Enlighted

Fuck!!!! I am starting to find out so much about myself that I have just forgotten about. When did I get so lost?? Fuck!!! I use to be such a crazy person. I enjoyed life everyday and always to its fullest. So sad when I look at myself now, who the hell is this person? I have become a fucking robot. Go to work, and come home. Shit I have been doing this for my entire married life. Trying so hard to make my husband proud of me all of these years. Now he is gone, and none of that seems to matter. Ok, I have done well for myself. I got myself off drugs that I had done for almost 15 years, cleaned myself up, got a good job that comes with much respect, but I gave up who I was for all of this. I really have to question if it was worth it at this point. When I think back though the years, we were so much happier together when we were piss poor broke and lucky to make the rent. So here I sit and all I can think is how I fucked up. Here I thought I was living the American dream, but it was just that, a fucking dream. An expensive house that I  fucking have always hated out in the middle of the fucking dusty desert. I have never even put up one picture on the walls. Three thousand square feet of nothingness. I could walk away from this place today and everything in it, just my dogs, some clothes and diving equipment. I have never been a material person, so it all means nothing to me. Everything I care about I could fit in my Jeep and just drive off. So why don't I?? I would be fucking insane to. This is all I have worked so hard for. Yeah, its a constant battle with myself, and my dogs. I have to take them with me, they are like my children, they depend on me for their well being and I wouldn't trust anyone else to love them as I do. Fuck!!!! On the good side I have reclaimed a part of myself I also lost along the way. My music. Bill and I bumped heads in this department. He was very here and now, the punk rock, the fucking rap crap that made me just want to fucking scream. He use to tell me how much he loved the music I enjoyed. All the classic rock, the love songs....... A few years ago he started telling me I lived in the dinasour ages, and that he couldn't stand to listen to it. So  what did I do, I gave it up unless I was in my car driving. What the fuck did I do that for. I guess I figured it was little to give up in the name of love. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!! I love my music. It makes me feel happy inside. I gave up something that made me feel. That will never happen again. Its mine to keep. It feels good agin to find myself singing along to the radio. Shit, I have like 200 cd's mostly all cassic rock. They have been sitting here collecting dust. Not anymore. Fuck, I even found out that my cable that I have been paying for years has Sirus. No more turning the tv on for sound effect. So I guess I am moving forward after all, but the truth really hurts. I have been unhappy for years. It just took me until now to really understand that. I guess that is progess for you.