Ed's Angel Date
Ed's second Angel date was a week ago Sunday, September 4th. I think this one was harder than the first for some reason. Joshua & Christina (Ed's children) their mother, several friends of Eddie's and my ex husband (Ed's father) and Ken & I met at the cemetery. We brought flowers, I wrote Ed a letter and we grieved together. My ex husband took it hard since he has a lot of guilt for abandoning his son and this was the first time he had visited the grave since Joshua didn't want him around prior to this. Joshua has had a change of heart and now will allow the ex to visit the cemetery. Joshua is trying to forgive.
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Replies