End of days.
don't know where to start.
The bathroom is finished. There are a few places where the paint spread too thin, but I declare that this is being picky. It looks really nice. the choice of paint colors worked out, although we changed one color at the last minute, which seems to have made a huge difference. Now I would like to keep people from using it in fear that something like the plumbing will fail. I just wished I had taken "before" pictures.
Thanksgiving was nice.
But yesterday was a royal bitch. So let's skip to the meat here.
We (the fam) went out to the mall to look for gifts for my MIL. DW was at a heightened state of panic because of all the aggressive drivers out there, B was suffering through her new companion, PMS. My son starts talking about how come I never laugh. We all agreed that I need to smile and laugh more. But it seems an impossible task lately. There is not enough "anything" in my life right now. No relationship with my wife, my job isn't rewarding, the kids fight me over little things. But you know I can't tell them this, can I? I dare not.
We managed to come home without incident. Once we got settled I grabbed my latest novel of choice and sat while DW & B took off upstairs for a spell. I had sat in "DW's seat" because B had been sprawled out on the couch. No problem, there is plenty of room at that point. So DW & B go upstairs and return, B returns to her position on the couch. DW comes in and B reminds me that I am in DW's seat. Ugh. Stupid. I make the $$ so we can have a place to sit. I don't have a special seat. So I pop my book shut and get up and everyone accuses me of being angry, I defend myself by saying that I just like to pop my book shut, I like the sound it makes, but nobody buys it. I get up and move over to the six inches of sofa that is left over from B's laying position, and she refuses to budge. Seems lately that i talk to her and she chooses not to respond. So this, added in with the relentless pursuit of making me admit my anger (which kept coming and coming, thus relentless), I flip out. I mutter to-hell-with-this and plop my book on the kitchen table (which makes another hearty sound) and I disappear into my bedroom for about an hour.
I got over it fairly quickly, but The mounting problems are still there. My feelings. The ones that won't get validated. the lack of respect for me and my wife's insistance that she make a farce out of my marriage. I feel at this point I am done. I spent about the last 5 years of my life trying to dig myself out of the hole I had made out of my life, And it feels like my wife tries to keep me in this said hole. I had to change my thought processes to keep me from becoming depressed again. and nobody notices. I feel that this needs to be addressed with DW. We need to iron out our goals here and see if there is some solution we can come up with. If there ain't, I am done with it all. I have tried can only do so much. I cannot, do any more.
So I came back down and retreated to the basement, where my workshop is a total disater area, as a result of popping in and out for the last few weeks to renovate the bathroom. My son, who was doing his Sunday night garbage duty, came in and I talked to him briefly, he doesn't seem upset. I see that as a good sign. But he is good at masking his feelings. After about an hour of that, I return upstairs. DW ain't talking. I ain't talking.
At the end of the night, we go to bed in silence. I decide to say that I feel remorse for my actions, but still feel a little upset. She replies that she doesn't want to talk to me. Fine. I let it go, which I probably shouldn't, since tomorrow I will have forgotten a lot of what I am thinking about. But I love to sleep.
then I got to thinking about how the whole thing transpired. I did overreact. And I am very frustrated. And nobody gives a flying fig about my frustrations, nor will DW validate or acknowledge them if I tell her. and now that I have calmed down a bit, I fear that I will become afraid to talk about what's going on in my little world in my head. last night I was angry enough to say. Now I am not.
I hate this. All of it. My life, my home. So i have to eat crow. Beg for forgiveness. As a man with nothing attached to my tool belt but pride, not much by the way, but it's all I have, so I tend to protect it. I feel I have nothing else. And that gets taken away often.
Ugh. Now I shall try to live today.
Have a great day.
The bathroom is finished. There are a few places where the paint spread too thin, but I declare that this is being picky. It looks really nice. the choice of paint colors worked out, although we changed one color at the last minute, which seems to have made a huge difference. Now I would like to keep people from using it in fear that something like the plumbing will fail. I just wished I had taken "before" pictures.
Thanksgiving was nice.
But yesterday was a royal bitch. So let's skip to the meat here.
We (the fam) went out to the mall to look for gifts for my MIL. DW was at a heightened state of panic because of all the aggressive drivers out there, B was suffering through her new companion, PMS. My son starts talking about how come I never laugh. We all agreed that I need to smile and laugh more. But it seems an impossible task lately. There is not enough "anything" in my life right now. No relationship with my wife, my job isn't rewarding, the kids fight me over little things. But you know I can't tell them this, can I? I dare not.
We managed to come home without incident. Once we got settled I grabbed my latest novel of choice and sat while DW & B took off upstairs for a spell. I had sat in "DW's seat" because B had been sprawled out on the couch. No problem, there is plenty of room at that point. So DW & B go upstairs and return, B returns to her position on the couch. DW comes in and B reminds me that I am in DW's seat. Ugh. Stupid. I make the $$ so we can have a place to sit. I don't have a special seat. So I pop my book shut and get up and everyone accuses me of being angry, I defend myself by saying that I just like to pop my book shut, I like the sound it makes, but nobody buys it. I get up and move over to the six inches of sofa that is left over from B's laying position, and she refuses to budge. Seems lately that i talk to her and she chooses not to respond. So this, added in with the relentless pursuit of making me admit my anger (which kept coming and coming, thus relentless), I flip out. I mutter to-hell-with-this and plop my book on the kitchen table (which makes another hearty sound) and I disappear into my bedroom for about an hour.
I got over it fairly quickly, but The mounting problems are still there. My feelings. The ones that won't get validated. the lack of respect for me and my wife's insistance that she make a farce out of my marriage. I feel at this point I am done. I spent about the last 5 years of my life trying to dig myself out of the hole I had made out of my life, And it feels like my wife tries to keep me in this said hole. I had to change my thought processes to keep me from becoming depressed again. and nobody notices. I feel that this needs to be addressed with DW. We need to iron out our goals here and see if there is some solution we can come up with. If there ain't, I am done with it all. I have tried can only do so much. I cannot, do any more.
So I came back down and retreated to the basement, where my workshop is a total disater area, as a result of popping in and out for the last few weeks to renovate the bathroom. My son, who was doing his Sunday night garbage duty, came in and I talked to him briefly, he doesn't seem upset. I see that as a good sign. But he is good at masking his feelings. After about an hour of that, I return upstairs. DW ain't talking. I ain't talking.
At the end of the night, we go to bed in silence. I decide to say that I feel remorse for my actions, but still feel a little upset. She replies that she doesn't want to talk to me. Fine. I let it go, which I probably shouldn't, since tomorrow I will have forgotten a lot of what I am thinking about. But I love to sleep.
then I got to thinking about how the whole thing transpired. I did overreact. And I am very frustrated. And nobody gives a flying fig about my frustrations, nor will DW validate or acknowledge them if I tell her. and now that I have calmed down a bit, I fear that I will become afraid to talk about what's going on in my little world in my head. last night I was angry enough to say. Now I am not.
I hate this. All of it. My life, my home. So i have to eat crow. Beg for forgiveness. As a man with nothing attached to my tool belt but pride, not much by the way, but it's all I have, so I tend to protect it. I feel I have nothing else. And that gets taken away often.
Ugh. Now I shall try to live today.
Have a great day.
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