Educating others and breaking the silence... it may finally be time.
I have a lovely friend who is funny, smart, and just an all-around beautiful person. She lives in another city, so I don't get to see her often. We met through work, and became good friends pretty quickly. She is one of the few who know about our IF struggle, but not to the extent that she could because I find it so hard to talk about, so I don't share much. Today, I got a text from her joking that she had volunteered me to help her throw a baby shower for a mutual friend. We used to do that kind of thing and it used to be fun.
Bad.Timing.
We had our IVF info session last night, and man, I gotta say that the nagging voice in the corner of my mind saying, "Maybe adoption?", is sounding better and better. IVF sounds terrifying. Not because of the potential for pain (the doc compared some womens' egg retrievals to an HSG, pain-wise. I was in horrid pain during the HSG...), but because of the emotional rollercoaster involved. I don't know if I have it in me to put myself in such a very vulnerable place and then a) not get pregnant or b) miscarry.... All of the shots, bloodwork, and ultrasounds. I know miscarriage can happen in any pregnancy, but I somehow feel that the grueling process of IVF and its status as our last option would kill me a little more than other situations if we lost the baby. I truly admire those couples who have done IVF, and especially those for whom it hasn't worked. I really wish I was that brave. To be quite honest, I have never relished the idea of being pregnant. I have never felt the pull to experience kicking and movement of someone growing inside me. But I would sooo do it to get the end result. I just want a child. So badly. And DH wanted to do it the old-fashioned way... Haha... yeah...So we stayed up late after the session talking about what we'd learned and how it relates to us. And I called an adoption agency this morning to ask some questions. And I grieved this situation once again. I would adopt tomorrow... today! if my DH was on the same page. He's at least on the same chapter, though, so that's comforting. He wants to know more about adoption and the process. My sister is adopted, so I'm familiar with that side of it, and maybe that's why i think it's such a fantastic idea. She is absolutely the best big sis I could ever ask for. I've never known life without her, so I often forget we don't share bloodlines.
Anyway...
So to get a text about a babyshower that I would supposedly be co-hosting was bad timing. This friend is single and childless. And she is living life as it comes. And I am jealous of that. I know she's lonely sometimes, and she wants kids someday, but she accepts where she is much more easily than I do my own situation. I know she didn't mean anything malicious about it all, so I'm not mad at her. I actually think I handled it quite well. I texted back with honest and raw emotions about how I just can't be near pregnant women right now. And about how conflicted I feel about that, because part of me wants to do the shower and celebrate new life, but a MUCH bigger part of me is hiding under the bed in my brain screaming, "No, no, no!". She texted back sincere apologies and wants to talk this weekend. She wants to be here for me. She responded to my hurt the way a true friend should. She made a mistake, but she didn't know it until I fessed up to where I'm really at emotionally.
So, I think it is finally time for me to cry in public, if you will. I think it's time for me to stop avoiding the people who may say things that hurt, so I can be real. Both to educate them and to help me heal. The psychologist at the session last night said that it's common to isolate oneself during IF treatments, but that it isn't always healthy. I'm in the unhealthy stage, I think. So I reached out to a friend (with six kids) on facebook today, because I miss her. I will be vulnerable so I can really heal. So I can have more support and less secrecy. So I can move on. I wrote an entry about acceptance a while ago. I don't think I can really accept all of this if I keep hiding it. I shouldn't be the one feeling bad that someone made a comment about kids, pregnancy, etc ,and why I don't have any of that, that hurt me. So I should maybe educate people by explaining where I'm at. My friend didn't mean to hurt me with her text, but she did. But can I really blame her when I have put on a tough face and not taught her how to treat me and my IF situation? I don't think so. The anger can come if someone I've shared my boundaries with crosses them.
I feel more hopeful for acceptance of this journey today than I have in a while. Through her actions, my friend taught me that I need to teach others that I need sensitivity because I'm broken right now. And that's gonna require some truth and vulnerability on my part. I'm getting really tired of avoiding people...
Peace, Love, Hope.
Bad.Timing.
We had our IVF info session last night, and man, I gotta say that the nagging voice in the corner of my mind saying, "Maybe adoption?", is sounding better and better. IVF sounds terrifying. Not because of the potential for pain (the doc compared some womens' egg retrievals to an HSG, pain-wise. I was in horrid pain during the HSG...), but because of the emotional rollercoaster involved. I don't know if I have it in me to put myself in such a very vulnerable place and then a) not get pregnant or b) miscarry.... All of the shots, bloodwork, and ultrasounds. I know miscarriage can happen in any pregnancy, but I somehow feel that the grueling process of IVF and its status as our last option would kill me a little more than other situations if we lost the baby. I truly admire those couples who have done IVF, and especially those for whom it hasn't worked. I really wish I was that brave. To be quite honest, I have never relished the idea of being pregnant. I have never felt the pull to experience kicking and movement of someone growing inside me. But I would sooo do it to get the end result. I just want a child. So badly. And DH wanted to do it the old-fashioned way... Haha... yeah...So we stayed up late after the session talking about what we'd learned and how it relates to us. And I called an adoption agency this morning to ask some questions. And I grieved this situation once again. I would adopt tomorrow... today! if my DH was on the same page. He's at least on the same chapter, though, so that's comforting. He wants to know more about adoption and the process. My sister is adopted, so I'm familiar with that side of it, and maybe that's why i think it's such a fantastic idea. She is absolutely the best big sis I could ever ask for. I've never known life without her, so I often forget we don't share bloodlines.
