Emotions and the New Year

I feel like I went through every emotion in existence this week. I've felt grief and sadness to happiness and optimism, and I just don't know how to feel about it. All of this is because of two people in my life - this guy and me. 

There's this guy I like in class who always sits a seat away from me, if not, next to me and no one sits in between us for the most part. He's the only guy I have my eyes on in class. I guess I really overreacted because last Friday, he decided to sit in a row in front of me, which he never did before. This made me believe he didn't like me, and I literally had a mental breakdown because of it. I consulted my friend and told him that he didn't like me, and he said that I was overreacting and overthinking the situation. After class, I walked all the way to a private restroom on the other side of campus just to lock myself in and break down in tears. 

The next Monday, everything was way better. He ended up sitting right next to me like he usually does and when I asked him if he wanted to work together on our biology final, he said yes and seemed pretty enthusiastic. My only regret was not asking him to study with me. Finals came Wednesday, and I thought I was going to have the best day of my life. We worked together on the final, but as soon as I left the classroom, he was all I could think about. Why didn't I try and be friends with him? He didn't seem to talk to anyone else in class. I guess it's because I'm too scared to get attached to someone I like because the friendship would be awkward if he ever found out that I liked him. Also, I think it would hurt my heart too much if I ever got that close to someone I liked.

The regret only builded up from there. I hated myself for not being brave enough to sit next to him, especially when he was able to sit next to me with no problem. I hated myself for not getting to know him, studying with him, etc. I wanted so bad to see him that I went to school today (I had no final today and nothing to do at school) just to find him. But I didn't. 

But then I felt optimism. I saw him entering the humanities building at around 8 am a while ago, which would most likely mean that he was taking an advanced english course. This would probably mean we would have the same english class together next semester since the next english class we would only be an 8 am class. 

I don't know why I feel so hopeful about this when deep inside, I know I will probably never see his face again. I don't even really know why I feel so dependant on him or anyone I end up liking. Everyone says that its a meaningless crush, but to me, it's so much more than that. 

My goal for 2018 is to not chase, not feel this dependancy, and in general, never feel the things I felt this year ever again. In 2018, I want to give and receive nothing but loving energy. I want to heal and put together pieces I broke this year so that I can move on. And if anything from 2017 does stick with me, hopefully it'll only be the good things/people. I'll be cutting negative people off and hopefully never see them again. 2018 will hold in store for me two/three new semesters, meaning two/three new opportunities to make new friends. 

This optimism I'm feeling for once is not the cliche end of the year, "new year new me" feeling. It's a geniune feeling of reinvention, getting what I deserve, and being willing to work for what I want. Every year, I simply forced myself to believe it'd be a good year because it was the spirit of New Year's Day. But this year, that feeling is different. It isn't forced. I genuinely believe this year will be good, especially because at least academically, the end of the year has been treating me well. Hopefully, 2018 will treat me well academically, emotionally, physically, etc. Here's to a good new year.