Earth Day & Mike Jr's Birthday & Mike Sr.
Today would of been Mike's 26th birthday.Spent the day keeping busy and answering the many messages I received from family and friends.They all wanted to know how I was doing and it was rocky but I managed it one hour at a time.I just pray the Angels baked a cake and gave Mike the day he deserved.If he was here,it would of been a family dinner and cake w/ice cream.And it would of been fun.I always tried putting butter on the kids noses and they would in turn try and get me with frosting.I remember a year we had a food fight and it was awesome.It's all the memories and pictures that keep me going.
I barely say anything about my husband Mike.It's a complicated situation.He seems to think this only happened to him and that I hated my son.Which is cruel and not true.I loved Mike more than anything.Mike Sr is very bitter and angry,he drinks a lot and I have learned to block him out at times.Since Mike Jr passed,Mike Sr has made it clear he wants to be with his son.He doesn't want to be here on earth.I hear this everyday,every night and it's a constant thing.It hurts me our son Dan and our daughter Jess but they have custom to it and say nothing about it.It's a battle and when he's yelling at God...it's hard.He doesn't understand why God won't take him?Every night I hear if I die in my sleep,I'll see u when u get there and if I wake up then I'll see u then.So dealing with my husband and Mike's death plus keeping up with family is a chore in it self.I'm just thankful I can get this off my mind finally.It's a weight that I hate carrying.
The sad part of this day and dealing with Mike today,my support system is in Rhode Island.I could make one phone call and everything would be ok.I miss that very much.Plus Mike Jr. is buried in Rhode Island,I use to take care of his grave site every day.Now my mom does it once in awhile.It makes me sick that I can't do it,everyone says he's not there.Well...maybe you think that but that is where his body is and that is his forever home.I would like it to be kept up,it's the one thing I could do for Mike Jr.I don't have friends here,just a few family members that I don't see often.The reason we moved here was our son Dan lived here and Mike Sr wanted to be closer to him.I'm home alone all day,I work online and my husband doesn't want me to get a job,well that changes daily-depends on the time of day or night.It's very lonely and depressing.I skype with my daughter and granddaughter but that's only when my daughter feels like it.My friends and family want me to move back to Rhode Island but I want to but I can't just leave Dan and Mike Sr.I wish my daughter would move to NC but she won't because of her father's drinking.She doesn't want her daughter around it.So Mike Sr..has dashed that happening.I would love to go home to see family and friends.But I can't,Mike Sr. has thrown in my face that I have had 5 vacations already and put us in a deep hole.I didn't know going home to see the grandbaby and daughter were a vacation.And all our bills are paid so I have no idea why he's being so mean.It sucks because I so want to go to Rhode Island in July.I don't understand why Mike is like that...he has changed alot and I just don't know...I have said enough and I usually don't say anything but once again the weight was getting heavy.And consulting is out of the question...just take it as it comes..one day at a time.
I barely say anything about my husband Mike.It's a complicated situation.He seems to think this only happened to him and that I hated my son.Which is cruel and not true.I loved Mike more than anything.Mike Sr is very bitter and angry,he drinks a lot and I have learned to block him out at times.Since Mike Jr passed,Mike Sr has made it clear he wants to be with his son.He doesn't want to be here on earth.I hear this everyday,every night and it's a constant thing.It hurts me our son Dan and our daughter Jess but they have custom to it and say nothing about it.It's a battle and when he's yelling at God...it's hard.He doesn't understand why God won't take him?Every night I hear if I die in my sleep,I'll see u when u get there and if I wake up then I'll see u then.So dealing with my husband and Mike's death plus keeping up with family is a chore in it self.I'm just thankful I can get this off my mind finally.It's a weight that I hate carrying.
