Emotional Day
So I know that I haven't written a journal since I've been on a break this month. Next month is my 3rd IUI with injectibles and I know I should be excited but I'm not. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that just hit me out of nowhere today, which I think may be PMS or something. I was thinking about a lot of things and I had the feeling like I don't want to TTC anymore, is that weird? I'm tired of constantly being disappointed month after month and feeling like my life isn't up to par with everyone elses because of my lack of children. I'm freaggin tired of it and right now I feel sad and angry at the same time. I just cried in the bathroom to get some of it out and I figured writing would make me feel better. Part of me wants to just live my life and accept the fact that I can't get preggo and I can still like my life. I'm even thinking about waiting another month for the third IUI because I don't want to deal with it, it's like I'm running away from it instead of moving towards it.
Is something wrong with me for feeling this way? I hear so many women who can't afford IUI's and IVF's and I feel selfish for feeling this way since my insurance does cover. I just want a break from all of this.
I'm sure my mind will change but this is the way I'm feeling right now. Am I crazy???? I just want to enjoy my life instead of pining over what I don't have ALL the dang time.
Is something wrong with me for feeling this way? I hear so many women who can't afford IUI's and IVF's and I feel selfish for feeling this way since my insurance does cover. I just want a break from all of this.
I'm sure my mind will change but this is the way I'm feeling right now. Am I crazy???? I just want to enjoy my life instead of pining over what I don't have ALL the dang time.
Replies
I can really relate to this. It\'s an up and down struggle. If I could find peace with living childless, I totally would. But I find myself so obsessed with it and it\'s like I just can\'t quit. Taking breaks, however, are good for us and sometimes give us exactly what we need. I hope you find some peace and don\'t feel head if you want to put off the IUI another month or even longer. This stuff is sooo emotionally draining. Good luck hon!
Thank you so much, I do want a baby so bad I\'m just frustrated with everything we are having to do to get there. You are right, this is an emotional roller coaster!
I hear ya girl. I feel like sometimes I dread starting a procedure because i\'m more scared of the negative outcome and lost hope, rather than not wanting to do it. I was forced to take a break this month, as we hadn\'t made our next move decisions in time, and i\'m upset and relieved at the same time. You\'ll know when the right time to move on will be, or when the right time to stop will be. Even when we\'ve lost some faith in the process, have some faith in yourself :-)
Not crazy at all! We all have these feelings! What you are feeling is totally normal. DH and I were just talking about how we feel left behind in life because everyone keeps getting new cars, have kids, go on vacations and we are stuck on the TTC ferris wheel. But we try to focus on all the great things we do have to get us out of our funks. And I think if you want to put of your next IUI another month, then do it. You need to be mentally ready too, not just physically.
I could have written this post myself! I think to myself - does it make me a bad person to just want to give up on all this fertility stuff and throw in the white flag? That is how I feel sometimes. Is it really worth it to have to plan vacations around it, stop doing things I love (working out, running, soccer) and just enjoy being married and happy! I would love to just go travel, adopt more dogs, run another marathon and other things that make me happy. But deep down, I do want to know that I\'ve pulled out all the stops and tried to have children. I\'m actually very excited to TTC \"normally\" this month.
If you need to take another month, off - do! I\'m thinking about the same thing :). It might make you think about it differently and get excited about it. Good luck!
I\'m having the same sort of day hun :( It doesn\'t make us crazy, this is an emotional roller coaster and unfortunately we\'ve had quite a bit of disappointment already. Its difficult to get back at it each month and say yeah I am ready to be disappointed again if that is the outcome.
I battle with the same thing, I feel like I am constantly trying to talk myself out of wanting children....even though deep down I know I want a family. I just don\'t know how much of this I can take before I break or lash out at those around me.
Thinking of you today ((HUGS))
I can totally relate and am feeling the same way right now. I think its normal to want to take a break from TTC and sometimes it can be a good thing. All of the BFNs, medications, etc can become tiring and play a big part on our emotions and bodies. I think taking a break would be a good idea. Just to recoop & relax for a little while. Thinking of you girl. Hugs.
I was feeling very much this way earlier in the year. I was so sure I was pregnant in January - so sure. I had all the signs, was a week late...but then very painful and heavier AF. I never got a positive, but still think I may have been but lost it. I was devastated...I had been so sure. I felt broken inside. I decided I just couldn\'t survive any more. We did an HSG and then decided to take a break. In my heart, I thought I was done. I just didn\'t think I could survive any more of the daily agony of IF. So I started trying to deal with never having a baby. I tried to just find happiness in living my life. It was the most healing decision I could have made. After a few months I started to feel like maybe I could handle seeing an RE.
My point, I guess, is that if you feel the need to take a break - or even just be done and move on with your life - take it or do it. I think we get caught in this \'race\' mentality. We know there is a time limit as we continue to get older and so we feel like we have race to the next procedure or test, while there is still time. It seems counter intuitive to let time pass without actively trying something. This battle beats you down in a way nothing else in my life has done. It can utterly destroy you if you let it. You have to do what is needed to come out the other side in tact.
Take a break, find joy again. And one day, when you\'re healed and ready...you\'ll know.
Thank you so much ladies for reading and giving me the best advice I can possibly get. I honestly don\'t know how I would get through this with you gals. When I\'m feeling helpless and lonely, it\'s nice to know that I have somewhere to turn. I\'m still comtemplating if I should to the next cycle just yet...I\'m giving myself time to really think about it.