My love for my family is everlasting. Please know that there are people like me, who don\'t have to know you to be cheering for you. I believe that there are better days ahead.
-Sophiagrey
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Thank you for reading and for responding :)
On good days I know you are 100% right but it is so easy to fall into a cycle of worrying and anxiety!