The sad part of this day and dealing with Mike today,my support system is in Rhode Island.I could make one phone call and everything would be ok.I miss that very much.Plus Mike Jr. is buried in Rhode Island,I use to take care of his grave site every day.Now my mom does it once in awhile.It makes me sick that I can't do it,everyone says he's not there.Well...maybe you think that but that is where his body is and that is his forever home.I would like it to be kept up,it's the one thing I could do for Mike Jr.I don't have friends here,just a few family members that I don't see often.The reason we moved here was our son Dan lived here and Mike Sr wanted to be closer to him.I'm home alone all day,I work online and my husband doesn't want me to get a job,well that changes daily-depends on the time of day or night.It's very lonely and depressing.I skype with my daughter and granddaughter but that's only when my daughter feels like it.My friends and family want me to move back to Rhode Island but I want to but I can't just leave Dan and Mike Sr.I wish my daughter would move to NC but she won't because of her father's drinking.She doesn't want her daughter around it.So Mike Sr..has dashed that happening.I would love to go home to see family and friends.But I can't,Mike Sr. has thrown in my face that I have had 5 vacations already and put us in a deep hole.I didn't know going home to see the grandbaby and daughter were a vacation.And all our bills are paid so I have no idea why he's being so mean.It sucks because I so want to go to Rhode Island in July.I don't understand why Mike is like that...he has changed alot and I just don't know...I have said enough and I usually don't say anything but once again the weight was getting heavy.And consulting is out of the question...just take it as it comes..one day at a time.
Replies
It think it\'s important and very healing for you to finally be letting some of this out. I\'ve always found a great release in sharing it all...the good, the bad, the ugly...the pain, the fear, the anger, and eventually, the joy and LIFE again.
I\'m sorry Dan is struggling so, and how could he not be....BUT, I know for sure crawling into a bottle and wishing only to die is not the answer. I tried. Thankfully, I found the grit I needed, or whatever it was/is, and made up my mind to figure out a healthy way to begin healing. I hope this for your husband. It\'s sad that too many men don\'t reach out for REAL help. Not sure if it\'s a macho thing or what, but it\'s sad. As women, we naturally (usually) share our hearts and in doing so, I think we heal more fully...as fully as we can while on this side anyway.
My love and prayers for you and your husband~~
I share you view on the cemetery,, we go every sunday,,, we trim the grass,,, keep it neat,,, nice flowers and garden flags,,, because it is her resting place.... so sorry to hear you are so faraway from home,,, Skype is great but nothing like holding that grandbaby.... love ya!
I am sorry that you feel so isolated. You do have your sisters here to vent to and that is something. I understand what you mean about his body being there. You grew that body after all, didn\'t you. His soul is not there, but that is not what you held in your hand, is it? Feel what you need and ask for what you can to the people you can trust. Caring and prayers, Lauri
It\'s a good and healthy thing to voice your frustrations, your pain, your anger, it is not good to hold them in. That is what Mike Sr. is doing, he\'s struggling to cope and he doesn\'t see the pain he\'s causing. I still go to bed every night hoping I won\'t wake up, maybe that will be the case every day for the rest of my life. April\'s Dad has never been a drinker (not even a beer now and then) but he was so angry at her for over two years that it was painful to talk to him (he lives 150 miles away). Now, it\'s hitting him and he has a weird pain no one can diagnose. He\'s had every test known to science, the most recent yesterday. At this point he glows in the dark. And they can\'t find what is causing his pain, but I know. The toll such tragedy takes on the people who loved he or she who is gone is enormous. It isn\'t fair, no. Why, indeed, good question. My heart to yours dear sister.
I can understand your desire to visit your son\'s grave. It is comforting.
So sorry that your husband is so difficult to deal with. I am sure he doesn\'t know how to express his grief in a positive way. Lashing out is his way. And of course the alcohol makes things much worse. It is worrisome that he is wanting to be with Mike Jr. Would he see a counselor? I know many men think it is unmanly and weak.
I am so sorry that you have to carry such a burden. But I am glad you found us. We do understand and care.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I was just wondering why was your son buried so far away from you?? Your husband is in somekind of denial. and drinking helps him forget for awhile. but making threats of suicide all the time plus his drinking is not good. Could you and him go to a grief counsler together? they usually don,t charge anything. Happy Birthday to your angel Mike. big hugs and love mary ann
There is no way to communicate with someone that is drinking...I am sorry for you that you have this to deal with this in addition to the loss of Mike Jr. Perhaps you could talk to your husband sometime when he isn\'t drinking. Let him know how YOU are feeling. Your grief is as real and as deep as anyones...love and hugs...Karen
Oh my. No words right now come to mind. I didn\'t have a father of my son to contend with. His step-dad (Steve and I are divorced) was highly supportive of me and our son Jason when my son, Michael, died. Steve and I sat at the memorial service with our son between us. I wish you peace and love. And tell us when you have no one else to talk to. We are here for you and understand.
Peace.