Easy Does It
Anniversary today. 37 years since I took the vows. It feels pretty shitty to be celebrating with the emotional chaos of divorce considerations. Emotional chaos might be an understatement. I am spinning from possibility A to possibility z-2 at the speed of an endocrine release.
I am working to let that be okay. As several people in my therapy network have pointed out along my recovery road, "It is a sign of intelligence. It shows you are paying attention." Indeed, I am not simply deciding which shoes need to be culled from the wardrobe. This morning's meditations find me with images of a desert sandstorm with low visibility through the harsh, fast moving sand pellets. Not a good time to attempt finding my orientation. *Just* hunker down and wait out the storm.
There is a Salvation Army activity center within eye shot of the motel I am currently staying in. There is a chapel within that activity center which is holding a service at 10:00. I am making plans to go.
Taking ^it^ in itsy bitsy baby steps.
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I volunteered with the Salvation Army one summer after floods in Pittsburgh. In that time, they impressed me tremendously. They have a way of cutting to the chase, and using the best that anyone and everyone has to offer. At 20 years old, I was offered a position on the local board (which I turned down). I'm not even sure whether it's the "help" that they give that helps the most, or the "usefulness" that they offer. There wasn't one example, but hundreds.
Atta way, good decision to take and put yourself amongst other people. Last month was 39 year anniversary, spent the day alone as I expected to anyway. Being alone and being sole caregiver for special needs son is a double edge sword of plenty to keep me busy and not enough me-time to actually be out with others enjoying anyone else's company. I know I'm not in a bad unsafe place but being with others could do a lot on my own healing.
You pain sounds all consuming....yet please know your strength is surpassing the pain by seeking help from your strong faith and in the company of others...not isolating...Hug Hugs Arfie as you "hunker down" for the day. If you journey...I hope you will find a river to fill your soul....
Last week I passed mine with John, alone and yeah very hurt. I know the situation is not the same, since it was not divorce or lack of wanting that made the change. This is yours to sort, but I can tell you I would give anything to even get a text now. A bridge of real communication even if it is bumpy.
Hugs my friend, enjoy your time today in the best way you can.
J.
Hubs is the romantic of the family. When he's not busy being busy, he is one hell of a poet. I'm the pragmatist. I confess to having been mean with more than one of the romantic gestures more traditional women have claimed they would die for. I don't do girlie girl very well. I strongly suspect that hubs is afraid to send me his romantic text. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if he has dedicated weeks to its crafting. It was only yesterday that I rebuffed one of those romantic gestures. The rebuff wasn't about our anniversary. Is there a nice way to rebuff a romantic gesture?
It's killing me that my pragmatic best hasn't brought me the grace to play my part in the show this morning. . .
i noticed a noteworthy plant in a garden as i walked to work a few days ago. i decided that if i were to see it again i'd photograph it. i did and i did. it is now on my lockscreen and it is my avatar here. it is so strange, it is a huge seed pod. on a beautiful plant. and it gives me such a warm good feeling every time i see it. it is just something that came to me and i accepted it and keep it. it feels so good. i mentioned to my dbt group leader... just mentioned it because it is that good self soothing thing that grounds me some how. it is warm and caring. it came from elsewhere and now it is here.