emotional abusers

 
'There is extensive documentation about abuse, abusers, and their behaviors  and the effects of abuse, on the 'abused'..It is accepted and known that abuse is about 'control'. Which most commonly involves controlling anothers emotions, feelings Also thir personal rights to respect and acknowledgement, and of their personal freedoms. A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being very disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, 'joking' insults, lying, repeatedly 'forgetting' promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, 'setting you up', and 'revising' history. To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, uncaring, hurtful, unacceptably angry, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman so confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is 'the best thing that has ever happened' to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of 'apology' jewelery, or a closet full of "apology" clothes? One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is the 'crazy making' aspects of emotional abuse. REALLY successful abusers hide their abuse incredibly well. They know how to twist and manipulate language, situations and people. They most often present an exterior of calm, rational self-control to others, when in reality, they may be severely emotionally abusive to you behind closed doors, where they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, and how much control he has. Also so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly 'there you go again, losing it,crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, 'you are!'. Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, often all they see is your hurt often expressed in what they might think is an unreasonable outburst from you, and NOT see the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because often nobody could believe that this charming, 'nice', helpful, and apparently calm man, could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful. It is well documented that abusers play the push me-pull-you game, threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping deliberately hurtful statements out of the blue, which are fully intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners feel very hurt, insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can see his emotional control in action, and can often then accuse the partner of being 'too needy'. Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. Or how he is or has spent a sum of your joint monies without any discussion. In these kinds of cases, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - or any consequences to you, talking only of the 'great job opportunity' or the 'great new car' he just bought without your knowledge, with no recognition at all of the devastating impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family. An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell her about the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them "funny". He may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in fun" and that no harm was meant by the "joking". Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that other things you or others are doing, are the cause and are contributing to his meaness, unhappiness and bad temper. An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will 'encourage' her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him. An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure. Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgmental, or needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours. And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques. Emotional abusers also often tr to negate you by ignoring you, sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving a party or function without notifying you. Or suddenly refusing to attend a very special and planned occasion. Emotional abusers often expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in getting very angry and 'punishing' the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and/or passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member 'deserves' it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar. It is all about him. Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word to you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they couldn't find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but the damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is overreacting. Stories documented about emotional abusers behaviours often include them reminding their partner of their flaws under the guise of trying to be 'helpful' or sensitive. He may make comments like, 'You seem unhappy with your body' - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or 'You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time', or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you', giving you no encoursgement at all. This is intended to keep you offbalance and to remind you that your strengths, are not to be strengthened or nurtured, as that would mean a lessoning of his 'control'. Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be 'uninterested' in doing things with you AND your friends. He may find them 'boring'. You may find yourself caught in a double-bind where he 'encourages' you to go out with 'your' friends, but refusing any invitation to participate. Then complaining that you never spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find yourself isolated from your friends by virtue of the demands on your time that he makes. You may also find him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a close friend or family member, especially about him and/or your relationship with him - and especially if that person is likely to tell you he's behaving like an abusive ass. One emotional abuser went so far as to 'set up' his wife so that she would isolate herself. He did it by 'reminding' her of her 'shyness', and how socially backward she was. He did this under the guise of 'being sensitive' to her and the areas she 'needed to work on' reminding her of her inadequacies. Then he would offer to 'help' her by suggesting she come along to a party or social function with him. Prior to the function he would again 'help' her by briefing her on people attending the party, so that she could 'have something to talk about' with them. As part of his tactic, he told his wife distortions or half-truths so that she would make social faux-pas at the function. If she ever questioned him, he would insist that SHE must have heard him wrong, and it must have been HER nervousness that made her forget or screw up. The man was a 'pillar of the community', so to his friends, she looked like a bumbling (and even insensitive) fool, and they 'couldn't figure out why a man like him was with a woman like HER'. Combined with his subtle denigration of her friends and family, she gradually isolated herself by not attending social functions, and cutting off relationships with her support network. Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her. He may also 'forget' things so that he can let her know that things that are important to her are NOT important to him. This tactic can take the form of making a special dinner for her, containing shrimp when he has known for years that she is allergic to shellfish, so she can't eat it, or buying a feather comforter for their bed, when he knows she is allergic to feathers. He will claim that his lapse was due to 'forgetting', when in fact, it was a passive-aggressive ploy to trick the partner into believing he was doing 'something nice', to get her hopes up, and then bring her down with the fact that she could not enjoy this 'gift' of his after all... It is a passive-aggressive slap-in-the-face. Which can make an abused partner very wary of anything 'good' being suddenly done by the abuser. Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control. The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will become, because he sees he is losing control of his partner. Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their 'mistakes' (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate and often minor mistakes - and will continue to 'punish' their partners for those mistakes, long after real apologies and restitution have been made. Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more. The abuser always says it's 'not his fault', or that she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her. Emotional abuse can take the form of him insisting that she isn't spending enough time with him, forcing her to 'prove her love' by booking extra time and adjusting her life and her schedule around him, so that he can then reject any suggestions she has for activities, and act disinterested when they do have time together. When she tries to make plans with him, the abuser will remind her in a condescending way of how poor she is at planning and how he doesn't believe that the plans will work out. Over time, comments like this insidiously undermine her self-confidence, by telling repeatedly that she is untrustworthy. Her trustworthiness becomes yet another excuse for him to 'punish' her with abusive language or actions. Another emotional abuse tactic is to reject activities that she suggests and then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of doing the activities with him, but other people are. An emotional abuser will often use condescension as an effective tool in manipulating and hurting his partner. In expressing his own internal anger, he targets his partner. But because she has done nothing to 'deserve' his anger at this point (or any point!), he may be rude, brutally inconsiderate, condescending, patronizing, or even use the 'silent treatment' to get her upset or angry. When his partner gets upset, and an argument ensues, he can then express his anger at her, and blame the fact that she 'got angry' at him, for the whole argument - even though HE started it. This gives an abuser a great sense of control over their partner.. Don't let him convince you that your anger at his disrespect and emotional cruelty, is somehow wrong or abusive to him. That is part of his 'control and' the escalating cycle of abuse. As part of this 'control' technique, the abuser may often 'set up' his partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by breaking down in tears for getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if you weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser". One of the more subtle but effective ways an abuser can 'wind' his partner up is by invalidating/rejecting/showing no compassion for the feelings of his partner - especially in conjunction with a deliberate act of malice that was designed to upset or hurt the partner. He will either totally deny that the abuse took place, or will claim the act was 'accidental' or intended to help the partner. He will try to tell his partner that it is NOT OK to feel angry or hurt or upset by his actions - or that if she DOES feel those things, her 'feelings are her own' - that he has no responsibility towards repairing any emotional damage he may have caused. As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he 'takes responsibility' for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word 'blame' as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay 'blame' on him for his actions. This is the functional equivalent of someone using a board to "fan" you and when he "accidentally" hits you over the head, telling you that he was just trying to HELP and that if you feel PAIN, well, your feelings are your own, and he can't be responsible for YOUR feelings, and there is nothing HE can do about it now... Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same 'mistakes' over and over with their partners. The flip side of this, of course, is that emotional abusers want to reap the emotional rewards for being nice and doing 'good' things for their partners - they also want the affirmation, appreciation and attention they feel they deserve when they do something positive for a partner. The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can 'make' you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. Nobody can be completely unaffected when dealing with someone they care deeply for, and not be badly affected by their abusive behavior  Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to 'let' only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You trust them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, and emotionally abuses you, you are NOT wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust, and using it to hurt you. Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not. Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack, any sign of 'guilty' feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior. If caught in a lie or exposed in a situation where he can't immediately manipulate his partner into taking the rap, he may totally deny the lie, despite all the facts showing him to be clearly lying, or try to go for the sympathy ploy, in an attempt deflect the situation away from his bad behavior. For example, one abuser caught in the middle of a lie, blamed his lie on 'bad memory', almost started crying, and began bemoaning what he would do if his memory was going, because his whole job depended on being able to remember lots of details. All of a sudden, the situation turned from him being caught in a lie, to his partner being expected to feel sorry for him because of his 'bad memory'... Other deflection techniques he may use when his behavior is exposed, are 'it is not my fault', and abusers lie often: Often his mother was 'a nasty bitch' who he now hates. All her fault, not at all that his behaviour was causing her to be unable to manage him. Or he left his ex because she was a bitch who treated HIM badly. when the truth in reality would be the complete opposite. He might bring up stories of childhood/parental/sibling abuse (listen closely to these, they are usually the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you will see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...) Others will always be to blame. He will bring up troubles and things bothering him at work or drivers who offended him which are all always others fault. If you DO manage to get an abuser to a relationship counselor, (something many abusers will