Eight month mark
It's been 8 months today. Doing ok overall, but get blindsided sometimes by grief that seems to come out of nowhere. On an intellectual level, I know he's gone, but on some other level I wonder if he is still here all the time, or at least some of the time---I still seek his approval or some sign of acknowledgement that I'm doing ok carrying on with my life and taking care of the kids. I especially worry about our two adopted children. How is it possible to lose two dads in such short lives and not have some permanent scarring? I feel inadequate to address their needs. Everyone seems ok now, but I have visions of all of them on therapists' couches in the future. How do I really know if they are doing ok? I've gotten very good at putting on a public face that reveals no sorrow and can only imagine that could be true of them, as well. I'm trying to remember that I'm really not in charge and that I need to just turn it over to God. Hoping that someday that big hole in my heart will be mended. It's weird how the pain of grief can feel so physical that even knowing nothing about anatomy, anyone of us could point directly to where our heart is just by knowing where we feel that empty pain....slowly subsiding but still very real.