Energy... Zilch

really was a down day. i literally slept and did nothing today other than shower, do some dishes, and go get tea a/ hubby. 

now it's midnight and i can't go to sleep. lol. 

i missed paco today. i miss his companionship. i miss holding him and loving on him and just his comfort. i really do miss him. i really am worried about the little dog on 6th street. what if she gets ran over? or killed by a big dog that is loose? i don't know. i keep thinking about it. but a teacup dog is a high maintainance dog. that's what i've read. but i'm worried. we drove by again and saw her on the porch. 

but i'm leaving for colorado on thursday. i am looking forward to it. 

i am going to apply for leadership role for TOPS. i think it will do me some good. and going to volunteer at the library for the children's programs. but when i get back from CO it will be time for school... which will be a good time bc them mm will be thinking about subbing/ working and i can get some relief. it's been a good plan for me.

mh has put in an application for a job that has benefits. that means i can go back to work with vip if he gets benefits. so, that's to be seen. we will see. he likes his job, but i've battled depression ever since the first of january, when i had to quit. it is what it is.... but i deal w/ feeling worthless. 

and i deal w/ being lonely. just not enough to do. but i am determined to help w/ the library and the orphanage when i get back. i just need a place to be useful. 

it's terrible not feeling useful. no purpose. nothing to look forward to. 

i just keep praying. i feel like a barrier between me and God sometimes. i know a lot of times ppl do. but i am very blessed and i do know that. but i'm not busy doing things to help other ppl. that's my big problem. i'm isolated. not a good place.... it puts me into depression and self pity. no one can help me out of that but me.

so i have to get determined. 

i went swimming yesterday and though it felt awesome and theraputic and i just love love love it... it knocks me out for the next day... almost every single time i pay very hard the next day. but oh well. sometimes i still enjoy it very much. i truly do. 

so there's that.... lots of things to be seen yet. lots of prayers for others: shawn, scotty, ray, shawn's family, brother and new job, mm, hubby , daughter wanting to be preggy..... lots of things. but ppl really struggling and feeling helpless in helping them. but that's not true. there are ways of helping... i just need to get 'hands on'. 

g