End of the line

I think I have actually reached the end of my tether. I really didn't see this coming, but it has hot me out of the blue. I was having yet another sleepless night when I just realised that enough is enough. I know I haven't been through that uch in terms of fertility treatment but I just feel like I have almost reached my limit. I am supposed to be having a scan today to check my lining, but I just don't want to do it. I don't want to be onthe hormones that have contributed to me gaining weight. I don't want to feel unbelievably moody any more. I just want some semblance of control back. I am constantly humiliated and ashamed of my body and how much of a failure it is. I just want out. I want to go back to exercising 10 sessions per week and living of next to no food in order to be slim. I want control back. I don't want to be dressing in front of another person who has just probed me. I want some dignity back.
This post is so needy and whiny. It all "I want, I want I want". Ugh that is not even me. I am not that kind of person but I feel like I have been reduced to that and I hate it.
Hopefully, I will be in a much better head space after heading to the gym tonight.
 I guess I just have to accept that being humiliated with the failings of my own body is going to be part of my life for a bit longer