Enough is Enough....
It never seems to fail. Any month that I think there might be a glimmer of hope of us getting our BFP- my hopes are dashed early due to some kind of stressor going on in my life. My body doesn't work right when life is good and relaxing- so I know that my body isn't going to work when I am stressed out to the max. I am currently at wits end to say the least. On a good note, our foster to adoption is going well- we were notified that we get to keep our ever so sweet initial caseworker for the long haul- which is so very exciting as she has been great. We also found out that our home study report is done and in the supervisor's hands! Yeah! Our caseworker comes out next Monday to give us our liscense and the official "wait" begins for a phone call. I am SO happy that things have gone smoothly thus far and we are finally almost there! I just pray that the wait for a phone call is short and that our first placement may indeed be a "forever" placement.
Although we are going down the foster/adoption route- we have not stopped trying to conceive our own baby. We have been given a 3% shot of conceiving on our own- so we figure that a miracle may happen and every month I still have hope. I realized last month that I still had 2 refills of Clomid before July- so I decided to fill them and give it a go this month and next month with Clomid and good ol' baby dancing! We have nothing to lose we figure except the $18 that the prescriptions cost. DH and I were excited about us doing SOMETHING at least. The school year ended last week and I was stressed to the max- which didn't make for fun BD'ing- I was bummed. But when I woke up Saturday morning after closing the classroom door for the summer- I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders! I was so happy and realized that this summer can be focused on preparing for God's plans for our lives and for the little one God will bless us either from the foster/adoption process or naturally.
Stress however, crept back into my life this morning- more like slammed down hard, when I opened my email and read an email from my SIL. Apparently because of all the drama going on in the family since Christmas, she and her husband decided that they will not be coming to our annual family reunion in August. I am furious, as my husband's uncle has rented a hotel and is spending big money for thie reunion this year, as we all live around the state and only see eachother once a year. My MIL is so upset and I have to call her and get the full story about what the hell is going on- BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
My husband's brother and wife go to the same church as us and won't even say hello- they walk past us as though we don't exist. When I was on worship team two weeks ago they sat right in front of me and refused to even look at me the entire 30 minutes I was singing, trying to worship God. These are the same two people who last year at reunion ignored me the entire weekend and actually once literally ran into me coming around a corner and never even acknowledged me or said sorry. They have twins that were born in September whom we have only seen 3 times! DH's mom texted us a picture two weeks ago of our niece ( MIL hadn't seen the kids since January either) and I had to text back and ask who it was! I don't even recognize my own nephew or niece and they only live 20 minutes from us. I am done!
I want to not be hurt from their cruelty, but it pains me so. I don't understand how people who call themselves Christians can walk into God's church and ignore their own family members- go out of the way to avoid us and look past and through us. DH tells me that I shouldn't allow them to hurt me, but I can't help it. I am so stressed out about it that I can't sleep on Sunday nights because I am still so wound up about them ignoring me on Sunday mornings. I hurt knowing that when we get our phone call or BFP- none of DH's siblings will care- yet alone answer a phone call. They feel that this is the way to solve the problem and in time, the problem will be fixed- HOW???? After not speaking for so long- how is it ever going to get better, when all they ever do is cause more pain?? I don't get it!
And so- another month when there may have been hope for a BFP- but I know that with all this stress there is no way- and honestly, I feel resentment towards them for doing this to me....again. Last August when we did our IUI it was three days after family reunion and the stress that DH's siblings caused me that weekend. It never fails that when I need to be calm and collective to optimize baby making- they do something to get me worked up.
Enough is enough.... how do I put my foot down and stop allowing them to hurt me???
Although we are going down the foster/adoption route- we have not stopped trying to conceive our own baby. We have been given a 3% shot of conceiving on our own- so we figure that a miracle may happen and every month I still have hope. I realized last month that I still had 2 refills of Clomid before July- so I decided to fill them and give it a go this month and next month with Clomid and good ol' baby dancing! We have nothing to lose we figure except the $18 that the prescriptions cost. DH and I were excited about us doing SOMETHING at least. The school year ended last week and I was stressed to the max- which didn't make for fun BD'ing- I was bummed. But when I woke up Saturday morning after closing the classroom door for the summer- I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders! I was so happy and realized that this summer can be focused on preparing for God's plans for our lives and for the little one God will bless us either from the foster/adoption process or naturally.
Stress however, crept back into my life this morning- more like slammed down hard, when I opened my email and read an email from my SIL. Apparently because of all the drama going on in the family since Christmas, she and her husband decided that they will not be coming to our annual family reunion in August. I am furious, as my husband's uncle has rented a hotel and is spending big money for thie reunion this year, as we all live around the state and only see eachother once a year. My MIL is so upset and I have to call her and get the full story about what the hell is going on- BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
My husband's brother and wife go to the same church as us and won't even say hello- they walk past us as though we don't exist. When I was on worship team two weeks ago they sat right in front of me and refused to even look at me the entire 30 minutes I was singing, trying to worship God. These are the same two people who last year at reunion ignored me the entire weekend and actually once literally ran into me coming around a corner and never even acknowledged me or said sorry. They have twins that were born in September whom we have only seen 3 times! DH's mom texted us a picture two weeks ago of our niece ( MIL hadn't seen the kids since January either) and I had to text back and ask who it was! I don't even recognize my own nephew or niece and they only live 20 minutes from us. I am done!
I want to not be hurt from their cruelty, but it pains me so. I don't understand how people who call themselves Christians can walk into God's church and ignore their own family members- go out of the way to avoid us and look past and through us. DH tells me that I shouldn't allow them to hurt me, but I can't help it. I am so stressed out about it that I can't sleep on Sunday nights because I am still so wound up about them ignoring me on Sunday mornings. I hurt knowing that when we get our phone call or BFP- none of DH's siblings will care- yet alone answer a phone call. They feel that this is the way to solve the problem and in time, the problem will be fixed- HOW???? After not speaking for so long- how is it ever going to get better, when all they ever do is cause more pain?? I don't get it!
And so- another month when there may have been hope for a BFP- but I know that with all this stress there is no way- and honestly, I feel resentment towards them for doing this to me....again. Last August when we did our IUI it was three days after family reunion and the stress that DH's siblings caused me that weekend. It never fails that when I need to be calm and collective to optimize baby making- they do something to get me worked up.
Enough is enough.... how do I put my foot down and stop allowing them to hurt me???
Replies