Emotions Run Amok
I don't even know what in the world is going on with me. I guess it is the hormones making me feel crazy? I feel miserable, but can't even identify the main feeling in the mix...is it overwhelming grief? Is it jealousy over all my happily pregnant friends? Is it anger at my husband because he isn't wanting to go get the double stroller we were going to buy for our baby? To me, if he believes we will have another baby soon, we should be buying the stroller, right? If not, he doesn't want another baby...Crazy thinking, I know. Nothing feels right...or enjoyable...or worth laughing at. I feel like a horrible person.
My precious 12 yr old daughter, who has been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders since we lost Matthew was trying to elicit some laughter from me..that is what they are used to. She put on the outtakes from Brother Bear, sure that I would be cracking up. They probably were funny, but everything runs through some weird filter that sucks the joy out of things right now. I saw nothing to laugh at. I just wanted to be alone (NOT LIKE ME...I am a people-person and ALWAYS about spending time with the family). We are night-owls and never go to bed before at least 1 a.m. At 8:30, I announced I was going to bed..solo...which has never happened in our marriage (we have a pledge to always go to bed together). So, did I sleep? Did I cry? Did I do ANYTHING productive? NO! I just laid there feeling completely miserable physically (still going from cramps to contractions since my miscarriage was "incomplete") and emotionally. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I can't sleep...can't eat (like I need to w/all my extra weight!)...can't feel joy...argh!
My precious 12 yr old daughter, who has been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders since we lost Matthew was trying to elicit some laughter from me..that is what they are used to. She put on the outtakes from Brother Bear, sure that I would be cracking up. They probably were funny, but everything runs through some weird filter that sucks the joy out of things right now. I saw nothing to laugh at. I just wanted to be alone (NOT LIKE ME...I am a people-person and ALWAYS about spending time with the family). We are night-owls and never go to bed before at least 1 a.m. At 8:30, I announced I was going to bed..solo...which has never happened in our marriage (we have a pledge to always go to bed together). So, did I sleep? Did I cry? Did I do ANYTHING productive? NO! I just laid there feeling completely miserable physically (still going from cramps to contractions since my miscarriage was "incomplete") and emotionally. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I can't sleep...can't eat (like I need to w/all my extra weight!)...can't feel joy...argh!
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