Eating Again
It's quite hard for me to say that. I feel like I've failed. I know I shouldn't but I do. I feel like I'm going to lose control of my feelings again. When I stopped eating all those thoughts that I couldn't control and made me feel so unsafe just slowly calmed down and went away. But I know this isn't the answer which is why I'm forcing myself to start again. I'm just dreading all those feelings to come to the surface again. It scares me but as my therapist keeps telling me...it's where I need to be to be able to work on them. ...........................................................................................................Well...maybe you could define 'eating again'. I'm eating food at least and not resorting to ensures or liquids to keep me going. But now I think it's more eating food to keep me going rather than eating again. I've had one meal... shit!I'm really worried about tomorrow because I am at Day Patients for 3 meals. Lunch and Morning and Afternoon snack. If I complete those I will have had more than I've had over the whole weekend O_O I'm scared!I've spent tonight writing a letter *as scheduled* to my therapist about how I feel about my therapy. On Friday he sat down with me in my session and we made a schedule for my weekend incase my thoughts/urges came back. The idea was to stick to the schedule even if I was having them. Part of that schedule was for me to write a letter to him talking about my therapy. It's pretty long actually and I was suprised at how much came out onto paper.During that session he also wrote down things to do incase of emergancy if the thoughts were getting too much. This is to use whenever really, not just for the weekend just gone. The last thing he gave me was a prompt card. He actually sat down in the session and made this little credit card sized prompt card for me. He said "this is a present from the clinic to you and it's to be used if you feel like you can't hold back on the urges anymore. At least just look at this card before you do anything". All it has on it are the letters DBD....standing for "Don't Be Daft". He told me to put it in my wallet where I would have it with me all the time. It makes me smile at the moment everytime I see it so I can only hope it will bring me out of a completely hopeless feeling if I need it.
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