insist you two don't need - he'll insist that you 'can work things out yourselves...' Or will refuse to admit the need for counselling, and will refuse to go for counselling), if you are one of the very few to actually get an abuser to agree to counselling, the abuser will then work to ensure that the counselor sees HIM as the mistreated partner, or at the very least, that his behaviors are one-time incidents rooted in just cause. Emotional abusers are often extremely manipulative. They will manipulate and lie to the counselor, pinning the onus back on YOU to change your behavior for HIM. You may find it very frustrating and difficult. Even if he can't avoid having his trust-breaking behavior exposed, he may find a way to manipulate the situation so that his "reasons" for breaking trust were because of YOUR inability to meet his needs. Beware. Sometimes counselors buy into that stuff, and you end up getting a double-whammy. With further feelings of being abused, hurt and disappointed. Emotional abusers will hide their abuse in acts that they can claim were done to "try and help" their partner. For example, taking a partner's kids away camping for the weekend, ostensibly, 'to give her some time off', but without phoning and checking with her first, 'forgetting' she had made plans with them already, and deliberately making sure the kids didn't have time to pack up and be properly equipped. This is designed to get her upset, but having it look like, on the surface, that he was 'just trying to be helpful and she got upset at me'. Similarly, an abuser might do some of your laundry 'as a favor' to you, without your asking, and then shrink or stain your clothes. When you get upset about the fact that not only did he do this without asking, but it caused damage, an abuser will imply that your anger is invalid and unwarranted, that you are ungrateful, (he was just trying to help!), and that there is nothing he can do about it now. The abuser learns and goes for the most sensitive 'buttons' on his partner, so that he can get a response out of her. Like bringing up her private and painful issues she may have confided in him, and will then turn them against her. The abuser can also seek ways to violate her boundaries through calculated 'acts of kindness', and may resort to using her children, her personal belongings, her friends, or her personal space as tools. In addition to favors which cause damage, the emotional abuser may do legitimately helpful 'favors' for his partner, but again, ones that the partner never asked for. The problem is that the abuser never gives freely or unconditionally. He expects some kind of recompense in return, often without stating what that expectation is. This then gives him another opportunity to feel justified in punishing his partner when she doesn't live up to his unstated expectations of gratitude and reciprocation. When his partner stands up for herself, you may hear him using phrases like, 'everything I did, I did for her', and 'after all I did for her, THIS is how she treats me!'. Abusers will often complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return... Another destabilizing tactic that the abuser may use is to renege on a commitment, or on a stated belief, catching you off-guard, causing great hurt and disappointment, and then putting you in a position where he can accuse you of 'hurting' him because you didn't know his beliefs/principles/goals had changed. Or how he was feeling, or not knowing why or what he wanted. Or may use the excuse that he 'changed his mind' as a tool for keeping you off-balance. If you question his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to change his mind. While people legitimately DO change their minds about things, abusers will do it often, and without warning, with maximum rug-yanking effect for their partners. Emotional abusers will use the 'mind change' tactic to set a partner up in a no-win situation. No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way to find fault with it - Things like if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it up, she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was invading his personal space. Emotional abusers encourage their partners to do 'self-indulgent' things that the abuser will later resent them for. It may be as simple as encouraging her to go out dancing with her friends, or to go visit her mother, or it may be as serious as encouraging her to take a job or go back to school. In many cases, his 'encouragement' is part of the 'if she really loves me' test - if she does what he encourages her to do, she is diverting her attention from him, and from his control, and he will feel justified in hurting her as a result. Once someone starts to detach from an abuser and refuses to play the games, he may go for the sympathy ploy. If his partner doesn't capitulate and refuses to pander to his emotional blackmail, she will be accused of being cold and heartless, in the hopes that THIS escalation of emotional blackmail will hurt her further. Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends. The abuser may claim that this is just different 'facets' of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser. Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship. Because abuse is ALL about power, and especially 'control', the abuser will often try to control by causing a partner pain, as proof of their control over their feelings and emotions. Some may do things like become 'buddies' or friends with his partner's closest friends. If her female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to. Causing her to be isolated, and clearly emotionally hurt. Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He might play up the 'sensitive guy' role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her. As much as possible, he will perpetrate this kind of behavior in front of his partner, so that he is exhibiting his control - going for maximum hurt of her, through a blatant display of no compassion disrespect. The emotional abuser often plays push me-pull you. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention to him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but then will reject her advances when she tries to initiate. Abusers are completely self-centered. many are narcissistic. They blame other people and do not take responsibility for their own actions. Abusers are self-righteous. They find many ways to justify their behavior. As a result, he often focuses on her problems, and insists that she change to make the relationship better. Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again. They know this, and will even try to make it seem like any expectation of an apology is really an attempt to 'blame' them. (Again, 'blame' being that dirty word). For example, 'You just want me to say I'm sorry and promise I'll never do it again, so that when I screw up again, you can point a finger and blame me and get angry with me and say, 'See? You did it again and you promised you wouldn't!' This is called 'projection' - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for 'blame', for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem. If you do get an apology out of an abuser, which is usually unheard of, it will only be a quick-fix to placate you temporarily, and will not a long-term solution, because they will do the same behavior over again - that is why they are often so resistant to apologizing and saying that they will work on the behavior - because they KNOW they will repeat it at another time. Also they refuse to admit any wrongs. Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of 'opening up', tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. At the time you may think that this is some kind of indication of a willingness to work on their past problems, or that somehow it will be different for you. In fact, what they are looking for is absolution in advance for behavior they will later inflict on you. They may even go so far as to say, 'I told you this is how I am'. Emotional abusers often grow OLD without ever growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-centred narcissistic, self preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style. Emotional abusers may do seemingly loving, kind and considerate things that actually convey a subtle message that you aren't "perfect", that you aren't quite good enough. For example, he may offer to rub cream into your hands before bed, but then you remember that he also didn't like you touching him if your hands were the least bit dry or rough - it "hurt" his skin, so you always had to have hand cream to make your hands soft before you touched him. Sadly, the REAL message behind the seemingly loving act of rubbing cream in your hands is that you aren't perfect, you aren't living up to his needs and expectations, NOT that he loves you... In their own subversive way, these 'messages', couched in 'loving' acts, eat away and erode your sense of self-worth. Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will often tell others that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get. In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his burdens, including stories of how he was abused as a child, or how he witnessed his mother being assaulted by his father. An emotional abuser demonstrates very little empathy and little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person. Especially when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed ******* - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed ******* mode 'I was just doing something for me'. Or saying things like 'I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself'. However, that 'something' often winds up with him breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or involves him being condescending, rude, mean ignoring, nasty violent and painfully emotionally abusive. An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far, after serious abuse of their partner, and their partner being forced to leave them, to claim that a partner left him, or threw him out, as if there had been no reason to?.."after all the things I did for her"... Or claiming 'she cheated on me'. The emotional abuser will play up the 'pathos' in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, often continuing to stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries at social functions. Or other times pleading with their partner, claiming that they will change, and that they do actually love them, and will respect them and not hurt them any longer, despite repeated proof that this will never happen. No matter how many chances are given. Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we may still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow 'work this out'. It is VERY difficult deciding to leave, and then 'letting go' of the dream of one day being a 'happy couple' or family, or to accept that abusers VERY rarely change. But that they refuse to acknowledge or admit that they are causing you or have caused you any serious pain, and refuse to get help for their abusive behaviours or their serious anger outbursts. In our efforts to maintain HOPE, we can cling to memories of some "good times" together, especially from the beginning of the relationship, when the abuser was on their best behaviour, roping the women into their control, or we may concentrate on the usually brief honeymoon phases, which can take place inbetween episodes of abuse, lulling you into thinking change has finally come, and hoping it will last. That he has, or will somehow wake up, and truly change. Unfortunately, statistics show that classic emotional abusers, are incapable of change. Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting her. Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living. His move into her neighborhood will be "justified" by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can't let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk. He is, in effect, stomping on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby. Or to make sure she hears about other women, to further hurt and control her emotions. Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will often express the opinion that he believes she is 'crazy' or quite unstable. Abusers also make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries or her requests for him to stay away from her. The abuser will often still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - but all documentation shows that he only cares about retaining those last vestiges of 'control', even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in. People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse. A man chooses to abuse, because he enjoys the 'control' he then has over you. It is a deliberate choice, as he will not abuse everyone. He can also stop immediately when others are around, or if he has physically hurt you, and if the police are then called and arrive. He can be the epitomy of calm sweetness and charm. If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn't loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so self absorbed and damaged that they are incapable of loving anyone else. If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them. Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it. It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can achieve true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. But this is impossible with an abuser. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and they are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat. People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesy, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this post, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and very dangerous to your wellbeing, and is never going to get better, and you decide to move on, the sooner your life will improve. Remember, Safe People who you can have a close and healthy relationship with, are people who draw you closer. They do not continually destroy your trust. They are peole who value and respect your feelings. Who you feel were meant to be with you, and who are good for you, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Non abusive people will encourage you to be your most loving, growing and 'best' self. They do not deliberately hurt you, and ultimately destroy your self esteem, or your sense of self worth, sanity, and goodness'.