Endings, Void, New Beginnings
When I quit smoking several years ago, I remember being bombarded with *feelings.* I would imagine it was feelings I had stuffed by smoking. It was like a filter and I didn't have to face them; kind of like people do with all othr addictions. it was actually the beginning of my feeling process.
I am now letting go of being *co* and it seems the more I let go, the more *feelings* I am experiencing. While walking this morning (and sweating atrociously) I had the realization I don't think I was so addicted to being *co* as much as addicted to self-punishment; innocently that is. Being as *co* as I was and still am, it ALWAYS CAUSES ME PAIN. ie: look what I did, look what I do, look what I gave up, always expectations for a return, etc. I got to be a martyr, a woe is me. This all led to self-punishment; never quite good enough, never quite right, etc.
I am NOT holding myself hostage here; I am simply being aware. I feel this past month I have been in the *void* - not knowing how to move forward as I embrace my *feelings* and let go of this *co* stuff.
I have once again walked into the belly of darkness and embraced the shame I felt for the way I parented, the shame I felt for my actions, the shame I felt for simply being me. I am working on embracing my feelings of being *uncomfortable.* It was shown to me that I really never have been comfortable being me.
Anyway, as I continue to let go of the old and allow myself to experience the void, I am getting glimpses of some newness. The old behavior still haunts me at times, but I allow how I feel at the time and it is seems to pass.
On another note, I am still having health challenges...am scheduled for a colonoscopy this Wed. So all prayers would be appreciated.
LOVE ALL OF YOU!
xx
I am now letting go of being *co* and it seems the more I let go, the more *feelings* I am experiencing. While walking this morning (and sweating atrociously) I had the realization I don't think I was so addicted to being *co* as much as addicted to self-punishment; innocently that is. Being as *co* as I was and still am, it ALWAYS CAUSES ME PAIN. ie: look what I did, look what I do, look what I gave up, always expectations for a return, etc. I got to be a martyr, a woe is me. This all led to self-punishment; never quite good enough, never quite right, etc.
I am NOT holding myself hostage here; I am simply being aware. I feel this past month I have been in the *void* - not knowing how to move forward as I embrace my *feelings* and let go of this *co* stuff.
I have once again walked into the belly of darkness and embraced the shame I felt for the way I parented, the shame I felt for my actions, the shame I felt for simply being me. I am working on embracing my feelings of being *uncomfortable.* It was shown to me that I really never have been comfortable being me.
Anyway, as I continue to let go of the old and allow myself to experience the void, I am getting glimpses of some newness. The old behavior still haunts me at times, but I allow how I feel at the time and it is seems to pass.
On another note, I am still having health challenges...am scheduled for a colonoscopy this Wed. So all prayers would be appreciated.
LOVE ALL OF YOU!
xx
Replies
I will say some very special prayers for you Vicki and I hope you get some help and rest from these health issues very soon.
I can really relate to how we might lean on an addiction to numb the feelings...ive certainly done that. I was sipping a glass of wine about 2 weeks ago and I \'likened\' it to sucking on a dummy (I think in USA you call them pacifiers?) the wine had a way of soothing me. During my time with my therapist a huge depression was over me but I know now that this depression numbed and soothed me a bit as I learnt to feel again. I still have to remember to keep in touch with my feelings as I sometimes slip back into old habits, especially when I\'m under pressure.
Talking about \'parenting\' my daughter has had to live through living with me as ive gone through all this. I might think I hid/protected her from all of my challenges but I\'m sure she might have her own story. I actually asked her the other day. I said \'what kind of a mum have I been?\' She answered \'a good one\' but I told her to think about it because I have no way of knowing. All I know is we are blessed. Your lovely son and daughter...you are in their lives. Love you Vicki xxxxx
I graciously receive your prayers Rosie. Thank-you! This has gone on way too long.
Yes...we do have a tendency to slip back don\'t we? But that\'s ok. At least we are getting better about seeing it! Yeah us!
I am much harder on myself than my kids ever thought about being. I had a lot to deal with being a full time Mom. working full time, being Mom and Dad, etc. I am getting better at self-forgiveness, but there is more to come.
I sure think you are a good MOM!
Luv you back!
xx
BOTH of you are doing really well in your progress, IMO. .
Vicki, your current state of allowing all feelings, even the ones that feel uncomfortable, is some serious progress. Especially the psychological pains. Physical pain is one thing, the stuff we make up emotionally and hang onto is where you seem to be working now.
I wish you a well and healthy results from your colonoscopy, and will keep you in my prayers too. (I don\'t envy your colon-cleanse Tuesday. Don\'t get too far from the bathroom.)
Blessings