emptiness

I am sad. I am miserable at times. I think of my life and i wonder how it can be so empty when just a few months ago i was shopping for baby pajamas and debating whether to buy booties or warm socks for my newborn baby girl.
I was happy! i was scared out of my f***ing mind but i was so ready to hold her and love her. I wanted to give her my heart and my soul and all the love in the world. I had a good internship, was halfway to graduating, and in a loving relationship with a wonderful man who was my first love. I finally had my own home and was going to buy my first car and i had hope for my future for once. I thought my dreams were all coming true and that i had survived the bad things and that i could relax and look forward to some good.
And then she just died. I HATE SAYING THAT!! how can she be dead? she never got to live! How can i still be in so much denial like she is coming back to me someday? I want my daughter. She was so beautiful, she was everything i wanted her to be and more. And i can't even show pictures of her to ppl because they don't understand. I have everything for her. Theres still baby formula in the cupboards and baby clothes organized neatly in my dresser drawer. There is a pink baby robe in my hall closet with ducks on it, her "ducky-robe". With it are piles of baby washclothes and towels and bibs.
I still have everything for her right here with me, but i don't have my baby. WHY??! WHY GOD? WHY ME? WHY HER? why couldn't i just have her i don't care about money or material crap or anything anymore i only wanted my baby girl to live so i could love her. Why couldn't i have a chance to be her mommy?
I hate that i have so much in my life to still be grateful for but i can't see that anymore. I am blessed with a second chance at life but i feel like i've been walking around dead for months. The only emotions it seems i can feel are anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness. And this emptiness. I just wait. I am waiting for a blessing, i'm waiting for a sign that its okay to keep living, and that the sky is not going to fall down on my head. But sometimes i want it to. I want to watch the whole damn world burn down sometimes.
I love that discussion  post for making me realize that i need to vent and I HATE EVERYTHING sometimes. I miss being alive. I miss her little kicks and rolls. I miss waking up and talking to her. I even miss the morning sickness and peeing every thirty-five seconds. I still feel the kicks every hour. Is that normal? Thats why i'm always wondering if i'm pregnant.
I just hate always being so sad and miserable and jealous and angry at my sister who i love. But she's having a baby girl. She told me she was pregnant a few weeks after i lost my angel. I know that her daughter will look like Sophia. And i feel awful because i don't ever want to bond with that baby and i dont want to see her... it will break my heart into a million pieces. That's such an awful thing to say. Why can she smoke and drink beer and wine while shes pregnant and her children are fine! even after what happened to Sophia.
I hate that i feel like a broken shell and i hate that i might never "get over" this despite all the assholes who tell me i should, and i hate that i even have to face this pain that no one understands, not even my boyfriend. I hate that i let myself have hope for her and i hate that i let my guard down and now i am so hurt and so damaged.
I hate that we're all meeting in a stillbirth support group instead of a parenting class or while taking our babies to daycare! I hate hating everything so much lol.
 
I wish she was here in my arms sleeping. I wish i knew what color her eyes were. I wish that i didnt hurt so much.
 
 
 
 
 
j

Replies

Gainesmommy
Gainesmommy

Oh honey, I wish you weren\'t here too! I love the women I\'ve met here, but wish I had met them under different circumstances. When it comes to your sister\'s baby, don\'t do anything you don\'t feel ready for for! But you have years to bond with the baby, so don\'t count her out just yet! I literally pulled my godson out of my bestfriend & tried to force myself to be ok & I was for a while. After I forced myself, tho its hard for me to hold Cam now that the feelings have set in. I look at him & want my son, but at the same time know that Gaines is walking with him, so I \'m able to be near him. (((Hugs))) & I hope this get better for you :)
MomOfTiberius
MomOfTiberius

When you are ready to bond with your sisters baby you will know and it may take a few years. I have a nephew who lives about 15 minutes from us, he is almost 18 months and I never have been able to bond with him, he was only a few months old when we conceived Ty and now that Ty is gone I just can\'t bring myself to see him. I\'ll admit I am very jealous of him. I hope your sister understand if you can\'t see her baby right away if not, well take care of yourself and don\'t worry. I find a lot of people don\'t understand why we do or don\'t do certain things and some people get pissy about it but I don\'t care, first and foremost I am important over anyone else and you are too. You have to do what feels right to you whether other people approve or not, their not the ones going through your pain. Hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish I wasn\'t here neither. And I have meet a lot of people on here, but I wish we never had to meet like this.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. We must be on the same page of feelings because I am having all of these thoughts today as well. I cant even open Andrew\'s closet or drawers because it brings me to my knees. I can\'t even pack up my maternity clothes. I don\'t want it to end like this, I want my son! I have a nephew that is 18 months and I cant look at him or go near him. I talked to my sister and she understands completely. Take it one step at a time and do what is right for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. (((HUGS))) Andrea