Empty

I really do get tired of the empty feeling that goes with the loss of your child...Sadness, depression seems to come in stages as I continue to deal with Ken being gone...I really don't know if I am better...someways I feel I am not...some say it is harder the second year as the First year we are in a state of shock, numb to the reality, just an effort to make yourself do anything...waking each morning the tears begin as you step out of bed or before...not wanting to take the next breath..the feeling that the heart is so shattered that there is no way to continue beating...the memories of wanting to feel happy but feel that it will never be again...searching asking over and over the question why...why did this happen...re-examining every belief system you ever had...wondering what is real and what is not...thinking of never holding or talking or sharing or laughing with you child again..needing to know, searching to know they are okay...struggling to breath...struggling to walk to the next room...wanting to escape..yet knowing there is not escape...needing someone to just wake you up from the nightmare your in...knowing in your heart that this can not be happening...to you...wondering what did you do wrong...why your faith and trust was not enough..wondering why you could not protect your child....after all that is what mom's do...feelings of anger at something..someone...wanting the pain to stop..wondering how it could be possible...and where does the strength come from to handle your child is gone...Knowing in your heart that parents...parents they go first...knowing that this is not the normal process of life...knowing that if you could you would have traded places...thinking this is not fair...wondering how cruel life is...wanting to scream...yell...make someone take the blame..wondering how to move forward...wondering how life just keeps happening...wearing the mask..oh the old faithful mask put on in public, around others...looking as if we are okay, we are handling it...we are strong...yet knowing behind the mask we are wearing, there is nothing but buckets of tears....a pain like you have never felt before...knowing that your friends don't really understand...wanting to just talk and cry...needing no advise...just needing someone to let you talk...let you cry...just let you be whatever you need to be...someone who has a listening ear...someone who you so much wish could make it better...The Pain...how to survive the Pain...over and over the unbelief...wanting our child back...feeling we can not survive...how can anyone survive the pain of the loss of your child...
The tears have to flow...the pain has to be felt...the "why's" have to be asked...the searching continues...the heart has been broken, the spirit has been broken...we wonder how, how can we move forward...where do we go from now...now that our child has left our world...how...how do we continue...Yet
Somehow we do...somehow each day we wake...each day we get up...each day goes into another day...and then we are one month, two months, three months...and time has a way to keep moving forward...even though we never felt we could breath and do another day...we do...we do not know how...we just do...we do with the help of other's who know how it feels...we do with the help of mom's like this site that understands our pain...that listens to us..that cries with us...that holds us even though maybe not in person..but the mom's they are there with us on this journey each step that we take..
We may just journal, we may talk one to one, we share our story..we find that the mom's here they understand..they know our pain...they have walked in our shoes..they don't try to give us answers or tell us we are wrong...we don't have to wear the mask..we can take them off...we can say exactly how we feel and it's okay...no one tells us we are wrong for how we feel....
Yes, this is a long journey...the steps are small...the sadness is long...the emptiness goes with us daily...we try to move on...Then the first year now becomes the second year and we wonder where have we been...where did the time go...how did I survive...it is different....we seem to survive...how we have no ideal...one day has turned into many days...the answers still left unanswered...the memories of the pain can still be relieved...we are broken and we know we can't be repaired...but we still manage somehow we do continue to be a part of life...sometimes more than other times..but just having not ideal how we move forward....we look back and wonder how did we get to here...We feel we have just existed while the clocks continued to tick...we still don't have answers...