emotion

I am not sure what to do with the stuff that I am feeling. I do not quite understand it. Ever since I have been doing the writing for my group I get these times that I am so distracted about my past that I actually try to shake it out of my head. Obviously it doesnt work.At night it is the worst.Not sure how I will get through my Thursday grp. I do not know these people or trust them well enough to give them this, but it is time and I have committed myself.I feel like I should be crying but nothing comes except extreme emotion that I cannot release in any way. Then I get pissed off.I am so afraid that when I actually cry it will be in my grp in front of these guys. That really sucks because I will feel like I am lessthan a man and it will just prove that I am not like other guys just like my mother drilled in my head from the beginning. Not only different but less than.I spent the first partof my life trying to prove that I was worthy of love to my mother and ever since trying to prove that to myself.By the way , I had a good day, it is just difficult especially at night when I slow down and I dont even have to think my past, it is there. All the fear, panic  and pain.I do actually feel that this may help, I just wish that I felt that others really understood and guided. I dont really feel like I know what I am doing, it is just coming.I want to know what to expect, but I know it is different for everyone.  Sorry if this is hard to follow, I have just felt need to get it out as I feel it.