Enough.

Last night was as bad as it gets. You know what? I am angry. And sad, very sad. And angry. Not about last night as an isolated event, but about all of it. no positive thinking, meditation, distractions, therapy, support groups etc, will change that. So I realized that I just need to sit and examine these emotions for a bit, rather than stuffing them down. Nothing in the last 25 + years has reached him. What makes me think it will happen now? During last night's confrontation I realized that everything he says is a calculated lie, he does not " hear me " he does not  " own it ". He says what he thinks are the right things that will string me along until next time. So angry.  I am sitting at my desk at work, with no sleep, a stomach ache and chest pain. I need to let it burn itself out. But in reviewing the profound behavioral changes I've seen in the last several months I think two things: crazy has elevated since the introduction of clonopin each night ( and whenever else he chooses). That alone in tandem with his other pain Meds is frightening, but the inevitable drinking makes it intolerable. The second thing is the very grief inducing knowledge that although his extreme Anger, depression, victimhood, negativity, and aggression are most likely due to or amped up by drugs and alcohol...... He is far too deep in now to ever find his way out. 
I am beyond viewing this as a good Vs. bad thing. at the end of the day it is really just about choice, one I have no rights to interfere in. A choice about how to experience the gift of a life.
i absolutely have no further obligation to be the only one in a marriage who tries or cares. With the realization that he has reduced his responsibilities to a few household tasks and a dinner on the table. These things, he says are his signs of love for me. Well guess what ? It's not enough.
he does these things, he says , so I don't have to do them. Guess what? I would rather do them myself so as not to be held hostage emotionally. But for now I won't dispute this because,mat the end of a long workday, I feel too drained, and depressed to vacuume or wash floors ( his two favorite tasks). As for the dinner thing...... Really as I walk in the door at 4:15 in the afternoon, I would like a few minutes to put down my purse and wash my hands before I have to sit and eat. So stressful, so his feelings are not ruffled. 
Any way, last night I let the truth fly, not kindly or compassionately, but truthfully. I don't even care that he is angry at me beyond measure. He can add me to the list of people he will yell at : like town officials, medical receptionists, other drivers, grocery store employees, Anyone who provides a service that does not act quick enough or meet the expectations of " the school he comes from" so he can put me at the top of his list .... Scream at me..... Write my name, the time and date, and ask to speak to my supervisor.....then call me every day and repeat the crazy. Ah my sarcasm is returning. I must be feeling better.