Emotional blow out

I hope you have time to read this I think it will be a little on the long side, Please excuse me I haven’t talked anyone other than stbx on this level. I really get into music and I heard this song yesterday and I HEARD it for the first time: Lyrics by Percy Sledge “When A man loves a woman”  When a man loves a womanCan't keep his mind on nothing elseHe'll trade the worldFor the good thing he's foundIf she's bad he can't see it     She can do no wrongTurn his back on his best friendIf he put her down                                                                              When a man loves a womanSpend his very last dimeTryin' to hold on to what he needsHe'd give up all his comfortSleep out in the rainIf she said that's the way it ought to beWell, this man loves a womanI gave you everything I hadTryin' to hold on to your precious loveBaby, please don't treat me badWhen a man loves a womanDown deep in his soulShe can bring him such miseryIf she plays him for a foolHe's the last one to knowLovin' eyes can't ever seeWhen a man loves a womanHe can do no wrongHe can never own some other girlYes when a man loves a womanI know exactly how he feels'Cause baby, baby, baby, you're my worldWhen a man loves a woman.....   This is how I felt about stbx for many years, this is how I love, I don’t know if it’s good or bad, it’s just me. At times I think you may have been right that I am a woman in a man’s body. Writing this I’m shedding more than a few tears, please don’t think of me as less of a man as to just a sensitive lost soul trying to find his way. I could think of nothing but her, she could do no wrong, and I did turn away from my friends. I did spend a lot on her to please her; I did give up a lot and would have slept in the rain if that’s what she wanted. I did give her everything I had. Come to find out she DID treat me bad, Deep down in my soul I loved her she brought me such misery she played me for a fool, I was the last one to knowfor loving' eyes can't ever see the bad things that she was doing to me. I don’t think I did any wrong as bad as things got, the lack of physical contact, verbal and emotional abuse I stayed faithful and true, It would have been easy to find comfort in another but I loved this woman and I didn’t.  Well enough is enough, she has killed that love and it will never come back I have tried all through this divorce process to regain even a little of those feelings and they are just not there. I hurt so and this I have not told to a soul and I don’t know why I’m telling you, so if I’m stepping on toes or going to a place that you are not comfortable with please forgive me. I need to vent, share but I do not know who I can “trust” with these feelings (I rarely share these type feelings with anyone). My confiding in you could be that I don’t know you, I consider you to be a dear friend, and the possibility of you hurting me by exposing these feelings is minimal, whatever, Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest, Part of this emotional break down is just everything that is going on, The emotional-personality swings that stbx exhibits, being nasty, evil, vindictive, etc. to being all lovey, and trying to care in less that 20 minutes, the mean comes natural and genuine, the lovey stuff seems so fake, very transparent, I guess insincere I think some, most men would have taken what they could get chalk it up to just getting laid. Sorry I just don’t have in me to take advantage of that situation, no desire for her. Then there is the repercussions of any affection, will be taken as reconciliation. Believe me THAT will NEVER happen. Don’t get me wrong I AM a male and have desires I don’t know who for but they ARE there. SORRY M (M is my daughter and she has joined DS to give her support to me ...what a kid)Enough there, even though for the reasons above that I can talk to you on this level I don’t feel comfortable about talking about sex and stuff old school I guess. But in today’s world I better lose that shyness. This mix of her emotions and her vindictiveness has caused me to do something g foolish maybe, I went yesterday afternoon still upset and I rented an apartment, I have been looking at this particular complex for a couple months and when she got all wiggy yesterday I went, looked and rented a 2 bedroom 1½ bath, ground floor unit. I don’t know if I can afford it but, I’ll have to find a place soon and it will be ready to move into by the middle of July.  I can afford it if not I’m ready to live in a shoebox, barn, whatever, I just need to get away from here.Just now she come in and gives me a digital picture frame for my keychain and a Father’s Day card. What’s up with that…. I would like to think she is realizing that she had someone that would have walked through hell for her, and I would have and even shouted to the devil “I’m hers and you can’t do a damned thing about it”. She also knows that I am an emotional sap and that she’ll get to me well it did a little….pissed me off that she stoop to do this. I have decided that I’ve finished walking through hell. Been there enough. I told you that I thought I was getting a fair shake on the household property settlement, well the lord giveth and the lord taketh away, she has “reconsidered” and is taking back the dining room, bedroom and patio furniture, no surprise here typical vindictive self absorbing …enough bashing Jack, move on…..  The second bag”o”crap going on is that I found out, last Monday that the hospital is closing, they are closing 2 hospitals in the area and building one new one. They claim that no direct patient care people will be affected. I’m not direct patient care. I’m support services. They’re 2 of my departments, one in each hospital. Some one has to go…..I’m older, have health issues, and new hospital will have all new digital equipment and the repair tech(me) would need additional training about 80 to 100K in cost. HHUUUUMMMMM….. 3 strikes and guess what.  I have survived 3 other shutdowns/closures. I WILL survive again, it’s just the added stress right now and I don’t know how much more I can take. You work hard on your marriage and your job and they both seem to fall apart.   The last bag’o’crap, the kidney stones, I think with all the attempts to get the large stone they have pissed it off and it’s saying I’ll show them I’ll give him some pain like he has never felt before, and It has. So with the nuttiness of stbx, the hassle of maybe losing a job and the pain from the kidney stones, I’m just a little down in the dumper. I’m set to have surgery on the 25th of June to remove that large stone, if the surgeon can find/get it the smaller stone, he’ll get it also.  I doubt if I’ll have anyone there M starts a new job Monday and I absolutely will not have her jeopardize her job, R (sil) starts classes and can’t be there I wouldn’t ask him to skip his first day of classes, the remainder of my family either lives over 3 hours away and have just had medical procedures too, to my mother, who’s 88 and though real spry has no need to be there she would just worry herself silly, besides someone would have to get her there cause she has never driven and she lives 50 miles away. M’s new job is just around the corner from the hospital and can be there in 5 minutes if she has to.  I’ll be damned if I ask stbx to be there. The doctor said that I would be hospitalized for 2-3 days and could be up to a week. I’ll be off work at least a week. I have plenty of vacation time so that won’t be a problem. I may go stay with mom while I recuperate.  My sister-in-law lives next door (my deceased brothers wife) and she is a retired nurse’s aid, so she could change any dressings or what ever.  All things said I’ll be OK just stressed to the max, needing someone to share with, and believe me this has helped…So you’ll never know how much you are appreciated. Thank you for allowing me to vent, for being there. I shall bounce back, I am MAN, I am STRONG???????hear me WHINE…….LOL if you can’t tell I am already better. So THANKS. I know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, 1.) Why is the tunnel so flippin long? 2.) I hope that light isn’t from another train!!!!!!!!! Always Just Jack