Eating Disorder Story

It all started when i was 12 years old and i started to restrict food. i'd skip breakfast and wait till the afternoon to eat.  later i felt more pressured by the people and things around me.  i became more socially withdrawn and depressed.  i was depressed from the things that were said to me.  my mom would say a lot of hurtful things to me such as you're stupid, you're useless and worthless, you can't do anything right, you're brainless, something's wrong with you, everyone else succeeds in their lives and you fail at everything you do, or you're an empty person.  A lot of these things that were said to me still triggers my eating disorder.  When i was 15, it was one of the most darkest times.  i was completely socially withdrawn and i had suicidal attempts.  Then at first i was afraid of throwing up so i did some research. i remembered while taking a shower one day and i purged for the first time in the shower. then i after i threw up for the first time, i thought that it was the answer to all my problems. then i kept on throwing up my dinner every night in the shower. After that i started to watch movies about eating disorders & noticed that bulimics puke in the toilet. So i started to throw up in the toilet and thought that i felt even more better. Soon after that i would binge and purge 2 to 3 times. So now for almost 3 years I've been struggling with bulimia on and off until now. The only person who I've told is my close friend and one of my cousins. They both said that i don't need to do this to myself and that i'm beautiful but i don't believe them. i feel like i cant really stop.