Elks Memorial
The Elks Lodge Memorial Service for deceased members is held the first Sunday in December each year. After I received the letter, I asked my family members if they wanted to go. My sister, niece and great-nephew went with me to the service yesterday. When your loved one's name was called, you could light a candle for them which I felt was very touching.
The main reason I went is because when people see me, they think of my husband. I guess I am his legacy and it is one way that I know he will not be forgotten. He was too special a man to have his memories pushed aside or locked away.
My husband died on May 22, 2009 and sitting here today, I can honestly tell you that he remains the only man I want in my life. Otherwise, I love being on my own, I can take care of myself and my needs, and it doesn't bother me. And sorry for being so blunt, but the mere thought of entertaining another partner in my bedroom makes me physically gag.
I guess some people would think there is really something wrong with me and that I am wasting my life. I believe wasting my life would be crumbled up on the couch after 2-1/2 years and not able to function very well. Instead, I continue to find enjoyment in my days, relish my independence, and am so glad I did not dump my house like I thought I had to in the early days of my grief. I remind myself that I will never be alone for I have my family members that I do things with, and I have a handful of good friends. My mother always said to be with a man because you want to, not because you need to. Well, the truth is I don't want to and I don't need to. The only thing I would like in order to make my life complete is my husband and I have come to terms that it is not going to happen. I find great comfort in wearing my band, keeping my last name, representing my husband, and living on my own.
I was fine at the Elks Memorial yesterday, but today I am in complete meltdown mode. It is events like this that trigger the grief monster to torment me.
The main reason I went is because when people see me, they think of my husband. I guess I am his legacy and it is one way that I know he will not be forgotten. He was too special a man to have his memories pushed aside or locked away.
My husband died on May 22, 2009 and sitting here today, I can honestly tell you that he remains the only man I want in my life. Otherwise, I love being on my own, I can take care of myself and my needs, and it doesn't bother me. And sorry for being so blunt, but the mere thought of entertaining another partner in my bedroom makes me physically gag.
I guess some people would think there is really something wrong with me and that I am wasting my life. I believe wasting my life would be crumbled up on the couch after 2-1/2 years and not able to function very well. Instead, I continue to find enjoyment in my days, relish my independence, and am so glad I did not dump my house like I thought I had to in the early days of my grief. I remind myself that I will never be alone for I have my family members that I do things with, and I have a handful of good friends. My mother always said to be with a man because you want to, not because you need to. Well, the truth is I don't want to and I don't need to. The only thing I would like in order to make my life complete is my husband and I have come to terms that it is not going to happen. I find great comfort in wearing my band, keeping my last name, representing my husband, and living on my own.
I was fine at the Elks Memorial yesterday, but today I am in complete meltdown mode. It is events like this that trigger the grief monster to torment me.
Replies
Debbie,
I\'m glad that you went to the service. Richard was a very lucky man when he found you. Every day we get stronger in who we are now and you are becoming such a strong person.
Grief is not something that makes much sense but having bad days after such good ones seems to be the way it is. I can be up and doing and enjoying my family and grandkids and so blue and down in a few shorts hours, it makes me wonder if I\'m even the same person. Today was probably a very different day too. Don\'t worry about the down days, they are a normal step on this journey.
Take care, hugs,
Kathy