Eight month mark

It's been 8 months today.  Doing ok overall, but get blindsided sometimes by grief that seems to come out of nowhere.  On an intellectual level, I know he's gone, but on some other level I wonder if he is still here all the time, or at least some of the time---I still seek his approval or some sign of acknowledgement that I'm doing ok carrying on with my life and taking care of the kids.  I especially worry about our two adopted children.  How is it possible to lose two dads in such short lives and not have some permanent scarring?  I feel inadequate to address their needs.  Everyone seems ok now, but I have visions of all of them on therapists' couches in the future.  How do I really know if they are doing ok?  I've gotten very good at putting on a public face that reveals no sorrow and can only imagine that could be true of them, as well.  I'm trying to remember that I'm really not in charge and that I need to just turn it over to God.  Hoping that someday that big hole in my heart will be mended.  It's weird how the pain of grief can feel so physical that even knowing nothing about anatomy, anyone of us could point directly to where our heart is just by knowing where we feel that empty pain....slowly subsiding but still very real.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

i am soo sorry, about your husband, i can say, i know exactly how you feel, the fake happy face, so no one will notice, your thinking about the life that you once had. its crazy,.. its been 8 1/2 months, 2 april, 2009, since i lost my Kelly, she had Kidney failure, and was on dailsis, then got a infection, had a operation, and never recovered, from the surgery, she came back, talking, and everything, but just did not get better, 17 days , in the ICU, and she was gone,.. ive had some pertty bad days, and ok ones too, ive found many friends here, who are wonderfull , caring, loving individuals, who feel just like us. your friend, Dave
wannabebeachbum
wannabebeachbum

Dave- That must have been such a hard thing to go through. Jeff went without warning, so I feel cheated that I didn\'t get to say goodbye, but I\'m also thankful that he didn\'t suffer for a long time. I hope your heart is healing. I know we will always bear a scar from these days, but I\'m hopeful we will also keep the important lessons we\'ve learned about appreciating every day you have with the ones you love. Hope you have a great weekend. CJ