eating food....

i think me and my baby have come to a comprimise.... its finally letting me eat. two days now... and i have eaten solid food, not much... but normal food anyway. and as long as i dont push it or no one comes and says how ya holdin that down... i seem to be able to keep something down.  whew. the two days i have where i havent felt nauteous all day are a blessing in itself... im not ready to be on my feet all day yet, but i can move... and i like moving. i dont like sitting around waiting to puke doing nothing... its awful and doesnt help me get my mind off of him. i had another conversation with him, i broke down on the phone, asking him to at least just try to come to one counseling meeting with me, just to talk.. he refused. because of the military protection order against him, people have to listen to his side of the phone conversation, (his superiors)  he kept saying things like stop cussing, when i wasnt even cursing.. trying to make me look like a crazy person. i made him say it in front of them though, that he didnt want me or the baby. i told him to quit lying to me and quit lying to everyone. he said it... it hurt... it hurt bad, but he said it, in front of other people.  he says he tried real hard to make things work... all lies... oops, we had a couple rough months.... what kind of weak minded fool could walk away... i told him he was a liar... for saying he loved me.... for asking me to trust him... and i told him he was petty and inconsiderate and unjust. i guess i can forgive him for being stupid... no, no i cant right now. but in the future i can forgive myself for falling for it.  and i will not lie to my child if he/she asks what happened... i cannot. i want my kid to be raised in truth. i dont believe in sugarcoating... if something is to harsh, it can be explained later. things would be so much easier if people just said what they meant... or said they did not wish to discuss it. no reason to lie about things. and thats just everything in general, not just my situation.  but i can feel my baby in there, i keep imagining it wiggling like i saw on the ultrasound... feels like bubbles kinda... im actually starting to have feelings for the baby. i was worried i wouldnt. my mother came over here today, badmouthing me to my step mom.  she is angry that my step mom said i could stay here, she thinks i should have been left to the streets to "learn from my mistakes"  i refuse to talk to her as of right now... she has hurt me, and see's no wrong in what she does. she doesnt see that most of the problems that are in my life, are because of the way SHE treated me. and i come to this conclusion after alot of research within myself. i was not born depressed and confused. and even after everythign that has happpened to me i still have a kindness in my heart... and that does not come from her. it scares me, and i know anyone from an abusivve background gets scared when they look at parenting themselves... i never want my kid to feel about me the way i feel about my mother.... when my kid needs me i will be there... sure... if they have done wrong i can say so... but if they ever need me, to just be a shoulder someday... i will be there, because i will love them, no matter what. ive never asked for help before now... i can hold down a job... sure, i have some issues, mostly i get in these situations because of men, cause i was looking for that love i never got. how can she ridicule me because of a crossroads in my life??? its one thing to say you are done with me... but then why pry in my business, tell my younger sisters i am a whore and dont know who my baby's daddy is.... and bad mouth me and make up obscene stories about me and tell everyone you can??? and i found out today, from one of my sisters, that she had talked to matt, and said some bad things about me... maybe she put some of these ideas in his head.  my sister got grounded for trying to stick up for me. why would she even want to talk to my BF??? i swear, i have no love for that woman... once my sisters grow up, i never want to talk to her again... there are just so many things going through my mind. it just races with thoughts and emotions. on a good note... i will be going to visit my friend in ohio soon.... i am exited about that... it will be so nice to be away...  we have been friends for years, we tried getting together once, and just ended up better friends... but out of so many people i know in this world... he knows how to make me laugh or feel better, or just feel ok. no matter what is happening. we are goofy, like little kids... and sit and make jokes about brocolli, or whatever comes to mind. we understand each other... and he is probably the last male on this earth that i trust. but its good to have a friend like that. he will never judge me, he will not lie to me... if he doesnt want to talk then we dont talk for 6 months...  our friendship and understanding has been proven through trial and error. i met him 6-7 years ago... he has seen my best and my worst... and i him... and we just dont care or think twice. i even told him i could no longer have contact with him at all once beccause of a boyfriend who was jealous... 7 months later he was there to return my e mails of apology, and we started a long goofy e mail conversation about turnips and never turned back. he only gives his opinion if i ask for it or need it, and never tries to sway me in any direction. many times i have thought that i should have married him, or ran off with him when we thought about it... i regret that time... i turned on him.... i wasnt ready i guess, and i was a royal bitch.. that time i did sabotage everything... and it took alot to recover and keep our friendship alive.who knows, we are both older now. that was 4 years ago since i saw him last. im not counting on anything, and the last thing i need is to run and jump into a relationship... but there would be no jumping. he lives the whole united states away from me.. i just feel safe around him... and feeling safe is something i need right now. im rambling on... but im exited... he thinks its neat im having a baby, he had a vasectomy, he loves kids, but thought he would rather adopt if he ever came to that point in his life.  he has one year of college left and is finally getting off his ass to do it. it will just be nice to see him. and be away from here. and not have to worry about matt... i dont wish to speak to him, or hear his voice... or see him. it will only upset me and make me want to drop to me knees and beg him to not abandon me. i think thats it. its not HIM leaving... its the fact that i am being abandoned... i have a huge fear of abandonement. and that is what i cant get over... the aching in my chest saying not again. saying please dont leave me... please understand me.. please love me... please dont reject me... please tell me im good enough... it has to end someday... this will pass too right???