Easter...

well I just woke up and the first thoughts are of my ex psychopath and mean stuff that he said and did, then my mind shifts to a thought of what he’s doing with his girl friend or should I say victim? That’s really the only way I can not go completely insaine because I know what she had got to deal with and I do feel sorry for her, yet  it still does hurt me, BAD!!!  he had her lined up right after we broke up so I’m sure he was cheating on me with her ( plus he has now cheated on her with me, he told me they broke up but I’m sure he’s lying).....treating me horrible when in the love bombing stage for her, ( yet he still cheats on her)  he barely ever had money when we were together now he has his own business and is doing really good at least that’s the last I heard, ( he always has to tell me how much money he’s making now) he always made it a competition between us I could never understand that I wanted to take on the world with him I thought we both had mental issues ( at that time I had no idea the extent of his issues were so pathological) and I could help him but he wouldn’t have that, he always was my biggest enemy, he saw me a competition it was stupid things he always had to have the best better than me be “top dog” , but after reading about why psychopaths do what they do/ how they think it makes scense. They really think they are superior to everyone else and they look at compassionate, empathetic, loving people as weak. (How sick is that)

its really hard to comprehend that there are people like this out there they are truly pretadors always looking for there next victim to fool and tear down...  I hope and prey none  of you reading this never comes across one because your life will be turned upside down and you will lose all sense of what your reality once was.

His face would actually change the look in his eye would become dead no life in his eyes before he would abuse me usually it would start out with him screaming at the top of his lungs in my face... he has chocked me so bad that I passed out, my throat wasn’t right for a year after still to this day if I wear something that touches my neck it sometimes feels weird,  left bruises all over my body, shoved me so hard a few times into furniture and fell so hard my whole leg was messed up,and once my head, used to try and intimidate me with his knifes, have put knifes to my throat (as a scare tactic) slapped, bit, kicked me, and has raped me,as well as saying such horrible vile things that you would not say to your worst enemy, has stolen my journals and used them against me, stole my SIM card from my old phone, destroyed other property of mine kicked a hole in the outside of the house I rent it can’t even be fixed... if honesty he turned out to be a serial killer it wouldn’t surprise me that’s how crazy he is, yet he has all his customers fooled they think he is just the nicest guy trying to get his life straight I think a lot of them feel sorry for him cos he plays that card a lot

even after all of that I still fight daily to get over him it’s because all the twisted mental trauma they do, it’s all a game of getting what they want, he fell in love with me ( his own sick twisted love  not real love because they are incapable) and he did everything in his power to get me to fall in love with him, my gut always told me something was not right with him but by the time I found out for sure it was to late... and as soon as I fell in love with him he started the mind fucks, pulling away coming close, pulling away, coming close, when your in the mist of that you can’t see reality all you can feel is love, rejection over and over also with them blaming you for everything you start to question is it me? He used to purposely do things to make me jealous then would scream at me for questioning him about stuff, tell his friends how “controlling” I was yet this was the person that took the three inside doors off the hinges so he could watch me at all times!!! I mean that’s how insaine it got, I had to move to a different state to get away from him yet just to come back to him it was so sick I’m embarrassed to be writing this but it’s reality and I can no longer be in denial!

We have been broken up for the last year (this month in fact) yet in the past year he keeps coming around,about once every month the most has been two months  at first I thought it was because he missed me and even though hes toxic I still was trapped in this fog of addiction to him so I would let him back most every time, so when I saw him last week and took off that was the first time that I was in his presence and took the first step to get away, yet starting the next day I started to spiral downwards and it’s been ever since, I try to put on this act to him like I don’t care and he doesn’t bother me ( because the worst thing you can do with a psychopath is show any type of emotion) but inside I’m dying and he couldn’t give a shit all he thinks about is himself and his twisted needs, if u can’t tell I suffer from ptsd from that relationship and feel as though I’m obsessed and I try so hard to distract myself by walking, art, yoga, journals but it still takes over me, will there ever come a time when it doesn’t? Everywhere says yes I will reach a point where nothing about him matters, I hope it comes soon cos I really can’t take much more, and when I saw him last week he was smiling and being nice then I just took off so I’m sure that crushed his ego so maybe he will say fuck it this time and finally leave me alone, I never call or text him he always does it first then I become weak and answer or open the door, I can’t grasp why I still have feelings of anything but disgust with him, maybe because he’s the only guy I have been with in eight years ( ever since I moved to where I live now) to be honest I have barely seen anybody I have been attracted to besides him, so I still have this addiction yet I am repulsed at the same time, can anyone imagine what this feels like? It feels like I should be in a mental hospital but I’m sure all they would do is to pump me up with a bunch of drugs and I would be a zombie so that’s not happening so my only other choice is to beat this on my own I’m trying to get another job so that means I will be working 12-14 hour days ( I hope my body lets me, because ones doing hair and ones Bartending so it’s rough) Im hoping that will make me forget about him at least for a few hours!! But there is always a chance he will come into the restaurant he does go out to eat a lot and my car is different so I’m easy to find and this town isn’t big if he finds out where I works he purposely comes in just to mess with my head and he knows me well enough even if I’m not showing it on the outside I’m screaming on the inside, I have already lost 3 jobs because of him I will never let that happen again!

i know time and no contact is what I need but as long as he’s in NC he lives 10 minutes down the street from me I still live in the house where we lived together and all the abuse took place if I could move I would I think that would help me tremendously, I sleep in the same bed we used to, I witness daily places in this house where he has beat me, and to think I’m in all this darkness and he’s just living his life to the fullest probably happy well as much as a psychopath can be

i have to show myself self love, self respect, take care of a wounded inner child who I have had for my whole life but now just willing to see... I know all this but why if I know can’t I do it ???? That’s the question that spins in my head every article says that it’s “normal” to feel this way but IT DOESNT FEEL NORMAL!!!! 

Well that’s my rant for now I doubt anyone will have read it this far and if u did thank u.... I have to find the strength to make it threw this or I am done, he has taken everything from me I hope it’s not my life as well...