Anyway...
So to get a text about a babyshower that I would supposedly be co-hosting was bad timing. This friend is single and childless. And she is living life as it comes. And I am jealous of that. I know she's lonely sometimes, and she wants kids someday, but she accepts where she is much more easily than I do my own situation. I know she didn't mean anything malicious about it all, so I'm not mad at her. I actually think I handled it quite well. I texted back with honest and raw emotions about how I just can't be near pregnant women right now. And about how conflicted I feel about that, because part of me wants to do the shower and celebrate new life, but a MUCH bigger part of me is hiding under the bed in my brain screaming, "No, no, no!". She texted back sincere apologies and wants to talk this weekend. She wants to be here for me. She responded to my hurt the way a true friend should. She made a mistake, but she didn't know it until I fessed up to where I'm really at emotionally.
So, I think it is finally time for me to cry in public, if you will. I think it's time for me to stop avoiding the people who may say things that hurt, so I can be real. Both to educate them and to help me heal. The psychologist at the session last night said that it's common to isolate oneself during IF treatments, but that it isn't always healthy. I'm in the unhealthy stage, I think. So I reached out to a friend (with six kids) on facebook today, because I miss her. I will be vulnerable so I can really heal. So I can have more support and less secrecy. So I can move on. I wrote an entry about acceptance a while ago. I don't think I can really accept all of this if I keep hiding it. I shouldn't be the one feeling bad that someone made a comment about kids, pregnancy, etc ,and why I don't have any of that, that hurt me. So I should maybe educate people by explaining where I'm at. My friend didn't mean to hurt me with her text, but she did. But can I really blame her when I have put on a tough face and not taught her how to treat me and my IF situation? I don't think so. The anger can come if someone I've shared my boundaries with crosses them.
I feel more hopeful for acceptance of this journey today than I have in a while. Through her actions, my friend taught me that I need to teach others that I need sensitivity because I'm broken right now. And that's gonna require some truth and vulnerability on my part. I'm getting really tired of avoiding people...
Peace, Love, Hope.
Replies
I\'m glad DH is on the same chapter regarding adoption. And I\'m really happy you have a wonderful, supportive friend. You\'re very brave to educate people and heal. Every time I tried, I had a complete public breakdown (literally). Looking forward to hearing what you and DH decide to do going forward :)
For some reason, when it comes to IVF, I find it helpful to talk to people and be open. Plus, I also can\'t lie, so being late and out of work all the time (not my character!) was awkward without being honest. I think I get less dumb comments from people because they know what I\'ve been through. I also don\'t mind correcting people who assume things or say, \"it has to work!\" And now that we are finally pregnant, we still tell ppl. how we got here. But it is about what you are comfortable with, and not everyone feels they can be so open. For me, it just brought relief, and it was nice to have people\'s support.
As for the other thoughts in your head, I get it. I wasn\'t worried for my first IVF, I really thought it would work. But come my second, I was like \"What am I getting myself into?\" Ultimately, I couldn\'t stop yet, but I wondered when I eventually would, or who I would become. I know a couple at work that stopped before IVF and is in the adoption process, the emotional aspect of the IVF was just too much.
I love this journal. Thank you for sharing. I\'m glad the hubby is at least in the same chapter as you, and I hope you guys get on the same page for adoption really soon. Whatever you decide to IVF/Adoption, I wish you the best of luck.
I can understand your fear of IVF. I\'m there too. I am close to beginning a cycle, and knowing the process in detail scared the crap out of me. I also can understand where you are at with wanting to be more open. I want to be more open and in a way I\'m doing it. I decided that when anyone asks about kids I\'ll answer with \"I would love to have kids, but we have not had much luck trying, so I don\'t know what the future holds for us\". Very true, not too informative, but I hope it\'s enough to get people to back off. I\'ve only said it once and it felt really good. I like your idea of letting people know that their words are hurtful and why. And to explain that you are just broken right now. I hope you don\'t mind me borrowing that idea. I actually wrote a blog (just in word wright now) that I want to post and share during IF awareness week. I debate posting it anonymously, then sharing the link. If people figure out I wrote it, that\'s OK. If not, that\'s ok too. Maybe I\'ll go share it in my journals now :)
Anyways, thank you again for sharing. It\'s so nice to know others are feeling the same things. I hope writing helped.
Beautiful journal.
Thank you all for letting me know that I\'m not alone in this. I tend to just write what\'s on my heart, so I\'m glad my feelings and words mean something to others, too.
@PolkaDotGirl : I am keeping a well stocked supply of tissues at hand, because I\'m pretty sure I\'m gonna break down in public once in a while.
@quitethepickle: It really is so much more comforting to me to be open. I don\'t do secrecy well.... It feels like dishonesty when in relation to talking to those close to me.
@MRSstrong: Borrow away :) I\'m glad you\'re breaking the silence, too - and the wording you chose is very classy. I\'m gonna head over to your journal next; I\'d love to read your blog entry :)
I hope you\'re all very proud of the bravery you have shown acknowledging your journey, no matter how you do it. I\'ll be thinking of you all and sending you best wishes!! :)