Emotions getting me down!
So after a good amount of time of feeling "ok" mr. depression has found where I was hiding! I am feeling so down and out... I dont even have the motivation to move! Where is this coming from?!? I had a super big fight with my gf yesterday which has me really sad, and hopeless for my relationship again. I feel like i have nothing to look forward to in life right now. Im hopeless for my health, hopeless for my life and hopeless for my relationship! I hate writing sad journals, but I need to get this out somehow...I'd much rather be writing about recent ephifanys of the positive or realistic kind... thats not happening today. Im frustrated! *Huffs* I want my gf to understand... She cant but I want her to! I have nothing to look forward to this week... its full of doctors appointments woopie!Monday: Hematologist 10:45 then Dermatologist at 2:00 pm Then a dash to the hospital which I might give up on going bc i dont even think i could step foot in the hospital without crying to pick up the copy of my last ct scan from october that says my clot is goneTuesday I have therapy, and this time my gf is coming... I guess we are hoping to iron out some kinks but I just dont know anymore.( I will most likely worry all Tuesday about my appointment Wednesday! ) Wednesday: Pulmonologist at 2:00 which means leaving work early and missing out on some money thats always good right? ( Thankfully my gf is coming, bc im afraid to go!) Im really not looking forward to any of these doctors telling me how lucky I am to be alive, bc honestly that comment has an adverse reaction on me.... instead of thinking "Hey, YAY I'm still here!" I think "Remind me again that I almost died...Im trying to get over this shit!" I guess I just have to suck it up, as after i get these appointments out of the way theres not any sheduled for the future... except the obvious inr testing and genetic testing later on, but those are a given right? This is the first time since my PE I am seeing my Hematologist under normal circumstances:Every other time its been me making an"emergancy" appointment because my leg is cramped, my muscles ache, im dizzy bla bla you know the deal. But since I have switched to coumadin I have been doing much better with side effects...so im like umm what do i talk to him about, so I guess this is the perfect time to bombard him with questions about my future? Maybee he can raise my spirits... I didnt even think of seeing him but i guess last time I had my INR done the nurse said it had been a couple months so I should see him..whatever. As for the pulmonologist, my primary wanted me to see one just as follow up from the hospital, and I asked my hemo months ago if I needed to go and he said I didnt but eh, why not? Just one more doctor to ask a million questions too, and other medical professional to hopefully reassure me that im ok?... and hopfully he will show me my clot on my scan, I have all my scans just dont know how to read them lol. And the dermatologist should hopefully be nothing to worry about, but lately my unhealthy obsession with death leads me to think I have cancer... ( hits herself in the head...) Ok so my primary looked at my freckles and moles and said they are healthy, so Im not as freaked anymore, but the dermatologist will make me feel better Im sure - Plus looking into some freckle fading cream as the birth control excentuated some of my freckles grrr...just another reason why I love YAZ! And therapy, well I really hope it works for me and my gf, I just dont know what to do... Its one thing to have a PE turn your world upside down, but then when your relationship of 3 years starts to go super sour, and oh yes did I forget to mention that my boss is borrowing against her personal account to keep her small business open... When it rains... IT FREAKIN POURS! Soo...seems like logically writing all of this down here, all of these doctors appointments are more to help my mental health then my physical health jeez whats up with that! Just keep thinking "suck it up Ashley...This is gunna be a crazy beginning of the week..but just get it all done with and you will feel better!" I have made some fantastic friends here on DS really caring people who want to help me! I dont know where Id be without you guys, Im sure not as far along with my recovery as I am now! Thanks for reading my mind...technically Ive just thrown you into a whirlwind of my anxious thoughts and my rationalizing mechanism to what will happen.... and they say you cant read peoples minds? Plus, Im a bit late for my period... thinking some of this depression is my good old friend PMS, he took a vacation when I was on YAZ but now that Im off I think hes moving back in....UGH.. just keep singing the song.. I enjoy being a girl.